Christian Fishermen... Not Hunters

SOUL PAROLE: Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself is available on Amazon.com and KINDLE. Proceeds benefit Chicago Area addiction, homeless and mental health programs.

I am a Christian. I will never back down from proclaiming that. This posting is not intended to imply that Christianity has all the answers. I don't. No man on Earth does. I read the Bible. I pray often. I serve in the community and I try to help other addicts find sobriety. I am happy to share my faith with those who wish to hear about the amazing things the LORD has done in my life. I do not think I am better than you or any man. The people who make me feel the most inadequate and demoralized about my faith are... CHRISTIANS.

I am a church going man. I serve on the baptism team. I am grateful to share my resources with my house of worship. I don't like war unless it is a means of last resort. I believe in helping the poor and sick. I am an Independent who tends to vote DEMOCRATIC. However, I don't vote a straight ticket. I vote based on what the man stands for, not if he's got an elephant or donkey on his lapel.

I have read the Bible cover to cover. I have my favorite verses. Psalms 40:1,2 are my life verses. I try to spend time daily in the words of GOD. Then I turn on the TV or go out in the world and am often shocked by the behavior of people who call themselves CHRISTIANS. They seem to talk from the mountain down on the foolish unenlightened SINNERS below. "If you don't love elephants you have no faith!" Donkeys are crazy, evil animals! Nothing could be farther from THE TRUTH. To say so is a sin. You don't know me. How can you judge me? Both animals have strengths and weaknesses. Faith can not be measured here.

I can't quote chapter and verse from the Bible very well. I can summarize the stories and paraphrase the content. There are actually 11 Commandments. The words JESUS left with the disciples before heading off to sit next to the FATHER were, "Love your GOD with all your heart, mind, soul and strength", and "Love your brother like I have loved you." It doesn't say, "sometimes," or "some of the folks." Those seem like pretty wise words to live by regardless of your faith. When Moses came down from the mountain with the TEN Commandments he did not call them the "Top 10 Commandments." Jesus goes on to say that ALL sin is EQUAL in the eyes of his FATHER.

I get confused when a political party or people in certain demographics call themselves the "Godly." Throwing your name in the ring with HIM is dangerous territory for any man. What gets me most is that people who claim to be the "GODLIEST," seem to pick and choose their favorite couple of commandments and chuck the rest out the window.

The sins of Adultry, Greed, Envy, Coveting, Lusting, Stealing, Judging and LYING are equal in the eyes of God. It says it in the book. Stretching the truth is a lie. Leaving out all the facts is deception. Taking things out of context is bearing false witness. I have been guilty of many of all of these sins. I will sin again and again as a MAN. I strive to be a better one everyday.

All who call Jesus, Lord, and follow him are Christians. I have seen the well dressed Christian man call his child stupid on the way into church. I have seen homeless people with the faith of David. I am amazed that the elite call people of their station with drug and alcohol problems as suffering with "chemical dependency" issues. Men with the same problem who don't subscribe to the same beliefs are "junkies." When the CHOSEN commit adultry it is a "Family Matter." The commoner is called a "CHEATER!" How can you question someones' faith? Jesus sees through our motives and into your heart. Yep, that's in THE BOOK too. What you think, is as bad as doing it. Motives are actions in the eyes of God.

I don't see how people misunderstand "ALL" and "BROTHER." How I LIVE and SERVE is what GOD is looking at. People who vote Democratic, Republican, Independent,or don't vote at all, can be CHRISTIANS. Helping the poor and feeding the sick are what JESUS did in the short time of his ministry on earth. Yet a man who wants to see the under served cared for is called a liberal. That's another word for generous. He is chastised for wasting taxpayer money. Weapons are good. Being a "Good Samaritan," and helping the elderly and sick is irresponsible. I seem to recall that helping the less fortunate was WHAT HE DID when he was here. How many barns do you build for YOUR grain?

The Bible says to "Give Ceasar what is his." Yet the well-to-do scream that they pay too much. Remember the woman with the two pennies who gave it to God? She did so with a glad heart. How much do you really NEED? Faith and works are the measuring stick in the kingdom. You can't buy your way into heaven. You can steal your way into hell. This kind of complaining is like a man relaxing on a beach complaining that the sun is too warm. Giving with a cheerful heart is great. Gratitude for your good fortune is humility.

