What About Bob?

It has been a long time since I have felt the urge or NEED to write two blogs in one day. If you had a chance to read the entry from this morning the ending revolved around my gratitude for my sobriety. I checked out by saying I was going to a recovery meeting. It was one that changed my mood from happy to sad. It further ingrained in the deepest depths of my psyche that EVERY DAY IS A GIFT!

I hope the readers who regularly follow the blog have realized that you don't have to be an addict to relate to my message. We all have fears and habits that we are slaves to. Some use food, envy, relationships, greed, work and a myriad of other things as their means of escape. The justifications and denials are the same. The pain runs as deep. It effects ones' ability to live comfortably, without guilt. Because it is not a drug, or can be easily concealed, it is dismissed as being just a "BAD HABIT."

To escape the grips of any obstacle that is impeding your ability to live a guilt free, fear free life is my goal. Addiction is what I know best. The other examples I listed are a few of the other things that kept me lost in myself or codependency for years. The joys of being free of self, and at peace with GOD and my fellows is what I hope to drive home.

You can't do it alone. The deeper an unwanted habit or fear is driven the more it tells you to keep it a secret. The less likely we become willing to talk about it. It also becomes nearly impossible to reach out for that help. Once you are freed from the ties that bind you, anything is possible. Life, family and life being "YOU" is amazing!

While I was at my meeting I found out about the death of a friend who was my age. His name was Bob. Bob was a fun loving, highly intelligent guy who loved his family. He had eyes that were piercing. Bob could not escape the grips of alcohol. He died last week. He was taken to a hospital with a blood alcohol level of .70. His organs shut down. Then he did. I am glad he is no longer at war with himself.

People who find the miracle of sobriety are few and blessed indeed. The guilt and shame of living a lie and in a secret world are crushing forces to have to relive day after day. Being said that I have been given a second chance would seem paltry to the miracles I have seen since I turned to GOD and friends for help. My life is anew. I am living a dream. I can deal with me as me. I can cope with reality and have stopped beating myself up emotionally. That is where all these habits center. The euphoria of experiencing our drug of choice is brief. It is really the self loathing, and emotional self beatings, we become addicted to.

When Bob was sober he was like a lamb. I used to see him sleeping in the streets. I gave him clothes and a winter coat. He drank. He was arrested over and over. He drank. He got to a point where if he stopped drinking he would have seizures. I was talking with him once when one occurred. It was terrifying. He jumped up in a moment and was ready to fight. He lost the fight last Week.

Overcoming yourself is the hardest thing a human can do. We get so caught up in chasing after money, material success, and escapism, that we are soon lost.

When I say I try to leave every meeting with a friend or loved one with a good feeling, I MEAN IT! Every day is a gift because we only live moment to moment whether we like it or not. I don't want to leave any regrets on the table when I split for paradise. Guilt is no longer a feeling I can live comfortably with. Anger is an emotion that is toxic for me. I avoid it at all costs.

Wherever you are in your world please realize what you have is so much more than you need. We have it so good in America. Even in these dark economic times. Take a trip through the shacks of the Caribbean Islands or Mexico and see what shanty life is.

Take time to enjoy the simple things in life like smiles, hugs and sunsets. The next time you eat an apple, marvel at its natural beauty. Laugh at the laugh of a child. Most of all, make peace with yourself and the people that surround you. Live like there's no tomorrow. There may not be one. Eventually we all will have a last moment. I do not want my last day to be wasted on fear, hate, broken relationships and wasted negative energy.

The greatest thing about life is that you can start over any time you want. Take time today to thank GOD for what you HAVEN'T been given. Call that lost friend or shunned relative. Your last day may not be tomorrow. Theirs may. Nothing in life is as precious as...LIFE....

Talking to my Son and my FATHER......

I had a talk with my son yesterday. It was one of those talks where we take off the labels of "dad" and "son" and just rapped like a couple of dudes. It was a nice time during the sit down. I didn't tell him where he messed up mowing the lawn, or taking out the trash or blowing his curfew. We just talked about girls, driving, jobs and life.

I call my son Bro. It is my nickname for him because his biological father has Son as his name for him. When he was little I did not want to make it awkward by calling him Son and adding to the icky awkward "STEP" thing. I also call him "Biggie" and he calls me "Smalls." That's fine by me because by physical measurement the monikers fit quite well. He fully knows when it comes to the law of the land I am Biggie and he is a resident of the land.

There are times when I have to talk to him like the Law and sometimes like Smalls. I can assure you both are inevitable but it is not always necessary for me to be the law. Sometimes talking to him as Smalls, usually in fact, we have much better conversations. He opens up more. He hears me. He shares his feelings. He is honest and we both walk away feeling good.

When it comes to being a Christian I certainly do not hide the fact that I am one. I would proudly state that to my death and life. That is what works for me. As soon as that statement was read a few of you probably  rolled your eyes and thought "Oh man here we go..." I am sorry for that. Your ears probably began to close. Your mind drifted to preconceived notions of Christians gone by. The word hypocrisy rang in your head. I don't blame you. I feel the same way and I am one.

You see, where many of us go wrong as Christians is that we seem to exude an air of superiority to the non-believer, spiritualist and agnostic. That is truly sad. I am no better than you. I am no worse than you. We will all meet our maker. That is a fact. What that is is open to conjecture. How we choose to address that maker is optional and personal.

I talk to God all day. I do it on the toilet, on my knees and in my car a lot. I do it in short sentences and long diatribes. I also ask Him to talk to me through other people. He does. I know He speaks through me sometimes. I am grateful when He does. I am humbled when I am of use to Him and grateful when someone says I have inspired or given them hope. I kick the compliment upstairs. I am a messenger. That's it. We all are, wittingly or unwittingly.

To the reader: I ask that you not lump us all into one big pot. To the Christian on the mountain of righteousness, please look at the log in your eye before pointing out the splinters in the eyes of the masses. God is not a marketing tool, a campaign slogan or a political platform. To use Him as such is blasphemy at its greatest in my book.

I do ask the reader to say hello to the Creator, The Great Spirit, Father Earth, The Painter of the Cosmos. For years I had a hole that I couldn't understand inside me. Something was missing. I see now that it was a relationship with my FATHER. A connection to the universe. I have a "Bat line" to him that is always open. I don't know if it's red and under a glass cake cover like on the TV show. I do know he's always there when I call.

Jesus works for me. Church works for me. I did have to change the ones I grew up with and read the Bible to reeducate my mind. The church I go to now leaves me feeling love, not guilt. I feel I am headed towards a wonderful eternity, not a guaranteed guilt filled hell. However, this is not a requirement. Before Jesus left us he had 2 instructions for man. Not 374 rules and who to vote for. They were in paraphrasing, Love God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength. The other was love your brothers like I have loved you.

There was no color, orientation, party affiliation, caveats, "buts" or "except those people" in his statement. That is where the trouble begins. When man twists God's plan of love for power, greed and power and greed. Shame, shame, shame! Those who do that will have to stand in front of the maker just like the hippies, artists, liberals and tree huggers.

God is love. Go out and lay some God on someone today, no and's, if's or but's about it. He loves you!