When I Lose My Balance...Everyone falls....Today I get Back Up!

When you have a condition you learn to live with it or in denial of it. For years I lived in denial that I was an alcoholic or, more specifically, that I had some underlying depression issues that were impacting my life. Part of the reason I used was to slow my racing mind down to a level so that I could sit comfortably in my own skin. Most addicts and alcoholics don't realize they are self-medicating to relieve the underlying condition. I know I didn't.

Being a funny guy, I knew I sometimes had the "blues" and other times got a little too wound up. I really didn't think that I had an actual neurological condition or malfunctioning mind. The round pegs were trying to slam themselves into square holes in my melon and I did what I had to do to relieve myself of the discomfort. That was to seek distraction through a variety of addictions some chemical, others human, pornographic, culinary, animated. The list goes on ad infinitum. All of them were to relieve the chaos of my thinking mind with different chaos.

Being a well read, fairly intelligent guy the proposal that there was somehow something "not right" with my "thinker" was horrifying. I was diagnosed as having some manic characteristics and depression in 1999. I was prescribed Lithium which made me angry. I wasn't drinking, but smoking pot and the depression was soon replaced with irritation and short temperateness. The fact that I wasn't drinking allowed me to overlook the horrible side effects that the medication had on me. It never dawned on me that not all medications work on all people, or react differently in each patient. When the discomfort became too much I eliminated the drug and I added booze into the mix with my weed and speed.

On Father's Day I woke up anxious. It was my first without my dad. I was off to a racing start emotionally. Squeaky, Hem and I went to the flea market and it was crowded. I was doing my best to please them both. People pleasing is another part of my personality profile. I was quick with the tongue, sharp with the wit, some of it stinging. I was in a mildly manic state, plain and simple.

The confusing paradox of mania is that it can be quite useful at some times. At moments, when managed and organized, I can get quite a bit done. It is also difficult at times for me to recognize it because I am a high functioning person. I am not classic manic. I am actually 2 levels below that. I have more depression issues than manic ones. I have never had a true manic episode. However, I have had full blown depression. That I think is in the family bloodline.

I tended to the girls and scurried about and was quiet or short in my responses. I cooked on the grill and rambled at dinner. I was taken aback when I went up to kiss my wife and tell her that I was going to a recovery meeting that she snapped and said I had been a f***ing pr**k all day. I was genuinely blind sided by her comment. Being in an irritable state I got pouty and left for the meeting, tail firmly lodged between my legs, bemoaning my father's death and nurturing the martyrdom of MY Father's Day being ruined by her comments.

The meeting made me feel better and I thought about my behavior and that of the days prior. Had I been short tempered? Aloof? Isolating? A victim? Critical? Selfish? The honest answer was yes. I have enough sobriety and insight into my disease, healthy and unhealthy behaviors to assess my actions and go from there. I returned home and my daughter said, "Daddy, you were a bit manic today." Those words were much more productive and useful for me to work with than my wife's but I held no grudge. She is recovering from surgery and was venting.

I called my doctor in the morning and we reviewed my prior day's behavior and medication regiment. I had missed my last appointment and we had moved to a new med since our meeting 4 months prior. I didn't realize that the medication was meant to be slowly increased to reach the optimal therapeutic level. I was just glad that my depression was gone and I was active again. The meds were adjusted and one was removed permanently. I felt better. The family felt better and today I feel great. I feel like me.

I have come to realize that I am not nuts, just a little wacky. I am cool with that. I prefer it actually. That is my gift and my identity. God made me this way. The round pegs are going in the round holes. I do need to stay on top of my moods and behaviors. Medications lose their effectiveness after awhile. That is an unfortunate reality of my condition. I plead with you to educate yourself on depression and mental disorders.

Aside from the heart, the brain does the most work but gets such little respect. A friend of mine who suffers from depression said a person recently asked him if he heard voices. That is funny and sad at the same time. The way our society looks at a person with a brain that is not dialed right as defective baffles me.

Here are a few folks you may know who suffered or suffer from Manic Depression. Would you call them Nuts? The list includes Mozart, Winston Churchill, Ted Turner, Jim Carrey, Tom Waits, Isaac Newton, Walt Whitman, Cary Grant, Abe Lincoln, Vincent Van Gogh, Francis Ford Coppola, Drew Carey, Mark Twain, Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Ralph Waldo Emerson, T.S. Elliot, Robert E. Lee. I'll hang with that crowd any day.

We fear what we do not understand. Educate yourself and free yourself from fear. God Bless.