Everyone has fears. I know I do. Some of them are healthy. Yet others have been paralyzing.
I look strikingly like my paternal grandfather. He died of a massive heart attack when he was 39. He is buried in Toronto, Canada. My family immigrated from Ireland to Canada. Then they made their way to Chicago. My father was only fifteen when he passed. He has a picture of his tombstone. It reads Thomas Connolly. I also have a copy. It is sobering to see your name spelled out on a tombstone.
I wish it had continued to have a sobering effect on me. It did the opposite. His death at such an early age contributed to my justifications to drink. I figured I was going to croak by forty, so I might as well live fast and leave an average looking corpse. Through 28 years of addiction I was obsessed with a perception that I was going to die prematurely. It was going to hurt real bad too.
My stepfather died shortly after his 41st birthday. That was the deal closer. It set me off on my path of self destruction. It also ingrained in me the notion that GOD was smiting everyone down in anger. He was a vengeful guy as far as I could see. I ran from him and chased after him for years. I couldn't understand why he had it out for me.
From the time I was five until the age of eighteen, I was a member of no less than 6 different churches. Methodist, Lutheran, Baptist, The United Church of Christ and the Catholic church were just a couple of stops on my spiritual journey. Every where I went I heard stories of love and acceptance. I saw only pain and loss. I believed in the fella because I was in complete terror of what he was going to do to me. It was just a matter of time.
When my great grandmother died I was horrified at seeing her lifeless sweet soul lying in a box. As more of my elders passed I found myself thinking about death more and more. I believed with absolute certainty that GOD took the good and left the bad to wreak havoc on the planet.
Of course, like most folks, what I feared most was the way I was going to die, and the thought of how bad it was going to hurt. For me fire is the most horrific way to go followed by drowning. I conjured up scenarios and mental pictures of my crispy or bloated body sprawled out for all the world to see.
Right before I got sober I was having multiple panic attacks. If you have never experienced one I hope you never have to. They are devastating. Your mind convinces you your going to die at any moment. Your body follows suit with sweats, racing heartbeat and a myriad of other symptoms that compound your certainty it's curtains. It was consuming me..
By now I was 45. I had passed gramps and the stepfather. I was on borrowed time. As each birthday came I was certain I was going to kick the bucket and fall face first into my cake. 3 of my attacks put me in the emergency room. All of the visits led to the same prognosis. It was all in my head.
I am grateful to say that I no longer fear my lifelong obsession. I am comfortable with the fact that we all get our ticket punched at some time. It is out of my control. I can do things on my end to help promote a longer life, but ultimately it is in HIS hands. I hope to live many years and end up on a scooter with a miracle ear and those space clamps that grab my cereal off the shelf.
The key to conquering this fear was building a new relationship with my creator based on a one-on-one basis. It also stems from the fact that I try to live in the moment. I never try to leave a friend or family members' company on a bad note. My fear has moved to a healthy desire to get the most out of the rest of time I am here. I am sure I'm going to heaven based on my beliefs. My life is so much more fulfilling living in the goodness and opportunity a positive outlook creates. Fear only creates darkness and immobility.
Whatever your fear may be I hope you can take a good look at it. If it's death there is no point in obsessing about it. We all know it's coming. Why waste a day stuck on death? It prevents us from living. It's comparable to worrying if the sun is going to rise tomorrow. It is wasted energy. I would say that the key to removing those fears is based on a connection to YOUR GOD, the ability to love, an appreciation for the beauty of this world and a desire to make peace with yours. I wish you well.
I look strikingly like my paternal grandfather. He died of a massive heart attack when he was 39. He is buried in Toronto, Canada. My family immigrated from Ireland to Canada. Then they made their way to Chicago. My father was only fifteen when he passed. He has a picture of his tombstone. It reads Thomas Connolly. I also have a copy. It is sobering to see your name spelled out on a tombstone.
I wish it had continued to have a sobering effect on me. It did the opposite. His death at such an early age contributed to my justifications to drink. I figured I was going to croak by forty, so I might as well live fast and leave an average looking corpse. Through 28 years of addiction I was obsessed with a perception that I was going to die prematurely. It was going to hurt real bad too.
My stepfather died shortly after his 41st birthday. That was the deal closer. It set me off on my path of self destruction. It also ingrained in me the notion that GOD was smiting everyone down in anger. He was a vengeful guy as far as I could see. I ran from him and chased after him for years. I couldn't understand why he had it out for me.
From the time I was five until the age of eighteen, I was a member of no less than 6 different churches. Methodist, Lutheran, Baptist, The United Church of Christ and the Catholic church were just a couple of stops on my spiritual journey. Every where I went I heard stories of love and acceptance. I saw only pain and loss. I believed in the fella because I was in complete terror of what he was going to do to me. It was just a matter of time.
When my great grandmother died I was horrified at seeing her lifeless sweet soul lying in a box. As more of my elders passed I found myself thinking about death more and more. I believed with absolute certainty that GOD took the good and left the bad to wreak havoc on the planet.
Of course, like most folks, what I feared most was the way I was going to die, and the thought of how bad it was going to hurt. For me fire is the most horrific way to go followed by drowning. I conjured up scenarios and mental pictures of my crispy or bloated body sprawled out for all the world to see.
Right before I got sober I was having multiple panic attacks. If you have never experienced one I hope you never have to. They are devastating. Your mind convinces you your going to die at any moment. Your body follows suit with sweats, racing heartbeat and a myriad of other symptoms that compound your certainty it's curtains. It was consuming me..
By now I was 45. I had passed gramps and the stepfather. I was on borrowed time. As each birthday came I was certain I was going to kick the bucket and fall face first into my cake. 3 of my attacks put me in the emergency room. All of the visits led to the same prognosis. It was all in my head.
I am grateful to say that I no longer fear my lifelong obsession. I am comfortable with the fact that we all get our ticket punched at some time. It is out of my control. I can do things on my end to help promote a longer life, but ultimately it is in HIS hands. I hope to live many years and end up on a scooter with a miracle ear and those space clamps that grab my cereal off the shelf.
The key to conquering this fear was building a new relationship with my creator based on a one-on-one basis. It also stems from the fact that I try to live in the moment. I never try to leave a friend or family members' company on a bad note. My fear has moved to a healthy desire to get the most out of the rest of time I am here. I am sure I'm going to heaven based on my beliefs. My life is so much more fulfilling living in the goodness and opportunity a positive outlook creates. Fear only creates darkness and immobility.
Whatever your fear may be I hope you can take a good look at it. If it's death there is no point in obsessing about it. We all know it's coming. Why waste a day stuck on death? It prevents us from living. It's comparable to worrying if the sun is going to rise tomorrow. It is wasted energy. I would say that the key to removing those fears is based on a connection to YOUR GOD, the ability to love, an appreciation for the beauty of this world and a desire to make peace with yours. I wish you well.
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