"Soccer Moms' Please Drive Thru"...

As an addict I have a thing about taking on baggage. I love baggage big and small. I hoard it. The more emotionally painful the package the more I can obsess about it. The more rotten the deed done to another in my past the bigger the package grows in my mind. I caress it and beat myself to bits with it. From a passing comment probably not even meant for me to a second grade fist fight, I remember it all. I have a database of emotional unfinished business that used to make my life unbearable.

The pressure, guilt, remorse, shame and self-loathing created the need to try to escape myself for those many years through bottle and drug. Addicts live emotionally not intellectually or logically. Our emotions make our decisions in most cases. I reacted emotionally then would sort out the fallout from my behavior. We remember everything by our PERCEPTION of the emotional impact people and situations had on us or we had on them. That is why we create chaos in others lives. It is for the emotional insanity and drama. It is our ultimate drug. Chaos.

As our mind clears and we begin to work recovery strategies we try to reduce the baggage which in turn lessens the desire to use. We begin to feel comfortable in our own skins and minds. We try to go back through the rubbish pile that was our past and clean up the joint. The people we have hurt and lied, cheated and stolen from whether it be financially, emotionally or physically are met face to face and we come clean with a sincere desire to make things right. Sometimes it works out and there is a happy ending. Other times we get a dressing down. Still other times we are told that we had no impact at all.

 All of the reactions are growing experiences and are important if long term sobriety is to be achieved. If a flower wants to grow it needs space in the pot or its' roots will rot and it will die. The same goes for drunks like me. I was going crazy from all the baggage. As I have cleared it away and made peace with my friends, family and self (to an extent) life gets better. God has given me the strength to stay clean and my mind is less packed with that crap. The worries, fears, pain and shame of who I was that paralyzed me is now setting me free by cleaning it up.

Now I am able to look at people in the eye with confidence and honesty. I can be a true friend. I can be of use not a user. I can sit with Tommy Connolly and not want to stab the guy in the eye with a fork! Wherever I run to I will always be there to meet me. That is a fact. It gets a little bit easier to hang with me the more I get right with God, man and me.

There are some people I can't make things right with. Some are dead. Some have new lives and I can't disrupt their happy harmony with my horror show rewind. Some I can't find but am ready to make things right if I find them. In these cases I try to be of service in other areas. On one occasion I stole something from a store that I could not go back to for fear of Shaw Shank Redemption. My mentor had me buy dog food in the amount of the item taken and had me take it to the humane society. Perfect! Karma square! I felt better that I was able to make the situation right. In a few years I will go back and make the situation right with the store. The point is that baggage was removed and I am a bit more okay with me because of the cleansing.

Yesterday I went with a friend to work at a food pantry here in Joliet. It is called the Family Outreach Food Pantry. I did not go there for any particular reason. My buddy called me at 6:10 am and asked if I wanted to volunteer at the food bank at 6:30. At first I was miffed because I hate to be late. Its' part of the new me. The only thing I was on time for in the past was beer sales and fresh bales. I said sure, and away we went. I can tell you now that God had my friend call me. There are no coincidences.

My vision of a food bank and food lines takes me back to my grade school history classes and the "Great Depression". You remember the old films and the market crash of 1929. There was the dust bowl and the people getting broth put into tin cups. I had a vision of homeless people coming up to the food bank and us handing little packages to the less fortunate. You know? It was going to be people in ratty cars and ripped clothes and winos and all the stereotypes I try so hard to fight when it comes to the labeling of alcoholics, addicts and those who suffer from mental disorders. I was doing the SAME thing before we got there.

We arrived at the tiny tavern parking lot where the food distribution point is and my friend was assigned to traffic control. WHAT? Traffic control at a food bank! He had the vest and the cool little flashlight with the pointy orange end on it and everything. I was jealous for a minute. I was assigned to fill orders. That was to put the boxes of food into the vehicles as they pulled up. This is where the story gets interesting, horrifying, eye opening and real folks. The real state of the STATES.

