Before I dive into the 700 mile an hour salt flat speed testing site, known as the inside of my mind, I want to say a few HEARTFELT "I'm Sorries." The first goes to my wife Kris, the second to my good friend LT in AZ! I'm sorry and thank you for being the focus of today's trip into Tommy's recovery and depression fun house. Please put your seat belt on. Do not stand up while the ride is moving and you must be taller than Frodo to take the trip.
An addict, a depression sufferer and a human will say "I'm sorry" and/or "I thank you" for many reasons daily. I will speak for myself. I hope you can relate. When I was drinking "I'm sorry" and "I promise" were the two phrases that came out of my mouth most. That is after I had poured booze and whatever down my throat and hurt feelings and did rotten things. I used "I'm sorry" as a way to get out of things, to avoid shouting out how I really wasn't sorry, or because "it's the right thing to say" after a disagreement or when I was wrong. Sometimes, it was to avoid my own feelings.
"Thank you" and "please" are two more beautifully cobbled simple phrases with a lot of power packed into a syllable or two. I used these to appear grateful, look good, show temporary superficial happiness and put on a good show. Of course, there were occasional times I meant all of these phrases but they have now become so over used that they are losing their power. I/maybe we, just say them because we are supposed to. I can honestly say that I have had a girl spill my coffee all over me at the gas station at checkout and thanked her for it! I have been conditioned into some of these responses. They have lost their heartfelt, soul based meaning that they are intended to partner with. I have also said "THANK YOU!" in an almost demonic tone to some rude register lady to show her how civilized I am. HUH? Earth to Tom!
There are so many of these phrases in the English language. American style has the best, which we have beaten down into meaning less innocuous, droning reactions instead of feelings. When my kids come home from school I ask them how their day was and they normally respond with, "it was great" or "it was cool" or "it was fine". In all honesty I am relieved because I think to myself that I am glad that there won't be a crisis to settle that evening. That should be the time I jump up and ask them what made it "great" or "cool". I don't do that nearly enough! Why? Because I accept the simple word of contentedness as affirmation that all is well. When they come home and say their day was "horrible," rotten," etc.,. I won't lie. In my head I think, "oh no, here we go..." Shame on me!
My depression medication had run its course and was no longer working at an effective therapeutic level for me. I switched to a different medication. When you switch medications that are manipulating the wiring in your melon there is a transition. The switch is accompanied with yet more depression, mood swings, sleep problems and a list of symptoms unique to the med and the patient. Depression, like alcoholism and addiction is never cured, it is merely arrested, controlled and managed.
My new meds are evening out now and I feel great. I feel motivated again and have put my NIN CD's back and gotten my Ramone's back out. I have had some moody outbursts with a few friends, and especially my wife, over the last few weeks. I know it's the meds. They know it's the meds. As always I must remember the world judges me by what comes out of my mouth, not what goes into it.
I learn more and more about me each day and it's getting much easier to live with me and within me. I find the more sober I get the more alcoholic I realize I really am. I have come to accept and surrender to the fact that I have some conditions that are real and forever. It ain't so bad. I am growing and happy for the most part. I make mistakes and can admit them. It sure is nice not having to be right all the time. As for those words we use like hello's and goodbyes.
I am truly sorry to Squeaky and my friends for shooting off my mouth, new meds or not. The best solution for big mouthitis is keeping it closed. As for thank you's. I thank you for taking time out of your day to read my ramblings. I hope it helps you. I know it helps me. I know I am getting somewhere down the road of life because my prayer life is less frantic and more grateful. I don't seek comfort in things I can wear, drive or eat, drink or show off. I have a prayer list. I have friends I pray for daily. When I hit my knees at the end of the day I thank God for giving me another day of life, even if it was a rotten one by human standards. You see, it wasn't too long ago those same prayers were begging him to not let me wake up the next day. Now when I do wake up, I jump up and say "What are we doing today!"
That is after I say "Dear Lord, please get inside my head before I do." Have a Day!
COMING NEXT WEEK! PROCRASTINATION
Showing posts with label Ramones. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ramones. Show all posts
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Illinois State Second Year, Second Arrest, Second Call to Dad...
