I write all of my chapters in one sitting. They all flow from me in one stream of consciousness. I like it that way because then I don't think my way through the writing like I am writing an article for a magazine. It is a journal entry. It is as if I am talking instead of writing.
This can be a good thing because it keeps it real. It can be a bad thing because the entries are often filled with grammatical and spelling errors. They also aren't edited thoughts. I haven't considered my thoughts carefully before I put them down on paper and into the blogosphere. I don't think I will change my way of writing but a little time between entries gives me time to reflect on what I have spilled out on to the page.
In recovery it is said that my over all well being is based upon my spiritual health. That is, how connected I am with my GOD. I have to admit I haven't been as close to him as I am normally as of late. I also know that I need to look at my own behavior, attitudes and actions in relationships. It is not my job to point out the faults of others. In my last blog God was very clearly missing and my passing judgement on others was in full swing. It was driving the wrong way on a one way street.
That tells me that I need to take a step back and look at what is really going on with ME. I have just quit smoking. My wife just quit smoking. My son is becoming a man and in teen rebellion. These contributing factors are bound to have an impact on moods, emotions and reactions to situations. There is also medical conditions, book deadlines, financial pressures and a 46th birthday tomorrow that are playing on my mind. I also suffer from depression, alcoholism, addiction and all "ics" and "isms" that are faced in recovery.
By my sputtering off yesterday like Chicken little that the sky was falling I was living in the problem not in the solution. I know better than that. I have learned a new plan for living my life and dealing with it as it is dealt to me. My rant certainly was filled with some points that the family will address in time. There is nothing that is cataclysmic or doomsday like looming overhead. My knee jerk EMOTIONAL outbreak was that of a DRY drunk. I was acting like a spoiled child who wanted to take my ball and go home because the other kids weren't playing the way I wanted them to.
I am human. I have learned a lot about my areas of weakness since I have been in recovery. I can be snarky and sarcastic. I can be an egomaniac with low self esteem. I can be a pouty child. I can also be a strong leader, a supportive husband and a pretty good step or regular father and friend. I have gotten over the need to be right all the time. I am grateful for that. I am willing to listen and learn and grow and shut up. These things I have had to learn with the help of others.
Everyone wants to chuck it all in every once in a while. That is life. I sincerely hope I gave no one the idea that my intention was to RUN. That is all I did for 28 years. I take the good with the bad now. This to will pass. We are in a difficult season right now but that's just it. It's a season and seasons change every few months. I will continue to grow and sometimes I will slip back into old thinking.
It was just yesterday that I was out of my mind and saw only darkness. Today I see hope and know I was thinking with my emotions not with logic and reality. The time between these revelations is getting shorter and shorter. That is how I see that I am getting different not better. I am no better than any man. I am just a man trying to live a reasonably happy life. Some days are good sometimes not so good. As long as I keep my eye on what my part is on the team and my ear to heaven everything will work out just like it's supposed to.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Which Way is Up?
In every chapter that I post about my day to day life I try to keep it real. I have done a fairly good job of that. I have been very candid about my journey to today. I share my triumphs and tragedies, as well as the silly and the insane. In every entry I try to give a piece of myself that readers can identify with.
When addiction is active in a household roles are formed and the family adapts around the addict. The Mom or Dad step in and make decisions on their own to cover for the user. Enablers are confused when the user gets sober because they no longer have a codependent partner. Kids who had to be grown ups all of a sudden are given the chance to be kids again. The whole family dynamic is thrown into flux when sobriety is introduced. Roles need to be redefined and there are growing pains that go with that. The whole family dynamic has shifted on its' axis.
I am an alcoholic-addict in recovery. I have the emotional I.Q. of a young adult. I will be 46 in a few days. I began a relationship with a woman 13 years ago that came with three children. I instantly became a stepfather a word I loathe. I have tried to do my best with the job but quite frankly I don't really know what I'm doing.
When it comes to being a good husband and father I don't know how to do it very well. That is an honest assessment of myself. At least it is my perception. I didn't have a traditional upbringing. I grew up in a single parent home. My mother worked very hard. My father had a family of his own. My sister went her way. I went mine. My grandparents were our neighbors, so they were in the middle but from the teen years on we were pretty much on our own. That's not a knock on anyone. That's just the way it was.