Christianity is open to all who choose to receive it and HIM. It is not based on how I vote or look. If I vote to help the few and hurt the many, what have I done? It's time to show that we are one in the body. People turn away from religion or houses of worship because of OUR infighting and the intolerance towards each other! The hypocrisy is staggering. Goodness comes from the man, not the labels.

When I see GOD'S name thrown around and hijacked by one group of people I am saddened. All those who wish to drink from the cup are welcome. It doesn't matter what color you are. It means nothing if your hair is pink and your nose is pierced. If you are not a Christian, your faith is your faith. Who am I to judge? Faith is personal. Many men turn away those who wish to follow because they are made to feel as if they can't measure up. None of us can. So they walk away! Everyone is welcome at the table.

I am far from perfect. I sin. I pray for the day when as CHRISTIANS we unite in our faith. Politics is not the baseline for faith. There are Commandments. All of them are to be followed or he would not have included them. Not one or two. We are all God's creatures. I've heard he knows my name and the hairs on my head. That must mean he knows that stuff about all people. I am not gonna be the one to judge God's work.

A love and Faith in Christ is ALL INCLUSIVE. I hope we get to a place where we share that ideal  with ALL men, not through gritted teeth but outstretched arms. We will all stand before our maker. He looks at our hearts. He is love. There is not a line. It is one-on-one. He won't look at how long my hair is, if I have a tattoo, and a pierced ear. He doesn't check voting cards. He looks at what I have done while on earth. I'm pretty certain he likes love more than hate...It's written right there in the handbook....

Every Day Is A Gift...STILL....

More than six months have passed since I've taken time to share my thoughts on these pages. The keys are foreign to my touch. It wasn't so long ago that they seemed tethered to my heart and just moved my thoughts and emotions  from vapor to paper. I feel as if I'm reaching out to an old friend with whom was always there through the pains and triumphs of each others lives. Then something happens and you slip away from each other. The longing turns from sadness to distance, then terrible longing and hesitance to reach out again.

I plunk along hoping I can plug back in to the stream that connected me to my innermost secrets. I tell aspiring writers to let GOD do the writing and just hold on to the pen. I hope he speak once again through me.

That last writing was in Mid-September of 2012. I was preparing to drive to Hollywood and somehow obtain my SAG card. I left Chicago on September 19th. I arrived in Los Angeles on the 21st. The journey has taken me through more seasons of change in the last six months, than in the last six years. My hair has thinned and grayed.  Parts of my heart have died and new ones have been born. I lost so much and gained much more. I nearly died.

Today...I am a new creature...

I hope to talk again soon.

Tommy

SOUL PAROLE: Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself is Available on Amazon.com, KINDLE and Amazon Europe. 

Proceeds benefit Chicago Area addiction, homeless and mental health programs.

A Beauty and a Beast

A Sliver of Hope, a New Direction and a Genius Idea!

This blog is an updated version from September of 2011. It did not make it into SOUL PAROLE: Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself. It will definitely appear in SOUL PAROLE: I Was and I AM.


SOUL PAROLE: Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself is NOW available ON Amazon.com, KINDLE and Amazon Europe. 

Proceeds benefit Chicago Area addiction, homeless and mental health programs.

NOTE to reader: I write about addiction, recovery and depression. Those are my challenges and issues. Please replace the word ADDICTION with the word that best suits you. Fear, insecurity, envy, jealousy and materialism are just a few. Facing the things that are holding us back from reaching our potential and finding peace within is my purpose... 


My baseline thinking as an addict is usually me. I want the universe and all of its' atoms formed, or random, to revolve around my plans. Whoever came up with the expression "there is no ME in team" was not an addict. I can say that with almost complete certainty. It is not that we don't have feelings for others but that we are so focused on survival when we use it's a challenging mind set to overcome in recovery.

