We're Just Two Lost Souls Swimmin' in a Fish Bowl, Year After Year..Pink Floyd

I have spoken in recent chapters about being emotionally unavailable or incapable of having functional, healthy relationships with people when I was drinking and using. In my experiences an addict doesn't have the capability to connect fully with another human when they are in the midst of active addiction. The disease creates an obsession, so strong, so uncompromising in its demands, that even when we are with our loved ones, we are not "all there." We are thinking about the next drink, hit, high or escape.

I have had an inability to connect with my mother over the years of my addiction, undiagnosed depression issues, or more specifically, before I ever picked up and learned to live with my depression. Take a moment and think about the people in your orbit. There is somebody who you just can't reach. It's someone you love and you feel that your efforts at making them happy are never good enough. There is someone who you desperately want approval from and a deeper relationship with but that just never materializes.

My mother is a fiercely independent woman, who prefers isolation and solitude over "lovey-dovey" chats. Deep heart felt conversations are rare, if ever, and I accept that. She was never the PTA, go to the game, "rah-rah" type of mom. She had work and her own issues to work through. My grandmother wasn't exactly warm-n-fuzzy. My grandfather, I can tell you very little about, even though I spent a lot of time with him. I know he enjoyed his beer and wasn't much for conversation. I don't know what she has lived through to make her who she is. Nor have I walked a mile in her shoes.

This is not meant as a finger pointing session, but a deep confession of frustration. I don't hold resentments towards her or anyone. Resentments are where we drink the poison and wait for the other guy to die. Any person you hold a resentment towards, probably isn't sitting in front of the fire thinking about you right now. Plain and simply put, I do not let people live in my head rent free. She is who she is. That is a simple statement of truth. That doesn't make it any easier but I am amazed that at age 45 I am still waiting for a magical day that just isn't going to come.

For years I blamed my drinking and addiction on my folks and found myself dialing them up drunk and telling them what complete failures they were as parents. That worked for a long time until the day my mother responded to my berating with a cool reply of "Maybe you're not the son I wanted to have either." That really hit me between the eyes and ended my drunken calls. It was a true statement. I couldn't argue with her. Addicts drink "AT" people. When I quit using it was pointed out to me that I hadn't lived with her in 20 years and continued to use. My excuse was rendered ridiculous. She also never poured it down my throat. I am responsible for my addiction. There was always someone to blame for my woes. I was the one who got me high.

My mom and I are a lot alike. We are sensitive, deep, dark and brooding. I know that plays into the difficulties over our connection. We are like rams butting heads, not in a fight for territory, but because that's the way we are. We go through some good patches and then go on the skids. It's a pattern we have repeated for years. I chuckle to myself, in an unhappy way, that I am a grown man and am still craving love from my mommy, like a 5 year old child.

It has gotten to the point that phone calls are excruciating. I don't know what to say after we have covered her health, her dog and the weather. After that it is like I am forcing conversation that is awkward and difficult. I know one thing for sure. After the phone call is over, I am left feeling sad. There is a hint of bitterness in her goodbyes. My mother can let me know what a disappointment I am just by the tone of her voice. When we see each other it is pleasant, but I always sense that I have treated her inadequately or am on her icky list and don't know why. She always seems to look at me like all I do is let her down. I certainly know I did horrible things as a drunk but this vibe has been there since I fully comprehended that she was my mother.

In the 5 years I have done comedy she has never seen me perform. Her response to my acting and film work is "Do I have to call you Mr. Hollywood now?" She hates FOX so won't see me on "The Chicago Code" and has never heard of "Shameless" or Showtime. I am auditioning for a full feature film thriller. She has already said she won't see it because "she doesn't like films like that." I know I sound bitter. I think this chapter is more for me than you but I know some of you have to share these same frustrations.

I am not some diva or movie star who wants her to "ooh and ah" over my profession. I am pleased with my work and have great passion for it. I just want to be recognized as making her happy or proud or at least not a gaping wound in her life that will never heal. That is what I have wanted my whole life no matter what profession I was in. But why? I know I haven't been the greatest son in the world, but it seems like when I get two steps ahead in our relationship, something happens, and I slip back three.