After my first year at ISU, I was placed on academic probation and was risking expulsion. I was drinking everyday and smoking about 7 grams of pot alone a day. While my friends went to class and were preparing for their careers, I was doing the wake and bake and watching Bozo or the newly created MTV. I had a radio program on WZND, the ISU radio station. The show began with the Ramones jamming "Do you Remember Rock-n-Roll Radio?" Ironically the show was called the "Happy Hour Show" as I broadcasted from 4-7pm. I took requests and played the songs I liked and disregarded the requests for Culture Club and the Thompson Twins.
My sophomore year picked up right where my freshman one left off. I flunked 4 classes the first year and started year 2 on probation. To me, college was "Animal House" come to life. I was being treated for a spastic colon with medication. I now believe the condition was a symptom of my depression. As I got older the runs went away and the desire to run from everything took over. I remember very little of my academic career at ISU, but I can remember the parties and the drugs. By this point I was using drugs and alcohol day and night. Classes were recreational.
I would go home on weekends to see my girlfriend and hit my dad or grandma up for money. When I started my first year of college I had $5,000 dollars of spending money in an account for necessities. I went through the money in that first semester and was mooching my dad by the second. While I was home, I would lay a song and a dance on my dad and grandmother about my financial woes and could always weasel some cash out of them. Addicts know how to play each character specifically. We are chameleons. We can be smooth and gentlemanly, street wise and slick, loving and pathetic all to get the money we need to continue our run.
On one trip back to Bloomington from Mokena, I was drunk and high after a party earlier in the day. As I headed down I-55 in my '74 Buick Le Sabre, I was nodding off and clipped the bumper of a car in the lane next to me. I freaked. I hit the gas and the car chased me for about 25 miles before I finally pulled over. While they were moving in on me I knew they had my plate numbers and I was planning my scheme on how to get out of this latest pinch. I switched into an often used addicts' role. I acted like I was completely nuts!
I pleaded with the driver not to call the police. I gave them my insurance card and my father's phone number assuring them that the damages would be repaired. I cried or sobbed to gain their sympathy. I ranted and mumbled apologies, I paced and scared the driver enough for him to accept my proposal to keep the law out of it. Another scrape I escaped through the cunning tongue and acting of an alcoholic addict. These skills have been useful in my comedy and acting career. Now they're used for character identification and visualization, not for manipulation of family and friends.
I made it back to campus and called my father. He said he would take care of it after I balled like a baby. That always got him; to hear his grown son sob. I played him like a fiddle. When the call was ended, I wiped the crocodile tears from my eyes, had a beer and smoked some more hooch. I was completely immersed in chemicals now, including mushrooms and LSD. Like most users I did it to "expand my senses" and "write poetry." I knew the greats like Hemingway and Lennon were drunks and addicts and I thought my creative genius would be fueled from these "trips". The poetry was bad but the music was good. The toll the hallucinogens took on my body left me bed ridden for 2 or 3 days after use. I was the pariah of my Manchester Hall roommates. A joke, really. They talked to me but laughed behind my back at how truly pathetic I had become. I was the center of a joke that every one was in on, except me.
Early in the year campus officials were considering banning alcohol on campus and at parties. The students cried NO! I took part in an evening melee that even brought Oprah down to Normal, Illinois for a story on the pandemonium that ensued that night. When there was revolution or anarchy in the air, I took the lead and cheered my fellow hooligans on in their destruction. They knocked over garbage cans and when they began to break stuff my anarchist participation ended. I was in support of keeping the booze flowing but not at the expense of a campus window or innocent bystanders' property.
The police were making themselves more visible in the Cherry Street neighborhood and fraternity row. I was still bringing booze in from home and had connections for anything else I fancied right there on campus. On Halloween I was especially drunk and stoned. We were planning to go out to the costume parties. As a drunk I had to drink and use before we went out and drank and used in case they didn't drink and use at the same level as I did. You follow me? One of the greatest fears of an alcoholic addict is that they will arrive at a social function and find out there wasn't enough to reach the oblivion we so desperately seek. That made getting primed justifiable and necessary before heading out.
