Fear is a powerful foe. We all have it. I think, it is the second strongest four letter word after love. When I was drinking and using, for 28 years, it ruled my life. Sometimes, it still tries to. Fear stood for "F" Everything And Run! I was afraid of success. I was obsessed with failure. I was paralyzed from reaching out to find sobriety and pursue my passions. It seemed safer to deal with my notions, than knowing the realities.
Before I got out of bed I was gripped with the FEAR of something. Was I gonna get fired? Does my wife love me? Do I love her too much? When am I going to die? Is it gonna hurt? I could conjure up fear over things that were ten years down the road, or ten years past. I was terrified of change. That is, change that I didn't like.
Facing my fears was out of the question. When I didn't feel right, I was sure I was dying. If I saw a person talking, and they looked at me, I was positive that I was the subject of their conversation. They were looking at all my faults. They could see right through me.
When I got sober and accepted the fact that my depression and racing thoughts had to be addressed, I was at a crossroads. I had dealt with it for my entire life. I did so by not dealing with it. I was convinced that if I sought treatment I would be labeled a fruit loop and tossed into the loony bin. There was no way I was going to be called a nut, even though I was going nuts.
When I finally went to see a professional, a funny thing happened. I was told I had a chemical imbalance that could be treated with a mood stabilizer. I wasn't crazy. I just had a condition that required medication, like high blood pressure. I learned that it is quite common.
After I overcame that hurdle I was convinced that my heart, liver and kidneys were shot. My grandfather died of a heart attack at age thirty nine. If I experienced a thump or pain in my chest I was positive that I was going to drop right on the spot. I was better at self diagnosing myself than any specialist in the western world! I chewed on it, day after day, hour after hour. The fear of the unknown kept me from finding out the truth. I almost died of terror at the thought of the visit!
What would Squeaky do without me? I obsessed about the POSSIBILITIES instead of seeking CERTAINTIES. It finally got to the point that SHE couldn't bare my Fred Sanford mentality any longer. "You hear that Gram? I'm coming to join you honey! I got a bum ticker from drinkin liquor!" I made the appointment and scans and tests were scheduled for enzyme analysis and a stress test. The enzyme test was just a blood test. The heart check was an ultrasound and a jog on a treadmill.
All of the tests came back clean as a whistle. After twenty eight years of self destruction I was surprised that I didn't have any battle wounds. I think blessed is more like it. I was healthy as a horse. It didn't hurt. I didn't have the Grim Reaper standing over me with a sickle. My fear was all for nothing. All those years of obsession and discomfort of wondering were pointless. Even if I had found out something was wrong, at least I WOULD KNOW!
My mother hates to go to the doctor as well. She darn near has to be stricken with the plague before she'll even consider the trip. She was diagnosed with cataracts recently. For over a year she was suffering from blurred vision, and said nothing. When she relented and sought a doctor's opinion the news was mixed. He said she would need surgery and clear vision would return. He also said if she would have waited another few months she would have lost her sight for good. She is doing great. She said colors are more vivid than she ever remembered.
We all have fears. Some are real, others are trivial. All of them can be devastating. It seems to me that our fear of knowing the truth is harder to face than the reality. I can look at my life now and realize, that in most cases, my mental picture is 100 times worse than the facts when I eventually face the problem. I am amazed at how much pain I put myself through from my thoughts!
There is another acronym for FEAR. It is Facing Everything As Real. I like that. If I would have continued down the path I was on, FEAR would have driven me to the grave! That's not living! It is being a prisoner in our own melons! Do me a favor. If you hurt somewhere go to the doctor. If you need to fix a damaged relationship, pick up the phone and fix it! If you need help ask for it! Don't be a hostage. Remember, nothing changes...if nothing changes. The only thing you have to lose is your mind!
Before I got out of bed I was gripped with the FEAR of something. Was I gonna get fired? Does my wife love me? Do I love her too much? When am I going to die? Is it gonna hurt? I could conjure up fear over things that were ten years down the road, or ten years past. I was terrified of change. That is, change that I didn't like.
Facing my fears was out of the question. When I didn't feel right, I was sure I was dying. If I saw a person talking, and they looked at me, I was positive that I was the subject of their conversation. They were looking at all my faults. They could see right through me.
When I got sober and accepted the fact that my depression and racing thoughts had to be addressed, I was at a crossroads. I had dealt with it for my entire life. I did so by not dealing with it. I was convinced that if I sought treatment I would be labeled a fruit loop and tossed into the loony bin. There was no way I was going to be called a nut, even though I was going nuts.
When I finally went to see a professional, a funny thing happened. I was told I had a chemical imbalance that could be treated with a mood stabilizer. I wasn't crazy. I just had a condition that required medication, like high blood pressure. I learned that it is quite common.
After I overcame that hurdle I was convinced that my heart, liver and kidneys were shot. My grandfather died of a heart attack at age thirty nine. If I experienced a thump or pain in my chest I was positive that I was going to drop right on the spot. I was better at self diagnosing myself than any specialist in the western world! I chewed on it, day after day, hour after hour. The fear of the unknown kept me from finding out the truth. I almost died of terror at the thought of the visit!
What would Squeaky do without me? I obsessed about the POSSIBILITIES instead of seeking CERTAINTIES. It finally got to the point that SHE couldn't bare my Fred Sanford mentality any longer. "You hear that Gram? I'm coming to join you honey! I got a bum ticker from drinkin liquor!" I made the appointment and scans and tests were scheduled for enzyme analysis and a stress test. The enzyme test was just a blood test. The heart check was an ultrasound and a jog on a treadmill.
All of the tests came back clean as a whistle. After twenty eight years of self destruction I was surprised that I didn't have any battle wounds. I think blessed is more like it. I was healthy as a horse. It didn't hurt. I didn't have the Grim Reaper standing over me with a sickle. My fear was all for nothing. All those years of obsession and discomfort of wondering were pointless. Even if I had found out something was wrong, at least I WOULD KNOW!
My mother hates to go to the doctor as well. She darn near has to be stricken with the plague before she'll even consider the trip. She was diagnosed with cataracts recently. For over a year she was suffering from blurred vision, and said nothing. When she relented and sought a doctor's opinion the news was mixed. He said she would need surgery and clear vision would return. He also said if she would have waited another few months she would have lost her sight for good. She is doing great. She said colors are more vivid than she ever remembered.
We all have fears. Some are real, others are trivial. All of them can be devastating. It seems to me that our fear of knowing the truth is harder to face than the reality. I can look at my life now and realize, that in most cases, my mental picture is 100 times worse than the facts when I eventually face the problem. I am amazed at how much pain I put myself through from my thoughts!
There is another acronym for FEAR. It is Facing Everything As Real. I like that. If I would have continued down the path I was on, FEAR would have driven me to the grave! That's not living! It is being a prisoner in our own melons! Do me a favor. If you hurt somewhere go to the doctor. If you need to fix a damaged relationship, pick up the phone and fix it! If you need help ask for it! Don't be a hostage. Remember, nothing changes...if nothing changes. The only thing you have to lose is your mind!
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