In my sobriety I have found that the biggest problem that fueled my years of self-destruction was the love-hate relationship I had with myself. I would wake up each day and hate myself more and more.Chemical escape enabled me to cope with my crushing self criticism   My addiction LOVED it. The more I hated me, the more I would turn to chemicals and booze to try and escape MYSELF temporarily. The next day I would wake up with an extra helping of self hate and some physical pain, guilt and shame to throw into the party mix. Then the mental "rope-a-dope" would begin again for another 24 hours.

 I realize now that I was using because I am wired wrong inside. It was my thinking. I had a twisted perception on reality. More precisely, I used because the people and atoms of the universe didn't act in a fashion that met with my satisfaction. As I grow in sobriety I have learned to like myself by letting the world do what it is supposed to do. I try to accept others as they are. Most importantly I try not to spend too much time alone in my head. I'm cool in a crowd, but when I'm alone a fight always breaks out.

Squeaky and I were going through a rough season leading up to the "Rally Round Recovery 2011." I was working on a film. I had just returned from California after a week shoot for an "Animal Planet" series. I am in final editing of my book Soul Parole: Making Peace with My Mind, God and Myself. I am about to start 2 new films. I was working to promote the premier of "Chasing Hollywood." I was in hyper "ME" mode. This happens in sobriety and reality.

Squeaky's kidney surgery was scheduled for 2 days later. The doctors were not sure if they were going to take a portion of her right kidney or the whole thing. I cleared my schedule of EVERYTHING. I thank GOD for giving me the sense to do that. It was crystal clarity. I made arrangements to stay with her while she was in the hospital. They were very accommodating. It was one of the most fearful yet enlightening times.

As the time passed all I could think about was the stupid arguments leading up to that day. I questioned GOD about putting her through this instead of me. I was the idiot! After 28 years of trying to destroy myself an inch at a time, my health was perfect. My heart was shifting back to center. Why is it that we have to be in a big pile of shite with a loved one, or they're in an operating room or funeral parlor for us to look at how truly dear they are to us? It boggles my mind! We fight about wrapping paper and who ate my cereal? For the love of GOD who cares?!

The surgery went better than we could have imagined. They were able to use the Da Vinci robotic surgery method on her and as the doctor said, "if her kidney were a hamburger we only had to take two pickle slices." It was the greatest horrible analogy I have ever heard.  It did make me a bit crazy that they assign patients numbers now during operations. They have a television you can check like an arrival board at the airport to see if they are "boarding," "on the runway," "ready for takeoff," "inflight," "on the tarmack" and "safely on the ground." Her flight was near perfect.

He said she would be staying for 2 nights. Whatever she needed I would be there. They would know if it was cancer later in the week. She was medicated.  Her family was there to support her. It kept me calm. In post-op she smiled and spoke in tongues. She looked glorious. Every time she moved I jumped up, afraid she was in pain or going to fall out of bed. I was asking if she needed the nurse every time she winced. I contorted myself up in the tiny Hobbit like chair and slept with one eye open grateful that we had dodged a bullet.

Being the real alcoholic I am I spent the hours beating myself up. I also replayed my behaviors over and over. and realized I was not sharing enough of the projects I was involved in with my wife. I am proud she appeared with me in "Chasing Hollywood." My Squeaky is on IMDB as Pina Connor. That is the Cats Pajamas! But I used to read scripts to her. I used to read all my blogs to her. I used to consult her on every career move I was making, while I was making them. Her opinions play into my decisions on what road to take.

I can't tell you what we talked about during her 60 hour stay there. I honestly don't remember. We just talked and laughed like things were early in our relationship. We were focused on each other and I was in the NOW. I was right there and not so danged worried about the future. We laughed at stupid stuff. I fetched ice chips and cups of coffee. She's a java junkie. I can live with her addiction. It creates the jitters at worst. I started calling her sliver kidney. She chuckles at the nickname.

Everything I try to do is for the betterment of the family and marriage. When things are going wrong in my life, I need to look at myself first. The problem I often have is that I have a grand plan inside my head. It is carefully crafted. Sometimes I can't differentiate between what is best for me or us. That is an honest assessment of myself. She can't see my thoughts. She sees my head hunkered down in front of this laptop like a man possessed. Period. ACTIONS speak louder than thoughts. God calls the shots. I just show up for each DAYS game and try not to worry about making the playoffs.