I had gone to the thrift store and bought a yellow rain coat, a fisherman's hat, and stopped at the Kroger for a box of fish sticks. I was going dressed as the Gordon Fisherman, that tiny guy in the corner of the box of fish sticks. I thought I was hilarious. Another commonly held notion of the active alcoholic is that we are an absolute riot when drunk. We don't realize that people are laughing more at us than with us. Me and a bunch of guys headed for the party. I smoked dope all the way and was blotto when we got there.
I poured a beer and snaked my way through the overcrowded house to get some fresh air. As I was stepping into the night air, a Bloomington police officer was stepping in. I tried to make my way around him but he shifted over to block my way. He asked if I was the one throwing the party. They were cracking down heavy after the campus and property damage, resulting from the earlier riots. I casually responded "no" and tried to move past him once more. He stepped in front of me with more resolve. His night stick was in hand, no doubt for protection, unsure of how the crowd would react at the announcement that the party was over.
He questioned me further, his night stick resting on my chest, and inquired if I knew whose party it was. The adrenalin and chemicals mixed with the interrogation began to anger me. My response of "no I don't" was more cocky and less respectful. His third question was accentuated with a poke to my chest with the night stick."How old are you?" My polluted mind and misdirected testosterone bubbled up until I spat out, "I'm 15!" He felt my sarcasm and knew I was older than stated. He asked for my student ID and asked me to wait in the front yard until his return.
In an alcoholic fog, the injustice of being singled out ate at me. The ache in my chest from the poking of his night stick made it more real and I was fuming. One of the crazy things alcohol and drugs creates in the user, beyond the removal of inhibition, is the dismissal of reality and the consequences our actions may hold. I shouted some expletives and left for another party, leaving my ID with the officer. I had directly disobeyed an officer.
I moved from party to party and was in complete blackout, an early sign of alcohol dependency. When I got rocked I blacked out nearly every time. I was an alcoholic and knew it at 18. It didn't bother me. There were plenty of boozers throwing them back around my family tree. Somehow I made it back to my dorm and convinced them to let me up to my room without my ID. The fact that I had thrown up down my shirt most likely contributed to their decision to allow me entry.
I passed out in my room and came to early the next morning, startled by the shaking of my arm from my roommate. I mumbled a greeting and asked what was up. He said,"What's up? You don't remember last night?" My response was clouded and honest when I said, "No I don't. I had a bit too much." He went on to explain that a police officer had called my dorm room late the night before and my roommate couldn't rouse me to take the call. In his efforts to revive me, and explain that the officer was on the phone and wanted to speak with me, I blathered a "Tell him to go screw himself!" loud enough that the officer heard my response. He instructed my roommate that I had better be at the police station early the next morning or a warrant would be issued for my arrest.
Nursing a hangover that would blind a rhino, I staggered to the police station still drunk from the night before. The officer greeted me and reviewed the nights events with me. He had returned the ID's to the party goers and left the party. I had fled and told him to screw himself. I was arrested for underage drinking and disobeying a police officer. It was my second arrest in a year. As I stood before the judge, the same one I had for my first arrest, he remembered me. He informed me that it was my second alcohol related arrest in a year. If I were to be arrested again at ISU or in Bloomington for any alcohol related offense he would recommend the maximum penalty that could include jail time.
I was scared and called my dad again. This time he was speechless but his silence stung worse than if he were screaming at me. I knew I had hurt him again. I hated hurting him but I seemed to do it over and over. It was a little over a month until the end of the semester. I was on academic probation and the law had it in for me. I did what any alcoholic would do in this case. I decided not to return to ISU and run as far from Bloomington as I could.
Alcoholism is like your shadow. Wherever you run to, it's there to help you unpack. The problems are inside you, not outside your door. I finished the semester and decided to transfer for "educational reasons". My alcoholism was happy to go to any school or any destination I chose. It wanted me dead but would settle for me drunk.
My sophomore year picked up right where my freshman one left off. I flunked 4 classes the first year and started year 2 on probation. To me, college was "Animal House" come to life. I was being treated for a spastic colon with medication. I now believe the condition was a symptom of my depression. As I got older the runs went away and the desire to run from everything took over. I remember very little of my academic career at ISU, but I can remember the parties and the drugs. By this point I was using drugs and alcohol day and night. Classes were recreational.
