Easy to Remember, Hard to Forget....

In life, everyone has done or said things they would like to forget and can't. There are memories we try to wish and pray away. There are always a few in some dark corner of our minds just waiting for us to wrap our heads around them, and drag them back into the light. Sometimes they are dragged out for us.

Alcohol, and/or anger makes people say, and do things they wouldn't normally even consider when calm or sober. There's the cutting remarks, pushing of hot buttons, dredged up family secrets and reminders of poor past decisions. We want them erased permanently from our memory drive. There is inevitably something we have done or said while drunk, or riled up, that we wish we could take back. This is not exclusive to people like me. Everyone has an incident or remark they remember, or don't, that haunts them or embarrasses them to some degree.

For an alcoholic this haunting presents itself through remorse, shame and self-loathing that eventually becomes overwhelming. It is simple math. Too many drinks, plus several years of too many drinks, equals loss of control, rage, verbal warfare and multiple bad decisions. This beast of burden becomes so daunting that it creates a cycle of more drinking and bad decisions. The equation is more drinks to forget, more for created mistakes, more drinks, ad infinitum.

For the occasional partier or abstainer, there are probably a few silly, or sometimes serious, incidents that happened on a vacation, or at a company party that are uncomfortable when relived. Some of them were serious enough to create a permanent scar on the parties involved. The normal person moves on, or works through it.

Before I ever picked up a drink, things happened to me that I couldn't process as a little boy. The incidents were confusing, and happened at the hands of a person I trusted. The mixed messages created conflicting emotions, and later would fuel my isolation and anger. It twisted my sense of trust and robbed me of my innocence. This "loved" one is no longer here. I have never shared the pain with my family. I know that nothing positive will result from dredging up the ghost of painful past.

That person is not here to respond, and other lives would be damaged by the news. It is my choice to hold it inside. There is no redemption that would result from my soul cleansing. It can not be changed, no matter how badly I want it to. No human can change history. I have forgiven this person. Not for his actions, but for his human weakness, and my own sanity. God has given me so many chances. To hold hatred inside would rot away at me like acid, while he is dead. He has stood before his maker and accounted for his stop here. His fate is up to powers I can't even perceive.

One of the most difficult parts of my recovery  has been facing the past, and those whom I have hurt along the way. By cleaning up the messes I have created, I am relieved of some of the baggage I was burdened with daily, monthly and yearly. We drink to forget. We drink to escape. We try to temporarily erase the massive discomfort we have created through the fog of a hangover.

Remember the Grinch cartoon where the little dog with the stick on his head is pulling that massive sled stacked four stories high with the Grinch's stolen Christmas booty? At one point they slide down a hill to a cliff, the overstuffed sleigh is teetering on the edge of disaster. The cute little dog is hanging over the edge of the cliff looking up at the huge bags that are sure to destroy him if it falls. That is what a drunk in recovery is trying to fix. Active drinkers keep adding to the burden. We try to remove the baggage, a little bit at a time, so that it doesn't destroy us. As we lighten the burden, the urge to escape is replaced by satisfaction in making things right, or at least taking responsibility for our past mistakes.

Setting the record straight with those we have wronged is greeted with acceptance and forgiveness, angry rejection or indifference by the attempted confession. The outcomes, once again, are out of our control but the issue being faced takes one more package off the sleigh of guilt. There are those we can't reach, those who are dead that make taking the responsibility for past wrongs impossible. We do the best we can with who we can, and leave the rest up to GOD'S timing.

The majority of people we have crossed are wives, husbands, loved ones and friends who are still in our orbit. The reparations offered to these people are lifetime repairs. By leading decent, sober well intentioned lives, we show others that we are "new creatures." Our actions, without expecting anything in return, is a lifetime commitment to sobriety, and our sanity. The ultimate goal is taking ownership of our errors and living peaceably with those offended in our darker days.

The selfish, uncaring drunk I was for 20 years, is still inside of me, and a part of my permanent record. It can not be expunged. There are times when people perceive that I have done them wrong. I am accused of things I did not do. The false accusations are understood but create anger and resentment towards our accuser. If a dog has stolen your socks time after time, when one goes missing, the doghouse is the first place you check. Lashing out creates more trouble. An honest appraisal of my past gives me understanding as to why they think I am the perpetrator. I was a sock stealing dog for years. I just don't steal them anymore.

