May Day! May Day! I AM HERE!

May Day is a date that is permanently etched into my mind. When it rolls around each year it marks a dark anniversary for me. On April 30, 2004, Squeaky left me. I had started to mix drugs and alcohol. After 4 years of being alcohol free I went back to my old stand by. Pills and pot no longer relieved me of the self torture that was ruling my mind and empty soul. The pain of watching me self destruct, and the thought of me taking down the whole family was too much for her to bear. After a terrible argument...she left. I would have left sooner.It is the day I tried to take my own life.

I was no longer homeless. We had built a beautiful home. I had a good job. There were two cars in the garage. My addiction didn't care. It doesn't discriminate. I had sobered up for a while after living in my car and losing everything. Now, just 5 years later, I was living the "American Dream." 

It wasn't enough to satisfy an addict like me. Nothing was ever enough to satiate my need for escape. I couldn't  take another day of being drunk and high against my will. I was a slave. Booze and drugs were my god. The thought of trying to face reality sober was just as terrifying. How could I face my feelings? The baggage of my past was impossible to bare without chemical fortification. 

I had turned my back on therapy. I refused to accept the fact that I had depression issues. I figured if you had my life...you'd be high too. Chemical imbalance? I didn't think I was crazy! The insanity of addiction becomes what's normal to the user after years of practice. 

I didn't see that God had given me the life I dreamed of ! I was living in an unheated car in Stone Park just a few years before that. My addictions knew me longer than anyone. God's words went in one ear and out the other. When my addiction demanded my attention, I always heeded it's call, willfully, and often, even when I dreaded the thought. I tried to fight. It always won.

When the car stalled in the garage after I had set up my mobile gas chamber with vacuum hoses and duct tape I woke up completely sober. I had taken a bottle of prescription meds and drank a half a bottle of rum. When I slid into the car I carried a Bible, a family photo and had hung a rosary around my neck. I knew I was going to hell. I figured, just maybe, the props would be a great con to try to make my way to heaven.

When I came to that morning it was May Day. I couldn't believe I was still alive. Something had sparked in me. I was sober as a judge. There was no hang over or headaches. I went to a recovery meeting and broke down. I spent a long time on my knees begging and thanking GOD for the break. I would drink and use again in a few months. Addiction has a short memory of the agony and the race is on again if you try to go it alone.

This is my third sober May Day. I am active in my recovery and therapy for my depression. As the Beatles sang, "It's getting Better All The Time!." When it's not so good I turn to God and my friends. Not trying to figure out everything on my own is the key to my happiness and serenity these days.

Today I woke up SOBER and spent a lovely morning with Squeaky. Then I went to an audition for a commercial.  I spent the afternoon with my son. I talked to two people in recovery. I confirmed the date for "Rally Round Recovery 2012." I will be hosting it again this year. I also committed to emceeing at the "Recovery Walk" at Governors State on September 22, 2012. I got a call for another audition on Friday. Tomorrow I will be taking my Mom to the doctor. None of those things were possible high. Anything is possible now!

But for the grace of GOD I have been given chance after chance to make my life right and make peace with myself. I am glad I have turned to others in my recovery and faith to get me to where I am today. It was when I began to listen to the tiny voice inside of me and the sober friends around me that life began anew. I tried to go it alone for years. My ways got me drunk, high, afraid, crazy and alone.

God has a plan for me. He has one for you. If you are trapped in any situation that you think you can't bear...YOU CAN! Reach out to a friend and your God. He will always pick up the phone. He sends directions. We have to do the walking. There is NOTHING in this world that you can't overcome with hope, faith and the hand of a friend. 

I gotta go now. Squeaky and I are gonna watch some History Channel and fall asleep together. That is after I get on my knees and thank God for another day of living, another day of sobriety. I will also thank him for the privilege of serving him and trying to make my brief time here a testament to his grace. I wish you all well. May your God bless you. He's always willing to give you a second chance. If you cry, "Mayday, Mayday,"... he'll be there for you..

Hey God! I'm the Frog! Why Mess with the Queen?