My first 3 marriages were not even marriages. I was so far gone. I was barely human. Now I AM a husband and stepfather. Some days I am a champ and on others am clueless, jealous, thoughtless and selfish. I often wonder if I'm fit for either job at all. I am just learning what I am all about and I seem to make mistake after mistake in the "other people" category. I don't do it intentionally. It just happens.
I have grown in my relationship skills over the last 33 months but I still have gaping holes in my "big boy" abilities and growth. I see my wife with the kids and feel left out sometimes. I understand they are her babies. They will always be held in a different light as they should. When they disrespect me because "I'm not their Dad" it burns me up when she says nothing to them about me being her husband. She just lets it go. I feel she should demand respect for me from them. It is beginning to wear on us, her and me. She says it's me. I say it's her and them. I don't know where it's heading but I pray to God for direction and correction. It's definitely not funky town.
She has expectations. I don't meet them. I don't know how to quite honestly. I know I have a big mouth. I need to learn to keep it closed more often. It doesn't open as much as it used to. I have said and done many stupid things as a husband and stepfather. I will again. This is new to me. Each day I learn positive and negative things about myself and the world around me. Being sober is truly like being reborn. It is like I have had amnesia and am being reintroduced to my family and friends. I really don't know how I feel or which way is up. The old me says run. Just run. The new me says go ahead you will be waiting there when you get there.
When addiction is active in a household roles are formed and the family adapts around the addict. The Mom or Dad step in and make decisions on their own to cover for the user. Enablers are confused when the user gets sober because they no longer have a codependent partner. Kids who had to be grown ups all of a sudden are given the chance to be kids again. The whole family dynamic is thrown into flux when sobriety is introduced. Roles need to be redefined and there are growing pains that go with that. The whole family dynamic has shifted on its' axis.
I am an alcoholic-addict in recovery. I have the emotional I.Q. of a young adult. I will be 46 in a few days. I began a relationship with a woman 13 years ago that came with three children. I instantly became a stepfather a word I loathe. I have tried to do my best with the job but quite frankly I don't really know what I'm doing.
When it comes to being a good husband and father I don't know how to do it very well. That is an honest assessment of myself. At least it is my perception. I didn't have a traditional upbringing. I grew up in a single parent home. My mother worked very hard. My father had a family of his own. My sister went her way. I went mine. My grandparents were our neighbors, so they were in the middle but from the teen years on we were pretty much on our own. That's not a knock on anyone. That's just the way it was.
My first 3 marriages were not even marriages. I was so far gone. I was barely human. Now I AM a husband and stepfather. Some days I am a champ and on others am clueless, jealous, thoughtless and selfish. I often wonder if I'm fit for either job at all. I am just learning what I am all about and I seem to make mistake after mistake in the "other people" category. I don't do it intentionally. It just happens.
I have grown in my relationship skills over the last 33 months but I still have gaping holes in my "big boy" abilities and growth. I see my wife with the kids and feel left out sometimes. I understand they are her babies. They will always be held in a different light as they should. When they disrespect me because "I'm not their Dad" it burns me up when she says nothing to them about me being her husband. She just lets it go. I feel she should demand respect for me from them. It is beginning to wear on us, her and me. She says it's me. I say it's her and them. I don't know where it's heading but I pray to God for direction and correction. It's definitely not funky town.
She has expectations. I don't meet them. I don't know how to quite honestly. I know I have a big mouth. I need to learn to keep it closed more often. It doesn't open as much as it used to. I have said and done many stupid things as a husband and stepfather. I will again. This is new to me. Each day I learn positive and negative things about myself and the world around me. Being sober is truly like being reborn. It is like I have had amnesia and am being reintroduced to my family and friends. I really don't know how I feel or which way is up. The old me says run. Just run. The new me says go ahead you will be waiting there when you get there.
Friday, September 16, 2011
"Soccer Moms' Please Drive Thru"...
As an addict I have a thing about taking on baggage. I love baggage big and small. I hoard it. The more emotionally painful the package the more I can obsess about it. The more rotten the deed done to another in my past the bigger the package grows in my mind. I caress it and beat myself to bits with it. From a passing comment probably not even meant for me to a second grade fist fight, I remember it all. I have a database of emotional unfinished business that used to make my life unbearable.
