The Last Words of an Atheist are, "I Was Only Kidding!"

The Last Words of an Atheist are, "I Was Only Kidding!" (unedited original 12/2010)

Soul Parole: Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself -Preview (AMAZON/Soulparole.com

March 17,2012)

In one of my stand-up bits, I say that an atheists' last words are, "I was only kidding..." In another I say “I've tried Methodism, Catholicism, Judaism, and Buddhism, but found the answers to all of life's mysteries in alcoholism.” GOD, The Creator, The Great Spirit, The Man, whatever you want to call him/her or it, used to scare me to death.

In the winter of 1998, I was living with a prostitute in a crack hotel in Stone Park, Illinois, a hustling blue collar suburb west of Chicago. We didn't have a relationship or sex. It was economics! I wouldn't have sex with a crack head prostitute! She was below me! I was a homeless drunken alcoholic with a legitimate job, making less money than she did, but I had morals and boundaries! It was so much easier to point out what a loser she was, than to take a hard look at myself. I spent considerable time with these so-called "lower companions." When I was full of booze, and whatever else I could find, I would counsel them about their problems and shortcomings.

I would live in my car for a week, spend a few days in a sleazy motel to clean up and drink up, then return to the car. It had no heat, but I needed to save money to drink. When I had a room, I spent my nights encased in sheets like a mummy. When the lights went out cockroaches scampered all over my face and body. I could feel them probing for a way into my mouth and nose. No openings, no problem. I had a job for cry sake! I wasn't a whore or dealer! I was educated. I had a Bachelors of Arts degree from Columbia College in Chicago! I was simply a man down on his luck. 

Just before Christmas that year, my roommate got arrested and thrown into County at Twenty-Sixth and California. I would get calls from Cook County Jail every day. The guard would call asking me to "come bail out my girlfriend." Girlfriend! She was a prostitute and crackhead! I would never date a girl like that! We never had sex. She could hardly be called a girlfriend! Besides, I needed my money for booze, not for bailing “friends”out of jail.

I spent that Christmas alone in my room with my roaches. It is the only Christmas I spent alone. I wasn't completely without companionship, because I invited my friend Jim Beam over. On holidays, all earthlings are issued a license to drink. I just had twice as much as usual. Every day was a holiday for me. There were no calls from family or friends. I had no friends, and my family was done watching me die an inch at a time. I disregarded my lying, stealing, manipulating, and broken promises as possible factors. I didn't look at myself as being a pathetic drunk. I figured I was just misunderstood or maybe a tortured genius.

I talked to GOD that day. He really freaked me out. Ultimately, I thought he just didn't have time for a guy like me. I was going to hell, and I figured I would just enjoy the ride. GOD, to me, was pissed off! My visual was that of Charlton Heston as Moses. He had lightning bolts in one pocket and plagues in the other. He was not to be trifled with by my little problems. He had bigger things to do, like light the earth, cause famines, let little kids die. On bad days, I thought He was out to get me, little ole' me! He’d push the cosmos to the side and say to himself, "Hmm..I think I'll mess with the Connolly kid today.” Out of all the billions of people in the world, I was sure He was a cosmic bully singling me out. I spent a lot of time running from him or chasing after him.

Yes, I believed there was a GOD and life on other planets. How can we be the only intelligent life in a universe we can't even measure? Flowers are beautiful; the ocean is awesome and vast, but the idea they happened through coincidence after coincidence was, and is, impossible for me to grasp. When I talked to Him, it was as if I was on Santa's lap: “Please let me win the lotto.” “Please don't let me get a DUI.” “Please let beer be on sale, and the candy man be extra giving today.” GOD was an order taker, bail bondsman and Vegas Showman! I told him what I was going to do and asked him to answer my prayers through tricks. “If you want me to stop drinking, make The Beatles’, Nowhere Man come on the radio.” “If you think I should quit my job, make this light turn green."

Ultimately, I thought GOD only gave me crap. Looking back at the accidents that did and DIDN'T happen, the trouble I got into or OUT of, and the pain He put me through then DELIVERED me from, I now understand HE WAS THERE ALL THE TIME. When I'm sharing at recovery meetings I start out by saying I'm grateful for what GOD has given me and more importantly WHAT HE HASN'T. Then I thank him for ignoring me when I used to shake my fist at the heavens and shout, "GIVE ME WHAT I DESERVE!"....