I would go home on weekends to see my girlfriend and hit my dad or grandma up for money. When I started my first year of college I had $5,000 dollars of spending money in an account for necessities. I went through the money in that first semester and was mooching my dad by the second. While I was home, I would lay a song and a dance on my dad and grandmother about my financial woes and could always weasel some cash out of them. Addicts know how to play each character specifically. We are chameleons. We can be smooth and gentlemanly, street wise and slick, loving and pathetic all to get the money we need to continue our run.
On one trip back to Bloomington from Mokena, I was drunk and high after a party earlier in the day. As I headed down I-55 in my '74 Buick Le Sabre, I was nodding off and clipped the bumper of a car in the lane next to me. I freaked. I hit the gas and the car chased me for about 25 miles before I finally pulled over. While they were moving in on me I knew they had my plate numbers and I was planning my scheme on how to get out of this latest pinch. I switched into an often used addicts' role. I acted like I was completely nuts!
I pleaded with the driver not to call the police. I gave them my insurance card and my father's phone number assuring them that the damages would be repaired. I cried or sobbed to gain their sympathy. I ranted and mumbled apologies, I paced and scared the driver enough for him to accept my proposal to keep the law out of it. Another scrape I escaped through the cunning tongue and acting of an alcoholic addict. These skills have been useful in my comedy and acting career. Now they're used for character identification and visualization, not for manipulation of family and friends.
I made it back to campus and called my father. He said he would take care of it after I balled like a baby. That always got him; to hear his grown son sob. I played him like a fiddle. When the call was ended, I wiped the crocodile tears from my eyes, had a beer and smoked some more hooch. I was completely immersed in chemicals now, including mushrooms and LSD. Like most users I did it to "expand my senses" and "write poetry." I knew the greats like Hemingway and Lennon were drunks and addicts and I thought my creative genius would be fueled from these "trips". The poetry was bad but the music was good. The toll the hallucinogens took on my body left me bed ridden for 2 or 3 days after use. I was the pariah of my Manchester Hall roommates. A joke, really. They talked to me but laughed behind my back at how truly pathetic I had become. I was the center of a joke that every one was in on, except me.
Early in the year campus officials were considering banning alcohol on campus and at parties. The students cried NO! I took part in an evening melee that even brought Oprah down to Normal, Illinois for a story on the pandemonium that ensued that night. When there was revolution or anarchy in the air, I took the lead and cheered my fellow hooligans on in their destruction. They knocked over garbage cans and when they began to break stuff my anarchist participation ended. I was in support of keeping the booze flowing but not at the expense of a campus window or innocent bystanders' property.
The police were making themselves more visible in the Cherry Street neighborhood and fraternity row. I was still bringing booze in from home and had connections for anything else I fancied right there on campus. On Halloween I was especially drunk and stoned. We were planning to go out to the costume parties. As a drunk I had to drink and use before we went out and drank and used in case they didn't drink and use at the same level as I did. You follow me? One of the greatest fears of an alcoholic addict is that they will arrive at a social function and find out there wasn't enough to reach the oblivion we so desperately seek. That made getting primed justifiable and necessary before heading out.
I had gone to the thrift store and bought a yellow rain coat, a fisherman's hat, and stopped at the Kroger for a box of fish sticks. I was going dressed as the Gordon Fisherman, that tiny guy in the corner of the box of fish sticks. I thought I was hilarious. Another commonly held notion of the active alcoholic is that we are an absolute riot when drunk. We don't realize that people are laughing more at us than with us. Me and a bunch of guys headed for the party. I smoked dope all the way and was blotto when we got there.
I poured a beer and snaked my way through the overcrowded house to get some fresh air. As I was stepping into the night air, a Bloomington police officer was stepping in. I tried to make my way around him but he shifted over to block my way. He asked if I was the one throwing the party. They were cracking down heavy after the campus and property damage, resulting from the earlier riots. I casually responded "no" and tried to move past him once more. He stepped in front of me with more resolve. His night stick was in hand, no doubt for protection, unsure of how the crowd would react at the announcement that the party was over.