We have some new challenges facing us now. We made it through one war, now there's another one shaping up on the battlefield. I know we can get through it if we keep our faith strong. I know that if I am sure that I'm doing the right thing, I do it. If I know it's a poor choice I don't make it. When I honestly don't know the road to take I sit back and wait. The answers will come when it's right, and I'm willing to listen to the messenger....

The I Haven't Kicked The Bucket Yet List

Thank you to all of you who have purchased my first book SOUL PAROLE: Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself (AMAZON). The feedback has been positive so far. I am humbled that people have said it has inspired them to seek treatment, or to catch their goals. I bared my SOUL in the book on my path to rediscovery.

In the chapter, "I Was Dead But Didn't Die," I share a candid look at the day I tried to take my life in April of 2004. I am glad I am still here. It is frightening to reflect on the fact that even a near death experience didn't stop my drinking and using. It would be five more years until I surrendered and found sobriety.

While I was going through boxes to find items for the garage sales. I ran across some journals and poems I had written over the years. The first one begins in 1983, my year of High School graduation and entry into college. I am reviewing them all now and am certain there will be stories to share based on where I was "at" during those years.

The last diary I found was from August of 2003. It was eight months before I attempted to "off" myself. I was surprised what the pages held inside. There was a list of "100 things I wish to do over the next 40 years." A year later death moved to number one on my "to do" list. If I would have succeeded in my death mission I would have been 2 years short OF 40.

Some of the goals, and wishes have come true. That is, in sobriety. I was out of my mind when I wrote the list. I was employed with a company that delivered medicine around five states. It was just me, my drugs, the car and the medicine. Some of the goals are no longer important. My new bucket list will be much different.

Here are a few of the thirty-two listed out of the planned hundred. I was so high back then I couldn't even find 100 things to shoot for in my life. It saddens me. The fact that many have come to fruition over the last 4 years is gratifying.

Here we go:

1. Do God's will and find peace within myself (trying to do that every day)
2. Work better with Squeaky ( We go through seasons like everyone. Things are WAY better than in 2003)
3. See my daughter Kelly regularly ( I still don't know where she is. She is 12. I have left that to GOD.)
4. Have acceptance ( I am glad I accepted the fact that I am a REAL addict. I try to live life as it is)
6. Try acting and comedy (Those dreams have and are coming true)
7. Teach others ( I share my testimony of overcoming obstacles with the help of friends wherever I can)
8. Publish something I write ( Soul Parole and a Poem about Bill Murray have made that dream come true)
12. Work for myself (that one has been realized in sobriety)
14. Save a life (I have been told the book has inspired people to change their lives for the better, That's cool)
17. Donate to charity more ( The 2012 "Extra Hands of Hope" clothing drive for Urban7 begins soon)
19. Get paid to be funny (I have been paid to do comedy. Performing at fundraisers pays me more)
32. Sign an autograph (Dreams of stardom then and something I am uncomfortable doing each time)

There are plenty of material goals on the list. Those are not as important to me in sobriety, as they were lost in addiction. I always thought things, people and different circumstances would spark my desire to get clean. Nothing could, or would, until I surrendered and realized I couldn't get clean on my own.

As I look at the list of 32, I see that I made it past 40 with God's help. I got sober with the help of others like me. I achieved personal goals because I worked hard, and found faith in my sobriety. I don't have to go it alone EVER now. I achieved over 30 %. That is really cool. I am starting another bucket list now. I have also written out a gratitude list. As long as I have gratitude for what I have the other stuff is just icing on my life cake....

But for the grace of GOD...There go I....



SOUL PAROLE: Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself is on sale NOW at Amazon.com and Amazon Europe. Please visit tommyconnolly.com by clicking the link at the top of the page. The book will be available on Kindle in September, 2012.

Proceeds benefit Chicago Area addiction, homeless and mental health programs.

Make Me An Offer I Can't Forget

We held garage sales over the last 2 weekends. Most have held sales of their own. If you're like me, you have visited a few. When I stop at one, I'm certain that I'm going to find a Ming Vase, or an original copy of the Declaration of Independence tucked behind one of those bug eyed, fuzzy kitty posters.