As the cars began to pull up I was taken aback. This can't be! There were a few beat up cars and a few homeless folks walked up whom I greeted with a grateful hello and a "God Bless you." The vast majority of the cars were "Soccer Moms." There were cars of all makes and models right up to a Tahoe with leather interior. The common denominator was all of these people "needed" food. There was no scam. Some folks looked down as I put on a smile and made a quick joke as to let them know it's a beautiful day as I slung the food into their back seats.

Single parents' pulled through with babies strapped in and we offered extra bread to those who wanted it. Every single family wanted it. Like alcoholism and addiction the people in the line to receive the food were a perfect cross section of Americana and it blew me away. Some folks looked as though they had stopped on break from work or were on the way to drop the kids at school. It was heartbreaking and gratifying at the same time. It is a day I won't forget.

In 90 minutes we handed out 300 boxes of food. When that ran out and we had only bread left people were happy and humbled to have a few loaves of that alone. I went home and sat silent for awhile. We are in trouble in this country. They have the food pantry every week and turn away more and more families.

I stood in front of my fridge and looked at the food and saw that our pantry was filled and it made me think of the times when I have said there is nothing to eat when in fact there was plenty. There just wasn't what I WANTED TO EAT in the fridge or pantry at that moment. I will be back to help again next Thursday at the  pantry.

 I remember not having food. I remember not wanting food because it would take up space my booze needed to fill. I also remember eating garbage when I wanted to eat and had to use my money to buy the booze. I've seen it from all sides. I think if there is anything that I can leave you with it is be thankful for what God has given you... and more thankful for what he hasn't...

My 180 at a 360 Degree Tour!

Anyone who knows me is painfully aware that I am a music nut! I take great joy in sharing the sounds that man creates from native chants to rock classics with anyone who is willing to listen. This has been the case since I was about 4. Sometimes it is easier for me to express how I am feeling through a song than trying to speak the words myself. I usually say exactly the opposite of what I am trying to convey.

My combined album, CD, and MP3 collection easily surpasses 30,000 songs. I am a true audiophile. I can talk for hours on end about the most useless rock facts. I dream of going on Jeopardy and Alex reveals an all music clue board. My bets would be full boat on the daily double every time. Along with hearing great music I enjoy seeing live performances as well. The three artists I have seen most are Elvis Costello, Bob Dylan and U2.

From the list you can see that my big three share a common thread. They are all good musicians, great song writers and complete artists. I love artists who are devoted to their art, regardless of the critical response. Dylan is not a singer. He is a poet who delivers the poetry via a rough, acquired taste voice. His songs are meant to be experienced, not enjoyed for their aesthetic vocal quality. It's in the word cobbling. If you are looking for just sound Josh Groban is he ticket. I am a lyrics guy plain and simple.

U2 is one of my favorite bands of ALL time. They are my modern Beatles. Larry is Ringo, Edge is George, Adam is Paul (bass playing only) and Bono is John. I started listening to them in 1982 when "WAR" hit the airwaves. It was their third album. I told everyone to check them out and that they would be huge. I wish I would have kept my mouth shut.

I first saw them in 1986 on the Amnesty International, "Conspiracy of Hope" Tour with, The Police, Peter Gabriel, Lou Reed, Joan Baez, The Neville Brothers, Robin Williams and Bryan Adams. They were surreal live. The Police were breaking up and U2 was the new guard. I was hammered and hopeful and ate up the show like pablum. Who wouldn't with that line up? They wrapped up the night with Pete Seeger's "I Shall Be Released." I was in musical nirvana.

I would end up seeing them a year later on the Joshua Tree Tour. They were growing. The songs were getting deeper, more spiritual and they oozed with raw charisma. It would be 5 years until I would see them again but I made up for it by seeing them 3 times on the Zoo TV Tour. Once indoors at the Allstate Arena, twice outdoors back to back at the then World Music Theater. Public Enemy opened for them and traffic was so bad they flew the band members in individually by helicopter. As the choppers set down and each of the guys hunkered down under the spinning wind blasting rotors I felt like I was at Woodstock. I was behaving like I was as well. It was 1992.