He questioned me further, his night stick resting on my chest, and inquired if I knew whose party it was. The adrenalin and chemicals mixed with the interrogation began to anger me. My response of "no I don't" was more cocky and less respectful. His third question was accentuated with a poke to my chest with the night stick."How old are you?" My polluted mind and misdirected testosterone bubbled up until I spat out, "I'm 15!" He felt my sarcasm and knew I was older than stated. He asked for my student ID and asked me to wait in the front yard until his return.
In an alcoholic fog, the injustice of being singled out ate at me. The ache in my chest from the poking of his night stick made it more real and I was fuming. One of the crazy things alcohol and drugs creates in the user, beyond the removal of inhibition, is the dismissal of reality and the consequences our actions may hold. I shouted some expletives and left for another party, leaving my ID with the officer. I had directly disobeyed an officer.
I moved from party to party and was in complete blackout, an early sign of alcohol dependency. When I got rocked I blacked out nearly every time. I was an alcoholic and knew it at 18. It didn't bother me. There were plenty of boozers throwing them back around my family tree. Somehow I made it back to my dorm and convinced them to let me up to my room without my ID. The fact that I had thrown up down my shirt most likely contributed to their decision to allow me entry.
I passed out in my room and came to early the next morning, startled by the shaking of my arm from my roommate. I mumbled a greeting and asked what was up. He said,"What's up? You don't remember last night?" My response was clouded and honest when I said, "No I don't. I had a bit too much." He went on to explain that a police officer had called my dorm room late the night before and my roommate couldn't rouse me to take the call. In his efforts to revive me, and explain that the officer was on the phone and wanted to speak with me, I blathered a "Tell him to go screw himself!" loud enough that the officer heard my response. He instructed my roommate that I had better be at the police station early the next morning or a warrant would be issued for my arrest.
Nursing a hangover that would blind a rhino, I staggered to the police station still drunk from the night before. The officer greeted me and reviewed the nights events with me. He had returned the ID's to the party goers and left the party. I had fled and told him to screw himself. I was arrested for underage drinking and disobeying a police officer. It was my second arrest in a year. As I stood before the judge, the same one I had for my first arrest, he remembered me. He informed me that it was my second alcohol related arrest in a year. If I were to be arrested again at ISU or in Bloomington for any alcohol related offense he would recommend the maximum penalty that could include jail time.
I was scared and called my dad again. This time he was speechless but his silence stung worse than if he were screaming at me. I knew I had hurt him again. I hated hurting him but I seemed to do it over and over. It was a little over a month until the end of the semester. I was on academic probation and the law had it in for me. I did what any alcoholic would do in this case. I decided not to return to ISU and run as far from Bloomington as I could.
Alcoholism is like your shadow. Wherever you run to, it's there to help you unpack. The problems are inside you, not outside your door. I finished the semester and decided to transfer for "educational reasons". My alcoholism was happy to go to any school or any destination I chose. It wanted me dead but would settle for me drunk.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Life Is Like Chess We Are All Pawns In God's Game!
I have said that there is no such thing as coincidence. I believe we are all pawns in a cosmic chess game being moved from space to space in each strategic move that our creator has planned. He puts us in the spot we need to help the next person get to their next predetermined spot. What may seem like a choice at the time is really part of a grand plan drawn out long before our actions moved us in that direction to that black or white spot.
God gave me the gift of humor and communication. For some reason I can verbalize emotions and feelings that most people can't seem to put into words. This gift has gotten me into a lot of trouble and also given me the opportunity to stand in front of a hundred people and make them laugh. I have done scenes with William H. Macy, Jennifer Beals, Larry Fishburne and Kate Winslet on film and TV. More importantly, I have also found myself in situations where addicts and alcoholics were at the end of the rope and ready to throw in the towel. Somehow God put the right words in my mouth to make them hold on for one more day.
