May Day is a date that is permanently etched into my mind. When it rolls around each year it marks a dark anniversary for me. On April 30, 2004, Squeaky left me. I had started to mix drugs and alcohol. After 4 years of being alcohol free I went back to my old stand by. Pills and pot no longer relieved me of the self torture that was ruling my mind and empty soul. The pain of watching me self destruct, and the thought of me taking down the whole family was too much for her to bear. After a terrible argument...she left. I would have left sooner.It is the day I tried to take my own life.
I was no longer homeless. We had built a beautiful home. I had a good job. There were two cars in the garage. My addiction didn't care. It doesn't discriminate. I had sobered up for a while after living in my car and losing everything. Now, just 5 years later, I was living the "American Dream."
It wasn't enough to satisfy an addict like me. Nothing was ever enough to satiate my need for escape. I couldn't take another day of being drunk and high against my will. I was a slave. Booze and drugs were my god. The thought of trying to face reality sober was just as terrifying. How could I face my feelings? The baggage of my past was impossible to bare without chemical fortification.
I had turned my back on therapy. I refused to accept the fact that I had depression issues. I figured if you had my life...you'd be high too. Chemical imbalance? I didn't think I was crazy! The insanity of addiction becomes what's normal to the user after years of practice.
I didn't see that God had given me the life I dreamed of ! I was living in an unheated car in Stone Park just a few years before that. My addictions knew me longer than anyone. God's words went in one ear and out the other. When my addiction demanded my attention, I always heeded it's call, willfully, and often, even when I dreaded the thought. I tried to fight. It always won.
When the car stalled in the garage after I had set up my mobile gas chamber with vacuum hoses and duct tape I woke up completely sober. I had taken a bottle of prescription meds and drank a half a bottle of rum. When I slid into the car I carried a Bible, a family photo and had hung a rosary around my neck. I knew I was going to hell. I figured, just maybe, the props would be a great con to try to make my way to heaven.
When I came to that morning it was May Day. I couldn't believe I was still alive. Something had sparked in me. I was sober as a judge. There was no hang over or headaches. I went to a recovery meeting and broke down. I spent a long time on my knees begging and thanking GOD for the break. I would drink and use again in a few months. Addiction has a short memory of the agony and the race is on again if you try to go it alone.
This is my third sober May Day. I am active in my recovery and therapy for my depression. As the Beatles sang, "It's getting Better All The Time!." When it's not so good I turn to God and my friends. Not trying to figure out everything on my own is the key to my happiness and serenity these days.
Today I woke up SOBER and spent a lovely morning with Squeaky. Then I went to an audition for a commercial. I spent the afternoon with my son. I talked to two people in recovery. I confirmed the date for "Rally Round Recovery 2012." I will be hosting it again this year. I also committed to emceeing at the "Recovery Walk" at Governors State on September 22, 2012. I got a call for another audition on Friday. Tomorrow I will be taking my Mom to the doctor. None of those things were possible high. Anything is possible now!
But for the grace of GOD I have been given chance after chance to make my life right and make peace with myself. I am glad I have turned to others in my recovery and faith to get me to where I am today. It was when I began to listen to the tiny voice inside of me and the sober friends around me that life began anew. I tried to go it alone for years. My ways got me drunk, high, afraid, crazy and alone.
God has a plan for me. He has one for you. If you are trapped in any situation that you think you can't bear...YOU CAN! Reach out to a friend and your God. He will always pick up the phone. He sends directions. We have to do the walking. There is NOTHING in this world that you can't overcome with hope, faith and the hand of a friend.
I gotta go now. Squeaky and I are gonna watch some History Channel and fall asleep together. That is after I get on my knees and thank God for another day of living, another day of sobriety. I will also thank him for the privilege of serving him and trying to make my brief time here a testament to his grace. I wish you all well. May your God bless you. He's always willing to give you a second chance. If you cry, "Mayday, Mayday,"... he'll be there for you..
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