My next experience live with the boys from Dublin was in 2005 during the "All That You Can't Leave Behind Tour." I took Andrea/Hemingway with me. I had passed my love for U2 onto her and they were common ground for us in an otherwise shifting plate existence. The band was great and she loved the show. I felt like a small crack was formed in our complicated relationship. Squeaky went as well and it was a nice family night out beyond the $300 price tag. That made it a mini-vacation. I was "DRY" but had some herb before the show so was not sober.

Fast forward to the current day U2 and me. They were playing a gig at Soldier Field with tickets upwards of $275 dollars. They had sold out to Big Brother in my book. How much money did they need? I don't know how much they donate and do know that Bono's work with AIDS and hunger in Africa earned him the Nobel Peace Prize but come on! A few days before the show I checked online and some $30 tickets were available. I toyed with the idea of going. The best available were behind the stage.

The morning of the show I checked again and a single ticket was available dead center. Like Charlie ripping open a Wonka Bar looking for a golden ticket I ran for my wallet and entered my info carefully watching that demon clock counting down the time in the corner to complete my transaction. I swear my ability to enter information is cut in half while that doomsday device is determined to prevent me from buying me my seat. I made it. Barely! I printed my ticket and was off to see the boys for my seventh and decidedly last time.

Things were different this time. I went to the show alone and did not drive. I took the train downtown then caught a bus. I didn't buy the forty dollar shirt. I bought the $20 version from the parking lot guy. I didn't realize there was an opening act, Interpol. They are very good, 4 stars in my book. There were 2 trains back to Joliet that night 9:45 and 11:15. I had to drive my wife to Oak Brook at 5:15am the next morning and had a full day engagement. The show started at 7pm promptly. Interpol played the usual 40 minutes. I assumed that U2 would hit the stage about 8:00.

I love people watching. It is a hobby I adore and one that adds to my acting skills...I hope. The booze was flying. Old familiar smells wafted by. I was sober. You see that was part of my quest. I had never seen the band sober. I wanted my fascination with the band to come 360 with them. Just like the name of the current tour. They approached the stage to the booming sounds of Bowie's "Space Oddity," one of my all time favorite songs. It was like God knew I was looking for closure. It was also 8:40pm.

They opened with a handful of songs from "Achtung Baby." They had aged as I had. Bono was less flamboyant. Their hair was white or salt and pepper like mine. They were just men, human like me. They're just guys who have really cool jobs. The bubble had burst. The music was still great but the hypnotic chemical fascination gone. I realized it was the music that had drawn me to the band and I do recommend seeing them once if you have the chance. I had seen them all those times so I could rationalize getting hammered.

God sent me a final message. It was coming up on 9:30. The band had been playing for 45 minutes and Bono started talking about his wife Ali who had been with him through thick and thin and was there that night. He then introduced "Out of Control," their first minor hit in America. He said that she stayed with him even when things were out of control. I listened to the song, picked up my things and headed for the train. I called Squeaky on the way home. She was in bed. She had stuck by me when I was out of control and needed me in the morning. 45 minutes sober was quite enough for this ol' boy. I caught a cab to Lasalle street and just made my train.

On the way home I felt blessed to have gone to see U2 one more time. I had $48 dollars left in my pocket from the hundred I bought. In my wild days I would have brought home dust and IOU's. I put the song "40" on my MP3 player, U2's reference to Psalms 40 and my life verse. I fell asleep, stirring as we rolled up to Mokena, my boyhood home. I made it home and into bed by midnight. I kissed my wife and gave thanks to a truly merciful God. I reviewed my day then was out like a light.

I was as fresh as a daisy taking Miss Squeaky to Oak Brook the following morning. There was no hangover, regrets or tired eyes; only thankfulness.

The Luck O' The Irish Aint All That Bad!

