Addiction and depression are tough enough to deal with separately on their own. Together they make for a one-two punch that can floor you or leave you down for the count. In sobriety I have had to deal with both of them individually but equally because they both work like a tag team on my mental condition and emotional state. I have to be continuously aware of both conditions because they want to gain control of me and try to trigger the other.
As I grow in my sobriety and learn more about living a chemical free life, my addiction is with me learning too. It is the model student always paying attention and gathering information on what I am doing to contain it. It is patient and content waiting for me with predatory anticipation hoping that it can find a vulnerable crack in my new way of thinking. It will wait a lifetime. It will be with me forever. I will never be cured of my disease. It is merely in remission and itching for a comeback.
It loves my depression. It knows that overwhelming emotion is what causes an addict to use and react the quickest. It smacks its lips and gnaws at my ears when I feel a little down hoping I go over the line of darkness to the point where chemical escape becomes an option. If I whip myself into a frenzy of laughter and start to climb the scale towards mania it wants to give me a boost with a wink and a nudge suggesting that a swig or a hit would just make the natural high just a bit better. As Nigel Tufnel would say, it would take me to "11."
Each of my conditions are medical, one a disease, one a condition. I treat my alcoholism and addiction by going to support groups and surrounding myself with people who suffer from the same illness I do. Earthlings can't relate. My depression is treated with medication and my therapist whom I share my struggles and growth with. Both are support groups, life lines to my sanity and continued growth and contented reality.
Ultimately my life and the quality of it, being good or bad, depends on my spiritual health. When I am right with my creator everything else seems to work out. Even if that means the sky is falling on my Chicken Little head I know I have HIM to lean on instead of a chemical or emotional outburst. I have new mechanisms in place for old systems of operation.
A friend of mine who suffers from a severe mental disorder, along with addiction issues, has decided to go off his medication. His doctor did not tell him to do so. His family, girlfriend, friends and recovery mentor (me) have told him not to. He has made his decision. I disagree. His addiction has helped him make the decision for him. The old excuses don't work anymore. He has been to far too many recovery meetings and knows what to do and what not to do.
His addiction has been a crafty pupil too and has found its way in by telling him that he doesn't need to be on medication for his mental illness. It is only a matter of time before he finds himself in an institution of some sort. He will be wearing either white or orange. Either color will look terrible on him. He has worn both colors before. There is no reasoning with him for he has made his decision. The medication will slowly leave his system and the discomfort and rage will rise. He will use or act out. That is a fact.
I truly love this man. I picked him up for recovery meetings early in his sobriety. I brought him to my home and paid him to do odd jobs around the house when he couldn't find work. My family embraced him. He was willing to listen and learn. He was open minded and would do anything to maintain his sobriety. He has since closed his mind, will not listen to the doctors, friends or family. That is a sure sign that bad things are on the horizon. All I can do is pray and leave the outcomes to God. It may not be enough but it is all I can do.
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