The pressure, guilt, remorse, shame and self-loathing created the need to try to escape myself for those many years through bottle and drug. Addicts live emotionally not intellectually or logically. Our emotions make our decisions in most cases. I reacted emotionally then would sort out the fallout from my behavior. We remember everything by our PERCEPTION of the emotional impact people and situations had on us or we had on them. That is why we create chaos in others lives. It is for the emotional insanity and drama. It is our ultimate drug. Chaos.
As our mind clears and we begin to work recovery strategies we try to reduce the baggage which in turn lessens the desire to use. We begin to feel comfortable in our own skins and minds. We try to go back through the rubbish pile that was our past and clean up the joint. The people we have hurt and lied, cheated and stolen from whether it be financially, emotionally or physically are met face to face and we come clean with a sincere desire to make things right. Sometimes it works out and there is a happy ending. Other times we get a dressing down. Still other times we are told that we had no impact at all.
All of the reactions are growing experiences and are important if long term sobriety is to be achieved. If a flower wants to grow it needs space in the pot or its' roots will rot and it will die. The same goes for drunks like me. I was going crazy from all the baggage. As I have cleared it away and made peace with my friends, family and self (to an extent) life gets better. God has given me the strength to stay clean and my mind is less packed with that crap. The worries, fears, pain and shame of who I was that paralyzed me is now setting me free by cleaning it up.
Now I am able to look at people in the eye with confidence and honesty. I can be a true friend. I can be of use not a user. I can sit with Tommy Connolly and not want to stab the guy in the eye with a fork! Wherever I run to I will always be there to meet me. That is a fact. It gets a little bit easier to hang with me the more I get right with God, man and me.
There are some people I can't make things right with. Some are dead. Some have new lives and I can't disrupt their happy harmony with my horror show rewind. Some I can't find but am ready to make things right if I find them. In these cases I try to be of service in other areas. On one occasion I stole something from a store that I could not go back to for fear of Shaw Shank Redemption. My mentor had me buy dog food in the amount of the item taken and had me take it to the humane society. Perfect! Karma square! I felt better that I was able to make the situation right. In a few years I will go back and make the situation right with the store. The point is that baggage was removed and I am a bit more okay with me because of the cleansing.
Yesterday I went with a friend to work at a food pantry here in Joliet. It is called the Family Outreach Food Pantry. I did not go there for any particular reason. My buddy called me at 6:10 am and asked if I wanted to volunteer at the food bank at 6:30. At first I was miffed because I hate to be late. Its' part of the new me. The only thing I was on time for in the past was beer sales and fresh bales. I said sure, and away we went. I can tell you now that God had my friend call me. There are no coincidences.
My vision of a food bank and food lines takes me back to my grade school history classes and the "Great Depression". You remember the old films and the market crash of 1929. There was the dust bowl and the people getting broth put into tin cups. I had a vision of homeless people coming up to the food bank and us handing little packages to the less fortunate. You know? It was going to be people in ratty cars and ripped clothes and winos and all the stereotypes I try so hard to fight when it comes to the labeling of alcoholics, addicts and those who suffer from mental disorders. I was doing the SAME thing before we got there.
We arrived at the tiny tavern parking lot where the food distribution point is and my friend was assigned to traffic control. WHAT? Traffic control at a food bank! He had the vest and the cool little flashlight with the pointy orange end on it and everything. I was jealous for a minute. I was assigned to fill orders. That was to put the boxes of food into the vehicles as they pulled up. This is where the story gets interesting, horrifying, eye opening and real folks. The real state of the STATES.
As the cars began to pull up I was taken aback. This can't be! There were a few beat up cars and a few homeless folks walked up whom I greeted with a grateful hello and a "God Bless you." The vast majority of the cars were "Soccer Moms." There were cars of all makes and models right up to a Tahoe with leather interior. The common denominator was all of these people "needed" food. There was no scam. Some folks looked down as I put on a smile and made a quick joke as to let them know it's a beautiful day as I slung the food into their back seats.
Single parents' pulled through with babies strapped in and we offered extra bread to those who wanted it. Every single family wanted it. Like alcoholism and addiction the people in the line to receive the food were a perfect cross section of Americana and it blew me away. Some folks looked as though they had stopped on break from work or were on the way to drop the kids at school. It was heartbreaking and gratifying at the same time. It is a day I won't forget.
