Before I dive into the 700 mile an hour salt flat speed testing site, known as the inside of my mind, I want to say a few HEARTFELT "I'm Sorries." The first goes to my wife Kris, the second to my good friend LT in AZ! I'm sorry and thank you for being the focus of today's trip into Tommy's recovery and depression fun house. Please put your seat belt on. Do not stand up while the ride is moving and you must be taller than Frodo to take the trip.
An addict, a depression sufferer and a human will say "I'm sorry" and/or "I thank you" for many reasons daily. I will speak for myself. I hope you can relate. When I was drinking "I'm sorry" and "I promise" were the two phrases that came out of my mouth most. That is after I had poured booze and whatever down my throat and hurt feelings and did rotten things. I used "I'm sorry" as a way to get out of things, to avoid shouting out how I really wasn't sorry, or because "it's the right thing to say" after a disagreement or when I was wrong. Sometimes, it was to avoid my own feelings.
"Thank you" and "please" are two more beautifully cobbled simple phrases with a lot of power packed into a syllable or two. I used these to appear grateful, look good, show temporary superficial happiness and put on a good show. Of course, there were occasional times I meant all of these phrases but they have now become so over used that they are losing their power. I/maybe we, just say them because we are supposed to. I can honestly say that I have had a girl spill my coffee all over me at the gas station at checkout and thanked her for it! I have been conditioned into some of these responses. They have lost their heartfelt, soul based meaning that they are intended to partner with. I have also said "THANK YOU!" in an almost demonic tone to some rude register lady to show her how civilized I am. HUH? Earth to Tom!
There are so many of these phrases in the English language. American style has the best, which we have beaten down into meaning less innocuous, droning reactions instead of feelings. When my kids come home from school I ask them how their day was and they normally respond with, "it was great" or "it was cool" or "it was fine". In all honesty I am relieved because I think to myself that I am glad that there won't be a crisis to settle that evening. That should be the time I jump up and ask them what made it "great" or "cool". I don't do that nearly enough! Why? Because I accept the simple word of contentedness as affirmation that all is well. When they come home and say their day was "horrible," rotten," etc.,. I won't lie. In my head I think, "oh no, here we go..." Shame on me!
My depression medication had run its course and was no longer working at an effective therapeutic level for me. I switched to a different medication. When you switch medications that are manipulating the wiring in your melon there is a transition. The switch is accompanied with yet more depression, mood swings, sleep problems and a list of symptoms unique to the med and the patient. Depression, like alcoholism and addiction is never cured, it is merely arrested, controlled and managed.
My new meds are evening out now and I feel great. I feel motivated again and have put my NIN CD's back and gotten my Ramone's back out. I have had some moody outbursts with a few friends, and especially my wife, over the last few weeks. I know it's the meds. They know it's the meds. As always I must remember the world judges me by what comes out of my mouth, not what goes into it.
I learn more and more about me each day and it's getting much easier to live with me and within me. I find the more sober I get the more alcoholic I realize I really am. I have come to accept and surrender to the fact that I have some conditions that are real and forever. It ain't so bad. I am growing and happy for the most part. I make mistakes and can admit them. It sure is nice not having to be right all the time. As for those words we use like hello's and goodbyes.
I am truly sorry to Squeaky and my friends for shooting off my mouth, new meds or not. The best solution for big mouthitis is keeping it closed. As for thank you's. I thank you for taking time out of your day to read my ramblings. I hope it helps you. I know it helps me. I know I am getting somewhere down the road of life because my prayer life is less frantic and more grateful. I don't seek comfort in things I can wear, drive or eat, drink or show off. I have a prayer list. I have friends I pray for daily. When I hit my knees at the end of the day I thank God for giving me another day of life, even if it was a rotten one by human standards. You see, it wasn't too long ago those same prayers were begging him to not let me wake up the next day. Now when I do wake up, I jump up and say "What are we doing today!"
That is after I say "Dear Lord, please get inside my head before I do." Have a Day!
COMING NEXT WEEK! PROCRASTINATION
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