I know the key is acceptance. I do accept her for who she is but that doesn't make it any easier. When I feel bad or insignificant, the self assuring thought of "oh, well that's just the way Mom is" doesn't cut it. Actually if she suddenly changed and became interested in my life and engaged fully in it, I would probably be even more uncomfortable at this point in my life. I would think she went soft.

In my sobriety, I am really starting to see that we are all messed up somehow, someway. I avoided "feelings" for years through self-medication and drowning in my own depression. We are all just trying to get through this life as happily as possible. I love my mom with all my heart. She is who she is. That is the fact. I am the goof who dreams of a chicken suddenly turning into a peacock. I am sure there are people in my life who feel these same things about me.

I will continue to make the awkward phone calls and choose my words carefully when we speak. My wife, family and friends give me great support and I am grateful for that. I can pray for her to change but the outcomes are out of my control. I will take our relationship like all of life, one day at a time. I will keep the faith, and do what I gotta do.

Thanks for the session. I will leave a check on the credenza and I will schedule another appointment with the lady in reception. Be safe. Do your best. God Bless you all.

Christmas Rules For 2010 A MUST READ!

Today, I got up before the sun, as usual. Another Christmas is here. I had some time before everyone got up to think of Christmases past and the optimism I have on Christmases to come. There is not a pile of gifts under our freshly cut tree. The decorations are minimal and the perennial playing of Frank Sinatra and Deano holiday songs is not playing.

In the front window sits a fiber optic tree just 3 feet tall. It is my Charlie Brown Christmas tree. There are a few assorted family gifts and holiday clutter in the dining room. There are no lights circling my house as in years gone by. When the kids got up there was no rapid shuffling in slippered feet as each of them jockeyed for first place in the gift grabbing derby. The paper wasn't strewn about like a Hallmark Tsunami hit our family room. There was no happy faces at receiving the perfect gift or familiar frowns as a box with socks or underwear was opened.

My wife got up and her back hurt. My daughter got up and jumped in the shower. My son grabbed a cup of coffee and retreated to his room to rid the world of Nazi Zombies. My, how times have changed. How fast the times goes. There was hugs and kind words of love and it was a relaxing, contented feeling as my tiny children have grown. But there is some melancholy reflection on how I miss those days.

Later we will be visiting Kris' side of the family for Christmas dinner and gifts. Her family is colorful and very Italian. I remember times when certain family members would irritate me to the point of obsession, thus robbing me of a lovely day. Some couples have broken up or moved away to start broods of their own in different towns and distant places.

My wish to you today is enjoy TODAY! There will come a day when the adrenalin charged shrieks of your kids will be replaced with their new plans and new friends. Traditions long held will be altered as multiple family visits demand careful time management and logistical planning. There are times when our kids talk or chatter so much we wish they would shut up. The day is coming when you will crave that chatter and have to pry a decent conversation out of them.

WARNING! One of your family members will make you crazy today. One will drink too much. Another will gossip or say nothing. A story that you wish was long forgotten will be thrown in your face and new stories will be created. Don't let it get to you! Nobody should have that much power over us anymore.

Family is our family. Our kids will soon be grown and gone. New traditions will replace the old and some members will disappear from death, divorce or whatever. Enjoy every minute today! Suck the life out of your kid's antics. Accept the crazy things Uncle Joe does as cute. Forget what happened to you when you were 9. Live this Christmas like it is your last.

This is my first Christmas without my dad. Our family was able to bring him home last year and it was difficult to see him declining. We all somehow knew that it would be our last together as one. I miss him today and everyday.

As you go about the frenetic pace this day brings, be thankful for what is right in your world. Put pain aside and breathe gratitude and thanks for what you have been given. Be more thankful for what you haven't been given. We only have today. So does everyone who populates our hearts and minds. Just for today live your life as love, happiness and gratitude.