Why Do I Default to Stereotyping Things I Do Not Understand?

I was recently offered a leading role in an urban film being shot in Chicago by a bright, young film maker that I had to turn down to a scheduling conflict. The script was well written. The production team was well organized. The casting was carefully selected. The marketing and distribution was well thought out and I'm sure the project is going to be a success. I am honored that they chose me for the role and disappointed that I could not take the part.

The cast and crew was 95% African American. I was to play a single parent father who has inappropriate relations with his daughter. He is a dark, flawed character. I am not defending him or the actions he takes in the film but the few lines I just state are an oversimplification of the character, film and project as a whole. When I was presented with the opportunity to audition for the part my first reaction was "NO WAY!" My personal attraction to trying things "outside the box" and a great conversation with the director led me to audition.

The first audition, on film, was an ad-libed "personality" audition. I stepped in front of the camera and proceeded to act like a stereotypical urban white street thug. I "assumed" that was what a black urban film called for. I got a "call back" with a script and did my next audition which was of me talking to a telemarketer after a long day at work. This time I talked like a blue collar, foul mouthed, white trash idiot. Shame on me on several levels. I was offered the part because of my "acting" in the role and my anger in the scene, not my portrayal of the character. After I had to turn the project down I thought about the whole experience and came away very disappointed in myself.

I am not a racist. White people have screwed me over more than all the other ethnic categories put together. I can say that when I am leaving a Sox game at 35th and the Dan Ryan after a night game and I am at a traffic light where a group of black teens are gathered, I lock my doors. I also do the same thing at night in Plainfield when a group of teenage white kids are by my car at a light. My fear sees no color, only fear. Where I am disappointed in myself is that I made some predetermined assumptions about the urban project that I turned down.

First of all I was only one of about 5 actors who were not black in the production. It made me uncomfortable. Why? The money was just as green no matter what color the hand was that was giving it to me. Second, I used urban slang and gestures in my "personality" audition. Why? That is not my personality! I let the word "urban film" take me to "New Jack City" and "Boyz in the Hood" (both amazing films) to predetermine my approach when the director did not tell me to act that way.

Lastly, when I had my callback and had my scripted conversation with the telemarketer why did I play it like I was a "blue collar worker?" Doctors, teachers, scientists, cops, computer geeks and professionals live in "urban environments!" I defaulted to the steel mill worker or the tire shop guy. Shame on me! I place labels on things I don't fully understand to make them easier to cope with instead of asking questions or researching the other side of the story. I jump to conclusions.

What a horrible habit! I let media, TV, movies, music, magazines and the Internet shape my opinions instead of learning for myself in some cases. This is a very unhealthy way to see the world. It's the easy way out and the fast track to stereotyping. I know better. This doesn't go to just people of a color, it goes to how people live, where they live, what they wear, how they talk, what God they worship, what food they eat, what books they read and so much more. When I look at the outside of anything and predetermine the quality or morality of what's inside prior to investigation, I have failed my morals, my God and myself.

Saying I Look Angry......Really Makes Me Mad!

I would like to welcome Hungary to the family as well as multiple check-ins from China. I have yet to reach Australia and Antarctica. Sorry about the re-posts lately. My blogge would not link to Facebook. Of course I am always thinking it's Big Brother out to censor. It's more likely the conspiracy theorist that I am. My theories on conspiracies are best left to Jessie Ventura. I wonder what the world would be like if we knew all the facts about the world we live in. I do know anarchy!

The blogs I have pasted have been on the down side lately. It's a part of living with depression and recovery. A lot of it has to do with my daughter, economy, politics, no jobs and all the other things dragging everyone down lately. I am feeling much better now that the sun is out. I know spring brings 
movie and TV filming in Chicago. I will be better prepared for next winter. Boredom is excruciating to me. Being a Type A personality, I like things fast and furious. When they are on cruise I just can't sit still.

The theatre gig I landed in "My Two Husbands" as Grant Griswold has been a positive experience. I play a smarmy flim-flam man and the cast doesn't seem to like me. When I asked the director why I was getting a chilly reception he quipped 'that I do play the role rather convincingly.' It is a strange paradox that my roles are all shady, dark or brooding. I got offered the roll of "Dad" in the upcoming film "Sidetracked" but as of now I have to turn it down because I have committed to a film in Indiana during August. "Sidetracked" has a 4 month shoot schedule. I have reached out to the director and producer to see if we can work something out to get my scenes done before August. I would be playing a controlling, abusive dad. For the film being shot in August I play an angry, vengeful, macabre character. In the Firestone commercial I played the "Angry Guy".

Do you see a trend here? In the play I am cast as "The guy you love to hate". It is a comedy and I play the part over the top. It's bizarre to me that I am a comic by trade and am cast as unsavory or unreedeeming characters. Anyone who knows me says I always look 'pissed off.' Maybe that is why. Jay, my director friend, says lots of guys have had a helluva career being a bad guy. I am grateful for any role that helps support my family and further my career.

Being the obsessive over-thinking addict and depression sufferer that I am, I try to analyze it. After a great deal of thinking over several cups of Dunkin Donuts coffee I think I have an answer. Those dark figures are a part of my past. When I was homeless I was living like an animal at night and working    9-5 during the day. My depression allows me to see deeper into the shallowness of the character, (insert laugh here).  There are a lot of different method acting devices and character acting tricks that can be employed. I need real life experience and pain or joy to come off as convincing in a part.

I led a dark life ridden with pain, isolation, darkness and selfishness for 20 years. Those characters live in me. I have just arrested them and don't give them access to my outer self unless it's on a stage or set. I am thankful to have the comedy to offset the dark side that keeps finding me in film and commercials. I am realistic that I don't have the looks to play a leading man in a romantic comedy. Maybe in the Phantom of the Opera but I can't sing and can't stand masks! Maybe my ultimate acting role will be as a Disney character at the theme park. On the outside I could be funny, fuzzy and warm and kick the little brats in the shins when they don't listen to their parents!

For those of you who are stereotyped, I feel ya. The important thing is that you don't have to buy into what people think about you. Who you are is between you and God. I hate the stigma that comes with depression and the disdain for the recovering addict. But I don't let those things hold me down. Ignorance is bliss! We all have our issues and people pick on the inhabitants of the "Island of Misfit Toys". It is easier to judge others than to take a hard look at ourselves. I know I did it through addiction. Being human, I still judge others. I try to work on it though. I am not a "drunk"! I AM a recovering alcoholic! I am not a "Dope Fiend"! I AM a recovering addict! I am not "crazy"! I have clinical depression.

Remember "Rudolph"? All the toys from the misfit island find homes. Be yourself. Accept who you are. Change what you can. Know the difference between the two. I am not an angry guy. I am a confident, often cocky, nice guy. I have lots to work on within myself. The work is never done. I can be anyone I want to. You can too! When I used to demand that God should give me what I deserve, I am grateful He didn't take me up on it. I am grateful that I get work as an angry guy and can be fun to work with. All I want at this point in my life is to add something positive to this dark world whenever I have the chance. Sometimes I buy into the chaos. Sometimes I ignore my chance. Sometimes I do just the right thing. I'm okay with being a "Charlie in the box."