As we move in to Independence Day weekend I have much to be thankful for and emotions, old and new, flood my mind. What comes to mind first is that today I have a CHOICE NOT to use. For many years I had no choice. I was going to use no matter how sick, sorry, broken, lost, loved, hated, rich or poor I was. I am no longer a slave to an obsession, compulsion and allergy that makes for a three headed monster that can not be beaten by oneself. PERIOD!
There are those who quit using alcohol or drugs. That is not sobriety. That is merely no longer feeding the beast. The person is just "dry." The issues behind the need to use have not been addressed and the halting of use leaves the person filled with anger, resentment, self-pity, martyrdom, uniqueness and a generally discontented life. That is the norm. Drinking and drugging was a symptom to deeper lying problems that were festering on the surface and deep within me. Depression, low self-esteem and critical thinking were at the core of who I was. I didn't like me. I was trained to feel less than. Chemicals made me okay with me until they turned on me and doubled my misery.
Today I have found I am not unique in my thinking. I am a unique person. My problems, feelings, life experiences, pain and how I reacted to them are personalized to me but are interchangeable with any addict or alcoholic. What a relief! It was a lot of pressure being a one of a kind drunk in a planet populated by billions of human beings! We are all the same. We just did the same things in different places with different people. I am proud to say I am just an average drunk and addict.
It wasn't until I was able to get over my "self" that I began to get different and become comfortable with me and you and the world around me. Addiction and recovery is an inside job. I am starting to like hanging out with me. I still have a hard time taking compliments but at least I can sit with me and be okay. It is a daily project of growth repairing me after 40 years of malfunctioning thinking and self destructive habits.
It wasn't until I was okay with me that I could begin to have real relationships free of conditions or motives with other human beings. For years I thought people were out to leave me, hurt me or screw me over. Now I get great satisfaction out of being of use to others and getting nothing in return. That is an oxymoron because knowing I am now a productive, useful citizen and someone who can be depended on gives me great inner satisfaction. Making someone else happy or giving them ease makes me smile inside. The what's in it for me mentality that goes with addiction has faded.
As far as dependence goes I am no longer dependent on chemicals but am on GOD, friends and family and new thinking to get me through the day to day challenges and wonders of life. I do not have to go it alone. What a cold isolated existence that was. I need others to help me when I don't have the answers or the insights to a problem I face. I seek counsel from my FATHER and friends because I don't want to get lost again. I used to dread not knowing what to do so I would guess and hope for the best. Now I turn to others to point me in the right direction.
As for my depression, it is what it is. Like my alcoholism is arrested and not cured, my depression can be managed but not eliminated. I get the blues but I don't have to let them lead me to dark chasms of despair. I can recognize them, pray for help, call a friend and reach out and get out of myself and then I don't have time to think about the blues. When I get too wound up I can recognize the manic side of depression and find a quiet place and meditate and chat with the big guy until the elevator comes down a few floors.
The thing I love most about my life now is that I don't sweat the future too much and I have made peace with my past. Right now is so cool and whether I wish to accept it or not it's all there is. I have missed too many todays sick from yesterdays and freaking on tomorrows. Time slows down in the present. I enjoy the moment as much as possible. That doesn't mean that some planning doesn't occur. I just don't worry about where I'll be in 2033.
I am grateful for the pain God has put me through. I have learned a lot from it. It has also given me experience that I now share with others who are just coming into recovery. I share my pain, I gain their trust. Never trust a chef who won't eat his own food, right? God saved me for a reason 237 times at least. I used to question why. Now I just say thanks and try to be a messenger of his love and grace and a steward of his unending mercy. I know he loves me. That's good enough. I can't impress him or earn my way to paradise. I can do "on earth as it is in heaven." Just to say thanks for giving me a break 237 times or so.
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