In 90 minutes we handed out 300 boxes of food. When that ran out and we had only bread left people were happy and humbled to have a few loaves of that alone. I went home and sat silent for awhile. We are in trouble in this country. They have the food pantry every week and turn away more and more families.
I stood in front of my fridge and looked at the food and saw that our pantry was filled and it made me think of the times when I have said there is nothing to eat when in fact there was plenty. There just wasn't what I WANTED TO EAT in the fridge or pantry at that moment. I will be back to help again next Thursday at the pantry.
I remember not having food. I remember not wanting food because it would take up space my booze needed to fill. I also remember eating garbage when I wanted to eat and had to use my money to buy the booze. I've seen it from all sides. I think if there is anything that I can leave you with it is be thankful for what God has given you... and more thankful for what he hasn't...
The pressure, guilt, remorse, shame and self-loathing created the need to try to escape myself for those many years through bottle and drug. Addicts live emotionally not intellectually or logically. Our emotions make our decisions in most cases. I reacted emotionally then would sort out the fallout from my behavior. We remember everything by our PERCEPTION of the emotional impact people and situations had on us or we had on them. That is why we create chaos in others lives. It is for the emotional insanity and drama. It is our ultimate drug. Chaos.
As our mind clears and we begin to work recovery strategies we try to reduce the baggage which in turn lessens the desire to use. We begin to feel comfortable in our own skins and minds. We try to go back through the rubbish pile that was our past and clean up the joint. The people we have hurt and lied, cheated and stolen from whether it be financially, emotionally or physically are met face to face and we come clean with a sincere desire to make things right. Sometimes it works out and there is a happy ending. Other times we get a dressing down. Still other times we are told that we had no impact at all.
All of the reactions are growing experiences and are important if long term sobriety is to be achieved. If a flower wants to grow it needs space in the pot or its' roots will rot and it will die. The same goes for drunks like me. I was going crazy from all the baggage. As I have cleared it away and made peace with my friends, family and self (to an extent) life gets better. God has given me the strength to stay clean and my mind is less packed with that crap. The worries, fears, pain and shame of who I was that paralyzed me is now setting me free by cleaning it up.
Now I am able to look at people in the eye with confidence and honesty. I can be a true friend. I can be of use not a user. I can sit with Tommy Connolly and not want to stab the guy in the eye with a fork! Wherever I run to I will always be there to meet me. That is a fact. It gets a little bit easier to hang with me the more I get right with God, man and me.
There are some people I can't make things right with. Some are dead. Some have new lives and I can't disrupt their happy harmony with my horror show rewind. Some I can't find but am ready to make things right if I find them. In these cases I try to be of service in other areas. On one occasion I stole something from a store that I could not go back to for fear of Shaw Shank Redemption. My mentor had me buy dog food in the amount of the item taken and had me take it to the humane society. Perfect! Karma square! I felt better that I was able to make the situation right. In a few years I will go back and make the situation right with the store. The point is that baggage was removed and I am a bit more okay with me because of the cleansing.
Yesterday I went with a friend to work at a food pantry here in Joliet. It is called the Family Outreach Food Pantry. I did not go there for any particular reason. My buddy called me at 6:10 am and asked if I wanted to volunteer at the food bank at 6:30. At first I was miffed because I hate to be late. Its' part of the new me. The only thing I was on time for in the past was beer sales and fresh bales. I said sure, and away we went. I can tell you now that God had my friend call me. There are no coincidences.
My vision of a food bank and food lines takes me back to my grade school history classes and the "Great Depression". You remember the old films and the market crash of 1929. There was the dust bowl and the people getting broth put into tin cups. I had a vision of homeless people coming up to the food bank and us handing little packages to the less fortunate. You know? It was going to be people in ratty cars and ripped clothes and winos and all the stereotypes I try so hard to fight when it comes to the labeling of alcoholics, addicts and those who suffer from mental disorders. I was doing the SAME thing before we got there.
We arrived at the tiny tavern parking lot where the food distribution point is and my friend was assigned to traffic control. WHAT? Traffic control at a food bank! He had the vest and the cool little flashlight with the pointy orange end on it and everything. I was jealous for a minute. I was assigned to fill orders. That was to put the boxes of food into the vehicles as they pulled up. This is where the story gets interesting, horrifying, eye opening and real folks. The real state of the STATES.