Last night was the 8th out of the last 10 St. Patrick's Days that I spent sober! There aren't many Irishmen who can say that and be proud, but I am. For many years every day was St. Patty's Day for me. I also want to clarify for those who don't know. If you tell someone that they have the "luck o' the Irish." you are not telling them they are on a streak of jolly tidings. The Irish traditionally have had shite for luck. To wish someone "the luck of the Irish," is to basically wish them hunger, loss of home, servitude, oppression and general misery. You're better off wishing someone no luck at all than to bestow upon them the "luck o' the Irish."

Last night the Micks beat the odds. We had one helluva night in the working town of Joliet, Illinois, a miniature Pittsburgh or Boston about 30 miles outside of Chicago. On an unseasonably warm night I was blessed to take the stage with 7 other Irish comics and 1 Mexican (minority requirements) for a night of laughter and friendship at the good old American Legion Harwood Post. It was the first show put together by Patrick Bagdon (soon to go national) and myself. I have to say for our first time out of the gate it was a huge success.

Being no stranger to self promotion myself, all of the other comics promoted the show for a month and the turnout was great. The crowd looked like part of the cast from "The Departed," some from "Happy Days," and the rest from "How the World Turns." It was the great American melting pot. The line up consisted of me, Patrick Bagdon, Horacio Ramirez, Kristen Toomey McLaughlin, Dan Brennan, Derek Miller, Sean Patrick Conroy, Joe Larkin and Patrick O'Hara. Everyone was on game. Everyone was in top form; a rarity when everyone in the lineup hits a home run.

Making people laugh is something that has always given me great pleasure and satisfaction. Last night was no exception. Comics are a rare breed and a unique species. We take the darkness of the world and turn it into light. We take our pain and let people in on it and get a chuckle out of it. There is no such thing as a well adjusted comic. We have to be a little off center to come up with some of the material that spills from our lips. Mostly we say the things that most people want to but don't dare to. We say what most folks dare to think.

Beyond making people laugh, I was touched to the center of my being by all the friends, old and new, who came out to support me. It would be impossible to name them all but I have to point out my friend Todd Brown. I've known him since we were in diapers. That's when we were little, not a freaky thing. Plus Lisa Koon. These are friends I hadn't seen in 20 years who I used to run with when I was about 5. Fond memories of Mokena and grade school filled my head. It was like we left off where we were during our last conversation. Nothing had changed.

There were friends from recovery and friends from high school and the comedy circuit. I actually had to take my set list with me onstage because I was afraid I was going to forget my routine! By the grace of God I didn't. I got some laughs. I got some groans. Both acceptable responses for a comic's happiness. My cousin, who just lost his mother, even showed up to support me. It almost brought me to tears. The whole night had me feeling like a big ball of mush. I just wanted to hug and kiss everyone in the joint, and I think I did.

I tend to beat up on myself for mistakes I have made in my life too much. Last night God showed me I truly am loved. He has blessed me with a talent I love to share. Seeing so many friends made me put the bat down and ease up on myself. I may not be a man rich in earthly treasure but when it comes to friends my cup runneth over. In one night many years of regret and insecurity was washed away and replaced by a feeling of love and real friendship. I was truly happy and grateful, two feelings I think I could really get used to. Thanks again. God bless us all.

Christmas Rules For 2010 A MUST READ!

Today, I got up before the sun, as usual. Another Christmas is here. I had some time before everyone got up to think of Christmases past and the optimism I have on Christmases to come. There is not a pile of gifts under our freshly cut tree. The decorations are minimal and the perennial playing of Frank Sinatra and Deano holiday songs is not playing.

In the front window sits a fiber optic tree just 3 feet tall. It is my Charlie Brown Christmas tree. There are a few assorted family gifts and holiday clutter in the dining room. There are no lights circling my house as in years gone by. When the kids got up there was no rapid shuffling in slippered feet as each of them jockeyed for first place in the gift grabbing derby. The paper wasn't strewn about like a Hallmark Tsunami hit our family room. There was no happy faces at receiving the perfect gift or familiar frowns as a box with socks or underwear was opened.