God speaks through my heart, my mouth and my talents. They are really not mine. He has entrusted them to me to add hope in a darkening world. They are not to be kept selfishly locked away for only me to experience. What has been given to me so freely must be given away. If I did not share the pain of my addiction and depression, then my life was just a twisted waste of space and time here. If one, only ONE, single person gets inspired through some message I spit out, and chooses a different path than the one I chose, then I know I was the pawn placed in the right spot at the right time. That pain and suffering made me the man I am today, not the child I tried to hide inside for a quarter of a century.
Ian McLennon Shipp is a friend and artist in Seattle. He was placed on the chess board of my life today to explain the plight of an artist and the need for him to express himself, no matter what the cost. Some days there is adulation, other days regurgitation at the artist's creation. I personally find Shakespeare excruciating, confusing to read and nearly impossible to comprehend. I also think the Sex Pistols and Ramones were Rock-N-Roll pioneers who are overlooked for their contribution to the arts. Art is in the eye of the beholder.
My wife and I ordered Chinese food for dinner. I don't personally believe in the wisdom and misspelled future prognostication to my future that a cookie fortells. I do open them and read them for amusement only. I must confess I once played the lottery numbers suggested and it got me nowhere. In one cookie the message was "The one you love is closer than you think." The other said "The kindness you once gave a friend will soon be returned." That was some good stuff from the center of a tasty Asian treat. I am sure several other people in the area got that same message tonight in their dinner. I wonder how it affected them. For me it was like more chess pieces being moved to a check mate.
My blog has helped me relive and relieve some of the wreckage of my past. My loved ones are close to me now due to the changes I have made and continue to make. My marriage is stronger than I could ever have imagined. My kids respect me. I have been given many rich friendships that were impossible for me to maintain in years gone by. We all have talents and messages to deliver. Most of the time we don't even realize we are delivering them. That is the awesome cosmic strategy that plays out in the chess match of all of our lives. It's God's game and the next move is His.
God gave me the gift of humor and communication. For some reason I can verbalize emotions and feelings that most people can't seem to put into words. This gift has gotten me into a lot of trouble and also given me the opportunity to stand in front of a hundred people and make them laugh. I have done scenes with William H. Macy, Jennifer Beals, Larry Fishburne and Kate Winslet on film and TV. More importantly, I have also found myself in situations where addicts and alcoholics were at the end of the rope and ready to throw in the towel. Somehow God put the right words in my mouth to make them hold on for one more day.
God speaks through my heart, my mouth and my talents. They are really not mine. He has entrusted them to me to add hope in a darkening world. They are not to be kept selfishly locked away for only me to experience. What has been given to me so freely must be given away. If I did not share the pain of my addiction and depression, then my life was just a twisted waste of space and time here. If one, only ONE, single person gets inspired through some message I spit out, and chooses a different path than the one I chose, then I know I was the pawn placed in the right spot at the right time. That pain and suffering made me the man I am today, not the child I tried to hide inside for a quarter of a century.
Ian McLennon Shipp is a friend and artist in Seattle. He was placed on the chess board of my life today to explain the plight of an artist and the need for him to express himself, no matter what the cost. Some days there is adulation, other days regurgitation at the artist's creation. I personally find Shakespeare excruciating, confusing to read and nearly impossible to comprehend. I also think the Sex Pistols and Ramones were Rock-N-Roll pioneers who are overlooked for their contribution to the arts. Art is in the eye of the beholder.
My wife and I ordered Chinese food for dinner. I don't personally believe in the wisdom and misspelled future prognostication to my future that a cookie fortells. I do open them and read them for amusement only. I must confess I once played the lottery numbers suggested and it got me nowhere. In one cookie the message was "The one you love is closer than you think." The other said "The kindness you once gave a friend will soon be returned." That was some good stuff from the center of a tasty Asian treat. I am sure several other people in the area got that same message tonight in their dinner. I wonder how it affected them. For me it was like more chess pieces being moved to a check mate.
My blog has helped me relive and relieve some of the wreckage of my past. My loved ones are close to me now due to the changes I have made and continue to make. My marriage is stronger than I could ever have imagined. My kids respect me. I have been given many rich friendships that were impossible for me to maintain in years gone by. We all have talents and messages to deliver. Most of the time we don't even realize we are delivering them. That is the awesome cosmic strategy that plays out in the chess match of all of our lives. It's God's game and the next move is His.
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