As the cars began to pull up I was taken aback. This can't be! There were a few beat up cars and a few homeless folks walked up whom I greeted with a grateful hello and a "God Bless you." The vast majority of the cars were "Soccer Moms." There were cars of all makes and models right up to a Tahoe with leather interior. The common denominator was all of these people "needed" food. There was no scam. Some folks looked down as I put on a smile and made a quick joke as to let them know it's a beautiful day as I slung the food into their back seats.
Single parents' pulled through with babies strapped in and we offered extra bread to those who wanted it. Every single family wanted it. Like alcoholism and addiction the people in the line to receive the food were a perfect cross section of Americana and it blew me away. Some folks looked as though they had stopped on break from work or were on the way to drop the kids at school. It was heartbreaking and gratifying at the same time. It is a day I won't forget.
In 90 minutes we handed out 300 boxes of food. When that ran out and we had only bread left people were happy and humbled to have a few loaves of that alone. I went home and sat silent for awhile. We are in trouble in this country. They have the food pantry every week and turn away more and more families.
I stood in front of my fridge and looked at the food and saw that our pantry was filled and it made me think of the times when I have said there is nothing to eat when in fact there was plenty. There just wasn't what I WANTED TO EAT in the fridge or pantry at that moment. I will be back to help again next Thursday at the pantry.
I remember not having food. I remember not wanting food because it would take up space my booze needed to fill. I also remember eating garbage when I wanted to eat and had to use my money to buy the booze. I've seen it from all sides. I think if there is anything that I can leave you with it is be thankful for what God has given you... and more thankful for what he hasn't...
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Hey God! I'm the Frog! Why Mess with the Queen?
My world seems to be running at a frenetic pace lately. As a person with bipolar issues it always is at differing degrees inside my mind. Add my addiction issues and how I am working my recovery program and my melon can become a fun house. Not an actual house of fun. More like something that Stephen King would conjure up including the clowns everyone knows I'm SO fond of. At times my mind is like the center lane of the Dan Ryan at about 7:30 am and everyone is running late.
Professionally I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Soul Parole: Making Peace with My Mind, God and Myself is still on track to be released through Amazon/Kindle in mid November. I just finished a film called "Family" that is going to rock the festival world. "Chasing Hollywood," My first costarring film is premiering next week at the Naperville film festival. I have two films lined up back to back "The Fruit of Andersen Farm" shooting here in Chicago in October and "Beneath" Shooting in L.A. in November. As an actor I couldn't ask for more.
I have been speaking to civic groups about my story of addiction and depression and the list of appearance requests is growing. I am the Spokesman for this years "Rally Round Recovery 2011" in Will County taking place this weekend. All of my goals seem to be right on track. I feel I am doing the right things for the right reasons. I am grateful to be working with other people newly sober and facing depression and addiction issues. God is using me as a messenger. I am happy to be of service. I was a user, hostage taker, mind bender and scar tissue on this beautiful place we call earth for 28 years too long.
Squeaky whom I have put through the wringer emotionally, financially and everything else that ends with "LY" is facing surgery Monday. They will be removing half of her right kidney. There is a mass at the top that is unusual. They will biopsy it for disease on the operating table due to its' positioning in her body. I will sleep by her side while she is there and we will get through this season and trial, no matter what the outcome. The doctors have assured us that the long term prognosis is great but there is always concern for this type of major invasive procedure.
I haven't written about it because I have had more questions than answers about the whole thing. Quite a bit of it has left me speechless. I have been supportive and there for her and have tried not to "Fix" things. As a recovering "Fixer" that takes a lot of work to keep a cork in my big fat pie hole. I used to always have an answer or an insecure need to provide one to people even when it wasn't solicited. When she told me she was scared the most brilliant thing I could come up with was that I was scared too. It was an honest answer and I think It's the best bit of husbandry I've done in a while.
I've had to pull over and cry. There have been calls to friends weeping like a fool gibbering that I knew I was powerless and it was in God's hands that I was scared witless. Recovery has taught me how to use new coping skills.I have had to walk out of the room so that I didn't fall apart like a cheap watch. Treating my depression and bipolar symptoms with a professional helps me recognize my own mood swings and emotions and adjust accordingly. There have been times when I have held her and we have fallen apart together. We turn to God in those moments and ask for strength.