My wife got up and her back hurt. My daughter got up and jumped in the shower. My son grabbed a cup of coffee and retreated to his room to rid the world of Nazi Zombies. My, how times have changed. How fast the times goes. There was hugs and kind words of love and it was a relaxing, contented feeling as my tiny children have grown. But there is some melancholy reflection on how I miss those days.

Later we will be visiting Kris' side of the family for Christmas dinner and gifts. Her family is colorful and very Italian. I remember times when certain family members would irritate me to the point of obsession, thus robbing me of a lovely day. Some couples have broken up or moved away to start broods of their own in different towns and distant places.

My wish to you today is enjoy TODAY! There will come a day when the adrenalin charged shrieks of your kids will be replaced with their new plans and new friends. Traditions long held will be altered as multiple family visits demand careful time management and logistical planning. There are times when our kids talk or chatter so much we wish they would shut up. The day is coming when you will crave that chatter and have to pry a decent conversation out of them.

WARNING! One of your family members will make you crazy today. One will drink too much. Another will gossip or say nothing. A story that you wish was long forgotten will be thrown in your face and new stories will be created. Don't let it get to you! Nobody should have that much power over us anymore.

Family is our family. Our kids will soon be grown and gone. New traditions will replace the old and some members will disappear from death, divorce or whatever. Enjoy every minute today! Suck the life out of your kid's antics. Accept the crazy things Uncle Joe does as cute. Forget what happened to you when you were 9. Live this Christmas like it is your last.

This is my first Christmas without my dad. Our family was able to bring him home last year and it was difficult to see him declining. We all somehow knew that it would be our last together as one. I miss him today and everyday.

As you go about the frenetic pace this day brings, be thankful for what is right in your world. Put pain aside and breathe gratitude and thanks for what you have been given. Be more thankful for what you haven't been given. We only have today. So does everyone who populates our hearts and minds. Just for today live your life as love, happiness and gratitude.

My Christmas Gift 2010

In a previous chapter I mentioned that I spent Christmas in 1998 alone, drunk, lost and covered in cock roaches, wishing God would end my life. Boy how times have changed! It is 10:30 pm here in Plainfield. I am sitting at my coffee table with my back just 20 feet from the attached garage where I tried to force his hand at my exit and he chose to let me live.

Fabian, my black Lab, and Grace, my Pekingese, are laying by my wife, who is sawing logs on the couch across from me. My son Scotty, or Bro as I call him, is in bed or more likely killing zombies on Xbox. Cooter, my yellow Lab, is laying near the bedroom of my eldest daughter, Ange and keeping watch over that part of the house. Not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse.

I have so much to be thankful for on this Christmas. This is the 12th Christmas with my pre-made family. 2010 has been rough with the death of my Dad, putting down my Pug Ruby, having a cancer scare, losing my job and trying to get through all of that sober. Those life challenges are what we all face and for an addict with depression issues, it feels great that I have friends who help me deal with things sober minded. I have finally realized I can do very little alone.

As I write I am comfortable being me right now. It isn't like that every day. The face that stares back at me sometimes bugs me. But I can look myself in the eye. I can look at others in the eye. When I was using I would look at me and others then quickly redirect my gaze. The amazing thing is that the better I get along with me, the better I get along with the world around me.

Even when I was using I got flashes of peace, especially on Christmas Eve. Did you ever notice how quiet it gets outside around midnight? As a kid I would look at the nativity scene and be fascinated and uplifted at the story of Jesus' birth. If you haven't experienced it open a door and listen to the sounds of silence. It seems to me that for a few moments the noise and commotion of the world gets muted. I can feel a tinge of "Peace on Earth." I can feel the good of the universe edging out the bad in that rare and precious moment.

I am so grateful that in 1998 God said no to my pleas. I am so grateful that God said not yet in 2004. I am so very humbled at the friends I have found in you and the many people I have met on the set or on the stage. It feels comfortable and I almost feel normal. Normal isn't a word thrown in my direction very often.