Forgiveness is the key to contented life, whether drunk or sober. Anger and resentment are deadly for an addict. If dwelled upon for too long, these feelings will eventually lead us back to escape through the bottle or insanity. Forgiving myself has been the hardest reparation I have faced. The self-loathing, self-hate, fear, remorse, regret and shame can be relentless as my mind gets clearer in my sobriety. Forgiveness of self is vital, or I will end up drunk and crazy again.

I know GOD has forgiven me for my sins and human failings. By failing to forgive myself and others, I am questioning GOD'S omnipotence. I have been pardoned for my past mistakes by the ultimate expert on forgiveness. If I question my worthiness for forgiveness, I am doubting his authority and grace. It will take time, but with help, I will make it to the other side. I spent 28 years drinking. It may take 50 years before I am forgiven by others, and myself. As long as I am open-minded, and keep GOD centered in my efforts, everything will work out fine. More specifically, they will work out exactly as God has planned.

Forgive yourself and others for shortcomings and their humanity. God has forgiven us if we have sincerely asked for his mercy. Life is too short to live in the past. Remember that every day is a gift, and the days we live with hate and anger, whether inward or outward, robs us of enjoying the "present" of today. If I don't share the grace and blessings that have been freely given to me, I just might lose them all....

What a Mutha!

Happy Mother's Day! I hope you all take the time to say that today to your Ma. If they are in heaven, don't worry, they just moved from their condo into your heart. If your adopted send well wishes into the cosmos.

Most, if not all of us have had issues with our Mother at some time in our lives. Some of them are real, deep seated wounds. Yet others are because we wanted things our way and had a strong woman in our world to say "NO!"

If you haven't talked to your mother in a while, today is the perfect time to do it. You may say, "after what she did, and said to me...forget it!" Family conflict is real and sometimes brutal. That's called life. Mom's are human, just like us. Why is it that we think that our folks should allow us to make mistakes, but we think they should be the ones accountable for theirs?

Without your mother you wouldn't even be thinking about their faults! Why? It's simple. YOU WOULD NOT BE....Mother's gave us life. They carried around a watermelon in their belly for nine months! Would you do the same for her?! I hope the answer is yes. They fed you when you were helpless. They clothed you and did the best mothering they could do. It may not be the way you want the picture painted. Maybe your not the way Ma wanted you to be. What's the difference?

I hope two things happen on this Mother's Day. The first is that you tell your ma you love her. The second is that you tell her "THANK YOU," for giving me life. WE don't have much time here. Eating a meal of crow is a lot easier than guilt gnawing at you for what you didn't say or do. You don't have to be right, even if you are. That's not the point. Without mothers you would be...NOWHERE! Thank GOD for their sacrifices!

Apologizing isn't admitting your wrong. It's recognizing the fact that your relationship is more important than your pride....God bless you and your Mother....To my Mom, second Mom and wife,,,thanks for being a Mutha!

Me, My Dad and Michelangelo...

Between approximately 1508 and 1512 Michelangelo created one of the world's most magnificent, awe inspiring works of art in his painting of the Sistine Chapel ceiling. Much to the chagrin of Pope Julius
II, the artist worked tirelessly, on his back, candle in mouth to create a complete telling of the Bible from "The Creation of Adam" to the death and resurrection of Christ. "The Creation of Adam" or more specifically, the two hands reaching towards each other, is one of my favorite art pieces of all time. We have it hanging in our home. I never tire of the work, staring at it as I sip my coffee. I am always drawn to some new wrinkle or detail that the artist painstakingly included to complete his vision. It says so much in just that tiny corner of the massive cathedral mural. I am absolutely convinced the work was that of divine intervention or vision.

Tomorrow is Father's Day. It will be the first one I experience without my dad, affectionately known as the Big Bopper or Pops. He's with the Bears and Papa Bear at ethereal training camp. Knowing my dad I am quite sure that he has offered his services to the Creator to help out in showing the new camp arrivals around and introducing them to his friends. He loved doing that here. Why would he stop in paradise?