Once I found a sterling silver chalice. I quickly snapped it up. The ornate engravings and elaborate swirls wrapped around the cup in beautiful detail. I was certain that King Arthur had sipped wine from it. It might even be the Holy Grail! I looked up the stamped marking on the bottom. It was from Egypt and worth $1.99. I bought it for a buck. I doubled my money. I'm ready for Suburban Pickers I reckon! My imagination is sparked when I see glimpses into peoples lives laid out on the tables before me.

Preparation for a hoarders blowout is tiring. After the items have been labeled as keep, sell or toss the adventure has just begun. All of the booty is moved into the garage staging area. Card and camping tables  are round up to display the treasures on.

Cable television has permeated my psyche. I had visions of Martha Stewart chastising me for my lack of style and product placement. I organized the artifacts like Dr. Jones would at a museum exposition featuring items from the Temple of Doom. I  created groupings on the tables to make visitors shopping experience more enjoyable. My final presentation would make the DIY girls giggle with envy.  There were housewares to the left, and sporting goods to the right. The yard was divided into a men's and women's section.

As my wife and I went through the boxes we went through a range of emotions. There were nick-knacks that should have been tossed years before, there were broken cups and plates that had been casualties of basement living. Some of the discoveries were things stuffed away, instead of thrown away.

We had purchased a lot of things together. They had sentimental value, but we no longer had room for them in the basement. Many were items we couldn't even recall buying. We about statues and glass dolphins. Each one took us on a nostalgic journey through our time together.

Most of the romantic bears and hearts were gifts I had presented as offerings of forgiveness after I did something stupid. As Ron White says, "I was stuck on stupid," for a long time. I came across my son's first baseball glove and fondly relived the day I had gotten it for him.

Over the years I have been collecting the kids crafts and putting them in to a box. There are Popsicle stick creations and macaroni faces smiling up from the glitter covered box bottom.  From hand made "whatever they were" to certificates of achievement, I had been socking them all away over the years.

While we were organizing I told Squeaky about the box. She had packed away some of the kids stuff as well. She was touched by my sentimental stash of childhood memories. I think, over the years, I had been filling the secret box as a small gesture, recognizing that even though my mind wasn't always there, my heart was still ticking

The sale began with a bang! I had set signs out at every entrance to our subdivision like political signs. For the first few hours I sold little insulted at the paltry offers for such amazing treasure. Many of the product offerings were methodically removed off the sales floor by some mysterious force as the weekend went by. If you can keep a secret. I just couldn't let go of some of our memories for fifty cents! I started another box! I made room for it in my office.

Garage sales are like life. We have to clean out some of the clutter to make our living space more manageable. We can't hold on to everything. It's impossible. There will be new things bought and received. Some will end up in future garage blow out sales.

Change is really tough sometimes, even when you know it's the right thing. Objects have no feelings. They create them in us. Some wax nostalgic as we see them daily. Yet others get passed by without notice. Things come and go. Memories are forever. There were many items sold that I couldn't hold on to any longer, that I will never forget.

No one can steal my joy, or my memories. As long as I'm growing, new memories will enhance the old ones. I can't live in the past or I won't move forward. Glancing back at it is good. Living in it gets me nowhere.

Financially the sale was a success. The remaining items will go to Goodwill and a Joliet Area Recovery Club. It makes me feel good that my treasures will soon be someone else who needs a few.

P.S. If anyone needs any old wooden spoons or coffee cups, let me know....


SOUL PAROLE: Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself is on sale NOW at Amazon.com and Amazon Europe. Please visit tommyconnolly.com by clicking the link at the top of the page. The book will be available on Kindle in September, 2012.

Proceeds benefit Chicago Area addiction, homeless and mental health programs.

You GIT What YOU GIVE....

The last words that the Beatles recorded, before breaking up, was taken from the Abbey Road album. A lot of people think that Let It Be was their last. That is common but incorrect. The message that closes out their final collaboration is, "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you made..." The words are right on. I am saddened when I hear it, knowing it was the end of my favorite group of all time.