The thing that gets me is that I tried to destroy myself a drink or drug at a time, over and over daily for 28 years. On one occasion I tried to do it all in one garage swan song. My faith is strong. I would be a liar if I didn't tell you that I don't get mad at God. I still want things my way. I always will. I probably have spoken about this before. I will undoubtedly again. I don't have to like the way things are in life. I only have to accept them to be reasonably happy and sane. I tried to fight reality for 28 years and it still did it's own thing it's own way. I just got high along the way because it wasn't my way.
The projects, films, speeches, books, jokes and ME things are on hold as of Monday. I am grateful that I can be there for MY WIFE. For the 12 years we have been together I couldn't always say that. I am human and there will be days in the future when I will fall short again. Monday will not be one of those days. Her days of recovery won't be those days. I will be there clear minded and at FULL attention. Sobriety gives me that gift and opportunity. Drunk I would call her mother and have her deal with it. That is the sad truth.
As I grow I ask God WHY less. That is good. I still ask sometimes. I don't know why he does what he does. I will find out someday when I reach the Great Woodstock Festival in the sky. What I can do is the next right things NOW. Sorries don't cut it any more. I will SHOW my wife my love for her through my actions not my intentions. It is my turn to take care of her.
I'm pretty sure that is how friendship and marriage is supposed to go. It's not a 50-50. One is strong when the other is weak. Marriage is a complimenting of each others strengths and weaknesses. One dog has to take the lead of the sled team each day. That dog changes depending on the situation. Both dogs keep the team and sled on track. I ask that you keep her in your prayers. She will be fine. She is Italian and from Berwyn. She'll probably grow a new kidney by the time we get home...
Professionally I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Soul Parole: Making Peace with My Mind, God and Myself is still on track to be released through Amazon/Kindle in mid November. I just finished a film called "Family" that is going to rock the festival world. "Chasing Hollywood," My first costarring film is premiering next week at the Naperville film festival. I have two films lined up back to back "The Fruit of Andersen Farm" shooting here in Chicago in October and "Beneath" Shooting in L.A. in November. As an actor I couldn't ask for more.
I have been speaking to civic groups about my story of addiction and depression and the list of appearance requests is growing. I am the Spokesman for this years "Rally Round Recovery 2011" in Will County taking place this weekend. All of my goals seem to be right on track. I feel I am doing the right things for the right reasons. I am grateful to be working with other people newly sober and facing depression and addiction issues. God is using me as a messenger. I am happy to be of service. I was a user, hostage taker, mind bender and scar tissue on this beautiful place we call earth for 28 years too long.
Squeaky whom I have put through the wringer emotionally, financially and everything else that ends with "LY" is facing surgery Monday. They will be removing half of her right kidney. There is a mass at the top that is unusual. They will biopsy it for disease on the operating table due to its' positioning in her body. I will sleep by her side while she is there and we will get through this season and trial, no matter what the outcome. The doctors have assured us that the long term prognosis is great but there is always concern for this type of major invasive procedure.
I haven't written about it because I have had more questions than answers about the whole thing. Quite a bit of it has left me speechless. I have been supportive and there for her and have tried not to "Fix" things. As a recovering "Fixer" that takes a lot of work to keep a cork in my big fat pie hole. I used to always have an answer or an insecure need to provide one to people even when it wasn't solicited. When she told me she was scared the most brilliant thing I could come up with was that I was scared too. It was an honest answer and I think It's the best bit of husbandry I've done in a while.
I've had to pull over and cry. There have been calls to friends weeping like a fool gibbering that I knew I was powerless and it was in God's hands that I was scared witless. Recovery has taught me how to use new coping skills.I have had to walk out of the room so that I didn't fall apart like a cheap watch. Treating my depression and bipolar symptoms with a professional helps me recognize my own mood swings and emotions and adjust accordingly. There have been times when I have held her and we have fallen apart together. We turn to God in those moments and ask for strength.
The thing that gets me is that I tried to destroy myself a drink or drug at a time, over and over daily for 28 years. On one occasion I tried to do it all in one garage swan song. My faith is strong. I would be a liar if I didn't tell you that I don't get mad at God. I still want things my way. I always will. I probably have spoken about this before. I will undoubtedly again. I don't have to like the way things are in life. I only have to accept them to be reasonably happy and sane. I tried to fight reality for 28 years and it still did it's own thing it's own way. I just got high along the way because it wasn't my way.