I can say that it is strange and painful not knowing he is "here." I am grateful he is "there" and free of the pain and anxiety that wore at his mind and body at the end of his journey on Earth. That being said, there were some Father's Days when he was here and I wasn't all there. Thus I didn't share those moments with him. Addiction doesn't care about holidays. They are licenses to use as far as I was concerned. If I wasn't on good terms with my Pop it was a reason to feel shame and get extra lit to bury that uncomfortable emotion.

As a father myself, this Father's Day is bittersweet. Last night 3 of my 4 kids slept at home. Hemi is in from Germany. Amanda is doing better and slept on our couch. Bro is always here. The 4 have not been assembled together in months. Tomorrow 2 of the 3 will go to their biological father's house for the "Big Day", as it should be. I will spend the day with my wife and Hemi going to Montana Charlie's flea market. I collect antique book and CD's out of print. I love the smell of an old book like burning leaves or freshly popped movie popcorn. Finding a rare blues CD or out of print album from my youth is like finding a lost treasure. Then I will come home and sacrifice some poor creature on the grill for all of our culinary pleasure and fall asleep to a White Sox game. I look very much forward to both or all three.

I do not know where my youngest daughter Kelly is. I know she is safe and I know her Mother treats her well. It troubles me that I have purposely had the same phone number since she was 3, yet she still doesn't call. I pray for her to, but if she does is beyond my control. I have accepted that. As I am older and my sobriety deepens I can see how the Big Bopper must have felt on those days when I lived on the street not knowing if I would call, if I was hungry, alive or worse.

I have been lucky to be with her on 2 of her last 3 birthdays. She knows her daddy has never used in front
of her. She has never seen me drunk. Unfortunately she is hearing one side of the story right now about her mother and me. My time will come. I will be sober and she can draw her own conclusions.

I don't think God is an evil god but I do think He teaches me through things I've done. He usually uses my mistakes more than my successes. Kelly will call in her time. I will work that out with God and Kelly at the time or if it never happens at all I will deal with it also. This is life.

The photo you see posted at the top of this chapter was taken a few days before my dad passed. I took it with my camera phone. I did not do it to be morbid or saddened. My dad was an "Old School" tough guy for the most part, until the end. Towards the end of his life he would ask that I hold his hand. I did so eagerly, making up for years missed and opportunities wasted. I snapped this shot as he slipped off to sleep and I was leaving. I was unaware that he was so close to eternity. I was elated at its modern parallel to my favorite Michelangelo work, "The Creation of Adam."

I do not know how your relationship with your Pop, Daddy, Father, Pa or whatever name you call him is. As Father's Day is only 24 hours away you have some options. You may see him. When you do, kiss him and tell him you love him. You may honor his memory. Think of a wonderful time when you both laughed and he made you feel special, like the most precious gift in the world. You may be on difficult terms with him. Call him and just say Happy Father's Day. It may be the first step to a new relationship. You may not know who he is or where he is at. In that case forgive him and pray for him and thank him for giving you life to become the special person you are to your family, children and friends.

Pops, I love you.

.

In life everyone has done or said things they would like to forget and can't. There are memories we try to wish and pray away. There are always a few in some dark corner of our minds just waiting for us to wrap our heads around them and drag them back into the light. Sometimes others bring it back into that light for us.

Alcohol, and/or anger makes people say, and do things they wouldn't normally even consider when calm or sober. There's the cutting remarks, pushing of hot buttons, dredged up family secrets and reminders of poor past decisions that we want permanently erased from our memory drive. There is inevitably something we have done or said while drunk, or riled up, that we wish we could take back. This is not exclusive to people like me. Everyone has an incident or remark they remember, or don't, that haunts them or embarrasses them to some degree.

For an alcoholic this haunting presents itself through remorse, shame and self-loathing that eventually it becomes overwhelming. It is simple math. Too many drinks + several years of too many drinks = loss of control, rage, verbal warfare and multiple bad decisions. This beast of burden becomes so daunting that it creates a cycle of more drinking and poor decisions. The equation is more drinks to forget, more for poor decisions made,more and more drinks, ad infinitum.

For the occasional partier or abstainer, there are probably a few of these silly, or sometimes serious, incidents that happened on a vacation or at a company party that are uncomfortable when relived. Some of them were serious enough to create a permanent scar on one, or more of the parties involved. The normal person moves on or works through it. Few seem to let it slip away into lost moments of days gone by.

