I had to pick a point where Soul Parole would wrap up. My trip to California was a logical choice. My career in comedy and acting took off after I realized how valuable life is when my dad died. I have acted a man possessed savoring family, friends and opportunities since then. Sobriety and life itself is a gift. I will leave nothing on the table of regrets behind. This project falls 2 days after the first anniversary of his passing.
I can not reveal much about my time here in California but I can say that I am facing another fear that has plagued me since I was a small boy. I can not in good conscience write of hope and courage asking others to face personal demons and not be willing to face my own. This fear is not one that has prevented me from getting jobs or kept me up at night. It has robbed me of doing things I love alone and with my kids. I am here seeking therapy.
It took 17 hours to get here from O'Hare airport yesterday. I spent 9 hours in Chicago and 4 in Minneapolis before reaching the Golden State at midnight. There was chaos, anger, frustration and confusion. None of it from me. I was filled with gratitude to be picked for the project and relieve more of the bondage of being me. The weather was out of my control. Anger slows the clock to a grind for me. Frustration is contagious. Mainly, I wanted to reflect on the last 10 months of my growth in sobriety and depression management.
I have become a different man. On some days there are mental "dry" spots where I act like a drunk without the sauce. There are more steps forward than back. I have accepted my humanity. For a long time I thought becoming sober would cure me of anger, frustration, sarcasm and all negative shortcomings. In short I thought I would become the Dalai Lama. I see now that I am striving to be a better Tommy Connolly. It seems to be working. God is shaping me in his time.
I no longer wake up hating Tommy, loathing existence and looking for a way out of me any way possible. I am getting to know Tom. He's not a bad guy on most occasions. He can be a bit pouty and a baby. He has a bit of a drama queen flair about him but he also has deep passion and genuine compassion. When drunk, all he knew was chaos and pain. He has more ups than downs. He doesn't live in yesterdays nor dread 2038. He digs right here, right now.
I have come to know a GOD who equals love, not locusts and guilt. God is love. We chat all the time. I really like the guy. His kid is like my brother. We talk even more. He would do anything for me. It is so cool to know that I am not alone. For years I drank, used, chased God, ran from him and had this huge void inside that I tried to fill with outside things.
Money, cars, girls, booze, porn, thrills, places, jobs, clothes and toys all were fun for about 15 minutes then the emptiness crept back into the inside. Until I filled the hole with hope and faith the hole just got bigger and the addiction bigger with it. Addiction is an inside job that requires outside help. So is depression. You are not alone. You can not beat it alone safely and sanely on your own. Ask for help. As for God he will help you any time, any place. Just ask for it. None of us can get through life alone or God would have stopped at Adam. For the Atheists, he would have stopped at the first one celled organism. WE NEED EACH OTHER!
For all of you who think you are unique in your addiction and can beat it, so did John Coltrane, Billie Holiday, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Keith Moon, Jim Morrision, John Belushi, Chris Farley, Charlie Parker, John Bonham, Ernest Heminway and Amy Winehouse. Just to name a few. These are some talented people. Addiction wants you dead regardless of how talented you are, how cute your kids are and how nice you treat your grandma. You are not, and can not, do it alone. Reach out your hand for help. There will be some one to help you. If you don't there's room left on the list to add your name.
This is not the end of the line, only one drawn in the sand.
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