The projects, films, speeches, books, jokes and ME things are on hold as of Monday. I am grateful that I can be there for MY WIFE. For the 12 years we have been together I couldn't always say that. I am human and there will be days in the future when I will fall short again. Monday will not be one of those days. Her days of recovery won't be those days. I will be there clear minded and at FULL attention. Sobriety gives me that gift and opportunity. Drunk I would call her mother and have her deal with it. That is the sad truth.
As I grow I ask God WHY less. That is good. I still ask sometimes. I don't know why he does what he does. I will find out someday when I reach the Great Woodstock Festival in the sky. What I can do is the next right things NOW. Sorries don't cut it any more. I will SHOW my wife my love for her through my actions not my intentions. It is my turn to take care of her.
I'm pretty sure that is how friendship and marriage is supposed to go. It's not a 50-50. One is strong when the other is weak. Marriage is a complimenting of each others strengths and weaknesses. One dog has to take the lead of the sled team each day. That dog changes depending on the situation. Both dogs keep the team and sled on track. I ask that you keep her in your prayers. She will be fine. She is Italian and from Berwyn. She'll probably grow a new kidney by the time we get home...
Friday, September 9, 2011
CONTAGION...and a VIRUS I PLAN TO CATCH THAT IS SHAMELESS!
The highly anticipated film CONTAGION hit the big screen this week. I am one of the many extras who had an opportunity to appear in this blockbuster film directed by Steven Soderbergh. As usual Soderbergh brings out the A list with Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jude Law, Larry Fishburne, Kate Winslet and Bryan Cranston. When Mr. Soderbergh calls you pick up up the phone. His films are always exciting and action packed and most importantly money makers. The Oceans 11 trilogy is an example of his mastery of the camera and ease at bringing the best to the projects he directs. Whatever he creates brings people to the theater. His movies sell period.
Shot around the world Chicago was just a stop on the CONTAGION whirlwind filming tour. I was lucky enough to work on the film for 4 days. I worked one day with Larry Fishburne and "Breaking Bad" Bryan Cranston, 2 days with Kate Winslet and one day as a foreign dignitary. I worked 3 of the 4 days with Steven Soderbergh. As a comic I have to point out that although he plays some intense characters Bryan Cranston could be a comic in a heartbeat. He is a riot! He was slinging one liners like newspapers on the day I shot a large group scene with him and Fishburne. Mr. Fishburne is intense and has a great smile.
As an extra you are generally just background. People don't notice you because they are focused on the stars. Occasionally you are bumped up to what is known as a featured extra. The pay is the same and you have no lines but you are given a role in the film. That is a specific character in a scene. I was lucky enough to be cast as Superintendent of Schools in a small scene that was shot in and in front of the armory here in Chicago with Kate Winslet. It was just Kate, Steven Soderbergh, the crew, a few supporting actors and my Chicago acting friends Steve Price, Ric Rumowski, Scott Bagowicz and 2 other gentleman.
The Armory was massive and I was struck by a few thing working on this particular day. The first was that Steven Soderbergh was on set everyday I had been on the film. He was involved in every scene that I had worked on. He was not the high and mighty Director. He was approachable and very gentle and attentive to all in his world. Extras like me were not treated like second hand citizens, which can be the case sometimes. Mr. Soderbergh was just a regular guy. It was really cool. I hope I don't end up on the editing floor.
Next came Kate. She has a natural beauty and aura that emmanates from her. She is the farthest thing from a diva as you can get. She ate with the crew. She talked with everyone and could hold her own with a room full of sailors when it came to her vocabulary but she also has the grace of a swan. It was awesome being in a scene with just the 9 of us. It was refreshing to see her be just a person. I have heard stories of extras being thrown off of sets for saying hello to an actor. That's right! I also heard a story from a Chicago extra who worked with an A list celebrity from Boston who was told not to even look at him between takes. Come on! Are you kidding me?!
I had the same great experience with Kate Winslet on Contagion as I did when I worked with William H. Macy on season 1 of "Shameless." He came into the extras holding area and asked us about our lives and families. He asked us if we wanted to take pics with him. When I was shooting a scene with him (I'm in the episode where the youngest daughter abducts the baby) he directed me on how to approach him as the director walked away. I was cast as his neighbor. The fame or his job had not gotten to his head and soul. He is still just William Macy.