Before I ever picked up a drink some things happened to me that I couldn't process as a little boy. The incidents were confusing and happened at the hands of a person I was told to trust. The mixed messages created confusing feelings, and later would fuel my isolation and anger. It twisted my sense of trust and robbed me of my innocence. This "loved" one is no longer here. I have never shared the pain with my family because I feel nothing good can come out of dredging up a ghost of painful past.

That person is not here to respond and other lives would be damaged at the news. It is my choice to hold it back because there is no redeeming or positive outcome that would result from my soul cleansing confession. It can not be changed, no matter how badly we want it to. No human can change history. I have forgiven this person. Not for his actions but for his humanity. God has given me so many chances. To hold hatred inside would rot me away slowly, while he is dead. He has stood before his maker and accounted for his stop here. His fate is up to powers I can't even perceive.

One of the most difficult, but vital parts of my recovery is facing the past, and those whom I have hurt along the way. By cleaning up the messes I have created I am relieved of some of the baggage I was burdened with daily. We drink to forget. We drink to escape. We drink to try to temporarily erase the massive pain we have created through the fog of a hangover.

Remember the Grinch cartoon where the little dog with the stick on his head is pulling that massive sled stacked four stories high with the Grinch's stolen Christmas booty? At one point they slide down a hill to a cliff, the overstuffed sleigh is teetering on the edge of disaster. The cute little dog is hanging over the edge of the cliff looking up at the huge bags that are sure to destroy him if it falls. That is what a drunk in recovery is trying to fix. Active drinkers keep adding to the burden. We try to remove the baggage, a little bit at a time, so that it doesn't destroy us. As we lighten the burden, the urge to escape is replaced by satisfaction in making things right, or at least taking responsibility for our past mistakes.

Setting the record straight with those we have wronged is greeted with acceptance and forgiveness, angry rejection or indifference by the attempted confession. The outcomes, once again, are out of our control but the issue being faced takes one more package off the sleigh of guilt to the man in recovery. There are those we can't reach, or those who are dead who make taking of responsibility for past wrongs impossible. We do the best we can with who we can, and leave the rest up to God's timing.

In the majority of reparations the people we have wronged are wives, husbands, loved ones and friends who are still in our orbit. The reparations offered to these people are "living" reparations. By leading decent, sober well intentioned lives, we show others that we are new creatures. Our actions and giving without expecting anything in return is a lifetime commitment to sobriety, and our sanity. The ultimate goal is taking ownership of our errors and living peaceably with those offended by our past wrongs.

The selfish, uncaring drunk I was for 20 years, is still inside of me, part of my permanent record. It can not be changed. There are times when people perceive that I have done them wrong. I am accused of things I did not do. The accusations are understood but create anger and resentment towards our accuser. If a dog has stolen your socks time after time, when one goes missing, the doghouse is the first place you check, based on his past. Lashing out creates more trouble. An honest appraisal of my past gives me understanding as to why they think I am the perpetrator. I was a sock stealing dog for years. I just don't steal them anymore.

Forgiveness is the key to contented life, whether drunk or sober. Anger and resentment are deadly for an addict. If dwelled upon for too long, these feelings will eventually lead us back to escape through the bottle or addiction. Forgiving myself has been the hardest reparation I have faced in recovery. The self-loathing, self-hate, fear, remorse, regret and shame can be relentless as my mind gets clearer in my sobriety. Forgiving myself is vital, or I will end up drunk or crazy.

I know GOD has forgiven me for my sins and human failings. Knowing he has forgiven me, by failing to forgive myself and others, I am questioning GOD's omnipotence. I have been pardoned for my past mistakes by the ultimate expert on forgiveness. If I question my worthiness for forgiveness, I am doubting his authority and grace. It will take time, but with help, I will make it through to the other side. I spent 28 years drinking. It may take 50 years before I am forgiven by others and myself. As long as I am open-minded, and keep GOD centered in my efforts, everything will work out fine. More specifically they will work out exactly as God has planned.

Forgive yourself and others for shortcomings and human weakness. God has forgiven us if we have sincerely asked for his mercy. Life is too short to live in the past. Remember that every day is a gift, and the days we live with hate and anger, whether inward or outward, robs us of enjoying the "present" of today. If I don't share the grace and blessings that have been freely given to me, I just might lose them all....