Yesterday, I was leaving a film shoot at Studio City in Chicago. As I pulled out of the parking lot I noticed a haggard, dirt covered guy. He was holding up the oft seen, "HELP PLEASE" sign. First I looked away, then I rustled up a couple bucks in quarters, and gave him a Coke I had grabbed before leaving. It was a nice gesture. My thoughts before I decided to do my good deed ... were not so noble.

I never pan handled for money when I was homeless. I stole, conned and pawned my way through those days. When I saw this guy I thought to myself, "Why help him? He's just going to take the money to buy booze or dope!" I have also wondered if the guys are scamming me and cruising home in a Benz.

I was disappointed in myself  because I predetermined where my charity was going to end up and didn't approve of the possibilities. That would make it easier to drive right on by. I figured it was going down his throat, or in a vein. Aye, There's the rub.

When I buy a gift for a loved one or friend I don't stop and wonder if they are going to return it for fishing or shopping money. If that thought does arise I figure that it's okay what they do with the gift I have given. I don't care. I am grateful to have shared the gift with them. I am happy to put a smile on their face. I don't think twice of throwing a few bob into a firemen's boot, help a baseball team or High School band at the supermarket.

When it comes to gift giving within our circle of comfort, we never think, "I'll do it tomorrow," or " I'll just look away at the barbecue and act like Aunt Judy isn't standing right next to me." There is no locking of car doors in my neighborhood. I like to stay within that safety nest. It's really comfortable there. I know of a married couple who look for help on opposite sides of the expressway while their kids are in school and between their part time jobs. The economy is ravaging right now. They are wonderful people and just can't make ends meet. It must be a bitter pill to swallow.

Charity is Charity. If the person you help buys a bottle, so what. It may be the last drink they need before they sober up. It may be that they are truly in need. Why question them? The Good Samaritan didn't cross to the other side of the street, even though the man in the street was a bitter enemy. The affluent acted as if he wasn't there.

Nothing makes me feel better than when I help or inspire a friend. I try to put a smile on people's faces daily. I also try to help a stranger in a small way. There are lots of ways to share. The more you give to others, the longer you stay out of yourself. When I'm alone a fight usually breaks out. When I extend my hand and boost a fella up, I feel contented and...HAPPY!

Just for today get out of yourself. Getting out of your comfort zone is rewarding. Be grateful for what GOD has given you. More importantly, be grateful for what he hasn't. The guy who needs a dollar is worth the toll change in the cup you have in the car. We can't help everyone. The change you give, may change you. "The love you take...is equal to the love you make..."

"You'll Ride Life Into Perfect Laughter" - C.Bukowski

This is my favorite poem of all time! DO IT!

There may not be a tomorrow. BE HERE NOW!

From Pamelasblog. Credited.

Charles Bukowski – Roll The Dice

If you’re going to try, go all the

way.

otherwise, don’t even start.

if you’re going to try, go all the

way.

this could mean losing girlfriends,

wives, relatives, jobs and

maybe your mind.

go all the way.

it could mean not eating for 3 or 4 days.

it could mean freezing on a

park bench.

it could mean jail,

it could mean derision,

mockery,

isolation.

isolation is the gift,

all others are a test of your

endurance, of

how much you really want to

do it.

and you’ll do it

despite rejection and the worst odds

and it will be better than

anything else

you can imagine.

if you’re going to try,

go all the way.

there is no other feeling like

that.

you will be alone with the gods

and the nights will flame with

fire.

do it, do it, do it.

do it.

all the way.

all the way.

you will ride life straight to

perfect laughter, its

the only good fight

there is.

–

And I’m doing it

Enduring the long distance between us

Facing myself when there’s silence and darkness

Working while loosing my passion for it

Living in a city that left me long ago

Pushing time forward

Trying to live my dream

Holding my future closeby

Reading Wilde’s words

And still smiling

Because

I’m doing it!

SOUL PAROLE: Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself is on sale NOW at Amazon.com (12.95) and Amazon Europe. Personalized copies can be purchased through PAYPAL at tommyconnolly.com by clicking the link at the top of the page. 

Proceeds benefit Chicago Area addiction, homeless and mental health programs.