That is how I hope to be in my career as an actor, comic and author. Steven Soderbergh thanked me when we wrapped the that day of the Contagion shoot. ME an extra. That is right thinking and grateful living. William Macy and Kate Winslet hung out with the crowd and remembered where they started out. That is sharing with your compatriots and realizing your blood is red like mine.
We all are born, live and die. The movies are cool. Comedy is fun. Writing the book has been cathartic and hopefully will touch some hearts. The fact is we are all just flesh bones blood and soul. What you do on the outside may be interesting. It's what you do for each other that is vital. Teachers, Firemen, Cops and Soldiers are Stars in my book. I will make helping others a part of my life for whatever's left of it. If I ever reach a point in my career where I don't eat with the crew, or hang with the extras, or help a friend in need then I will have forgotten that GOD gave me all these wonderful blessings and understand when they all disappear...
Shot around the world Chicago was just a stop on the CONTAGION whirlwind filming tour. I was lucky enough to work on the film for 4 days. I worked one day with Larry Fishburne and "Breaking Bad" Bryan Cranston, 2 days with Kate Winslet and one day as a foreign dignitary. I worked 3 of the 4 days with Steven Soderbergh. As a comic I have to point out that although he plays some intense characters Bryan Cranston could be a comic in a heartbeat. He is a riot! He was slinging one liners like newspapers on the day I shot a large group scene with him and Fishburne. Mr. Fishburne is intense and has a great smile.
As an extra you are generally just background. People don't notice you because they are focused on the stars. Occasionally you are bumped up to what is known as a featured extra. The pay is the same and you have no lines but you are given a role in the film. That is a specific character in a scene. I was lucky enough to be cast as Superintendent of Schools in a small scene that was shot in and in front of the armory here in Chicago with Kate Winslet. It was just Kate, Steven Soderbergh, the crew, a few supporting actors and my Chicago acting friends Steve Price, Ric Rumowski, Scott Bagowicz and 2 other gentleman.
The Armory was massive and I was struck by a few thing working on this particular day. The first was that Steven Soderbergh was on set everyday I had been on the film. He was involved in every scene that I had worked on. He was not the high and mighty Director. He was approachable and very gentle and attentive to all in his world. Extras like me were not treated like second hand citizens, which can be the case sometimes. Mr. Soderbergh was just a regular guy. It was really cool. I hope I don't end up on the editing floor.
Next came Kate. She has a natural beauty and aura that emmanates from her. She is the farthest thing from a diva as you can get. She ate with the crew. She talked with everyone and could hold her own with a room full of sailors when it came to her vocabulary but she also has the grace of a swan. It was awesome being in a scene with just the 9 of us. It was refreshing to see her be just a person. I have heard stories of extras being thrown off of sets for saying hello to an actor. That's right! I also heard a story from a Chicago extra who worked with an A list celebrity from Boston who was told not to even look at him between takes. Come on! Are you kidding me?!
I had the same great experience with Kate Winslet on Contagion as I did when I worked with William H. Macy on season 1 of "Shameless." He came into the extras holding area and asked us about our lives and families. He asked us if we wanted to take pics with him. When I was shooting a scene with him (I'm in the episode where the youngest daughter abducts the baby) he directed me on how to approach him as the director walked away. I was cast as his neighbor. The fame or his job had not gotten to his head and soul. He is still just William Macy.
That is how I hope to be in my career as an actor, comic and author. Steven Soderbergh thanked me when we wrapped the that day of the Contagion shoot. ME an extra. That is right thinking and grateful living. William Macy and Kate Winslet hung out with the crowd and remembered where they started out. That is sharing with your compatriots and realizing your blood is red like mine.
We all are born, live and die. The movies are cool. Comedy is fun. Writing the book has been cathartic and hopefully will touch some hearts. The fact is we are all just flesh bones blood and soul. What you do on the outside may be interesting. It's what you do for each other that is vital. Teachers, Firemen, Cops and Soldiers are Stars in my book. I will make helping others a part of my life for whatever's left of it. If I ever reach a point in my career where I don't eat with the crew, or hang with the extras, or help a friend in need then I will have forgotten that GOD gave me all these wonderful blessings and understand when they all disappear...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)