I don't know what stands in the road of my life between now and next Christmas, or between tonight and tomorrow, for that matter. I do know I can face life sober. It feels good to feel! It feels amazing to have emotions instead of living emotionally. I have learned from my ghosts of Christmas and May Day's past that God does answer our prayers. It isn't always when we demand the answer. It is in his time.

I have also learned that sometimes, when I ask for what I want, God says NO! I have also been blessed with a God who gives me everything and more than I really need. MERRY CHRISTMAS to you all. I am glad I have, God, you, family, friends, sobriety and HOPE in my life tonight. Happy Birthday Jesus and I hope some of you join me outside in a short while to hear the sounds of silence ringing in your ear. Peace! God it's Good to be alive.

"And So This Is Christmas....War Is Over, If You Want It"...John Lennon

After my last two blogs on past Christmases, and at the risk of jumping to the end of my story, I thought it was appropriate to riff on now. Christmas 2010. I always say that I'm grateful when I DEMANDED that God give me what I deserved he didn't take me up on it, and that I am grateful for what he has given me, and more importantly what he hasn't. The comments I have received thus far from followers of the blog have been encouraging but have also opened up some old wounds and new ones for me and others.

As I stumble through this entry my three dogs are lying at my feet. I have heat, food, clothes and my health. I have a hot cup of coffee and I am at peace with those in my life. Most importantly I am sober, have found a faith in a God that I can lean on and I understand I can't get through life successfully without the help of others. Armed with these simple truths I know the future looks bright and if it gets dark I can get through it if I remember those simple truths.

Tom Dreesen wrote to me when I was getting ready to do this blog something to the effect that "We all have personal demons and we have to get up each day and give 'em hell." Last night David Brenner messaged me "Geronimo was ten years older than you and was still kicking the white man's ass!" I read somewhere that, "A man who conquers a city is great...but a man who conquers himself is greater."

I have spent so much of my life looking at what was wrong with my life and the world around me. When I colored a picture as a kid I focused on where I went outside the lines, not at the beauty of my creation. When I walked through the city I saw the alleys and filth, the dark shadows and pain, not the magnificence of the man made jungle. I spent each day with one foot on yesterday and one foot on tomorrow and missed out on a lot of amazing todays.

When my father died in July I was relieved that he was freed from his pain. I was thankful that I was sober for the last two years of his life and was there to shower and shave him. I was given the chance to make up for the years of anguish and hurt I put him through and I showed up like an adult. He was my buddy and best friend and I was there for him. I gave freely but got so much more in return from that time with him.

My oldest daughter is flying in from Germany today to spend three weeks with my wife and I. It wasn't too long ago that she would rather gouge her own eyes out than to spend three hours with me. I held onto her so tightly that she ran at the age of 18 because I suffocated her. I am unemployed but have the opportunity to spend more time with her and share with you. I have friends, real friends, who I can lean on and share my pain and happiness with.

I live my life one day at a time, one moment at a time and I suck every second out of them the best that I can. I am conscious of the fact that I throw away more food in a day than half the people in the world eat in a week. I can feel other peoples' pain. The world no longer revolves around me. I am no longer the biggest wave in the ocean. I am just a grain of sand on the beach.

The holidays bring out the best and worst in us. The thought of people getting trampled to death trying to get their hands on the latest gadget or homes being burglarized for their Christmas gifts is mind numbing. I have spent holidays alone or caught up in the commercialism. I have flipped people off while spreading glad tidings and Christmas cheer. I have also seen people do amazing things for each other, sometimes complete strangers.

I have reached a point in my life where my glass is not half empty. It runneth over! I have everything I need and more. Worry, anxiety and obsession are man made emotions. My prayers finally contain more thank you's than pleases. My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told her I wanted nothing because I have everything I need right here. Always remember: Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a GIFT! That's why they call it the PRESENT.

Thanks for being a part of my life.