My world seems to be running at a frenetic pace lately. As a person with bipolar issues it always is at differing degrees inside my mind. Add my addiction issues and how I am working my recovery program and my melon can become a fun house. Not an actual house of fun. More like something that Stephen King would conjure up including the clowns everyone knows I'm SO fond of. At times my mind is like the center lane of the Dan Ryan at about 7:30 am and everyone is running late.

Professionally I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Soul Parole: Making Peace with My Mind, God and Myself is still on track to be released through Amazon/Kindle in mid November. I just finished a film called "Family" that is going to rock the festival world. "Chasing Hollywood," My first costarring film is premiering next week at the Naperville film festival. I have two films lined up back to back "The Fruit of Andersen Farm" shooting here in Chicago in October and "Beneath" Shooting in L.A. in November. As an actor I couldn't ask for more.

I have been speaking to civic groups about my story of addiction and depression and the list of appearance requests is growing. I am the Spokesman for this years "Rally Round Recovery 2011" in Will County taking place this weekend. All of my goals seem to be right on track. I feel I am doing the right things for the right reasons. I am grateful to be working with other people newly sober and facing depression and addiction issues. God is using me as a messenger. I am happy to be of service. I was a user, hostage taker, mind bender and scar tissue on this beautiful place we call earth for 28 years too long.

Squeaky whom I have put through the wringer emotionally, financially and everything else that ends with "LY"  is facing surgery Monday. They will be removing half of her right kidney. There is a mass at the top that is unusual. They will biopsy it for disease on the operating table due to its' positioning in her body. I will sleep by her side while she is there and we will get through this season and trial, no matter what the outcome. The doctors have assured us that the long term prognosis is great but there is always concern for this type of major invasive procedure.

I haven't written about it because I have had more questions than answers about the whole thing. Quite a bit of it has left me speechless. I have been supportive and there for her and have tried not to "Fix" things. As a recovering "Fixer" that takes a lot of work to keep a cork in my big fat pie hole. I used to always have an answer or an insecure need to provide one to people even when it wasn't solicited. When she told me she was scared the most brilliant thing I could come up with was that I was scared too. It was an honest answer and I think It's the best bit of husbandry I've done in a while.

I've had to pull over and cry. There have been calls to friends weeping like a fool gibbering that I knew I was powerless and it was in God's hands that I was scared witless. Recovery has taught me how to use new coping skills.I have had to walk out of the room so that I didn't fall apart like a cheap watch. Treating my depression and bipolar symptoms with a professional helps me recognize my own mood swings and emotions and adjust accordingly. There have been times when I have held her and we have fallen apart together. We turn to God in those moments and ask for strength.

The thing that gets me is that I tried to destroy myself a drink or drug at a time, over and over daily for 28 years. On one occasion I tried to do it all in one garage swan song. My faith is strong. I would be a liar if I didn't tell you that I don't get mad at God. I still want things my way. I always will. I probably have spoken about this before. I will undoubtedly again. I don't have to like the way things are in life. I only have to accept them to be reasonably happy and sane. I tried to fight reality for 28 years and it still did it's own thing it's own way. I just got high along the way because it wasn't my way.

The projects, films, speeches, books, jokes and ME things are on hold as of Monday. I am grateful that I can be there for MY WIFE. For the 12 years we have been together I couldn't always say that. I am human and there will be days in the future when I will fall short again. Monday will not be one of those days. Her days of recovery won't be those days. I will be there clear minded and at FULL attention. Sobriety gives me that gift and opportunity. Drunk I would call her mother and have her deal with it. That is the sad truth.

As I grow I ask God WHY less. That is good. I still ask sometimes. I don't know why he does what he does. I will find out someday when I reach the Great Woodstock Festival in the sky. What I can do is the next right things NOW. Sorries don't cut it any more. I will SHOW my wife my love for her through my actions not my intentions. It is my turn to take care of her.

I'm pretty sure that is how friendship and marriage is supposed to go. It's not a 50-50. One is strong when the other is weak. Marriage is a complimenting of each others strengths and weaknesses. One dog has to take the lead of the sled team each day. That dog changes depending on the situation. Both dogs keep the team and sled on track. I ask that you keep her in your prayers. She will be fine. She is Italian and from Berwyn. She'll probably grow a new kidney by the time we get home...