The I Haven't Kicked The Bucket Yet List

Thank you to all of you who have purchased my first book SOUL PAROLE: Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself (AMAZON). The feedback has been positive so far. I am humbled that people have said it has inspired them to seek treatment, or to catch their goals. I bared my SOUL in the book on my path to rediscovery.

In the chapter, "I Was Dead But Didn't Die," I share a candid look at the day I tried to take my life in April of 2004. I am glad I am still here. It is frightening to reflect on the fact that even a near death experience didn't stop my drinking and using. It would be five more years until I surrendered and found sobriety.

While I was going through boxes to find items for the garage sales. I ran across some journals and poems I had written over the years. The first one begins in 1983, my year of High School graduation and entry into college. I am reviewing them all now and am certain there will be stories to share based on where I was "at" during those years.

The last diary I found was from August of 2003. It was eight months before I attempted to "off" myself. I was surprised what the pages held inside. There was a list of "100 things I wish to do over the next 40 years." A year later death moved to number one on my "to do" list. If I would have succeeded in my death mission I would have been 2 years short OF 40.

Some of the goals, and wishes have come true. That is, in sobriety. I was out of my mind when I wrote the list. I was employed with a company that delivered medicine around five states. It was just me, my drugs, the car and the medicine. Some of the goals are no longer important. My new bucket list will be much different.

Here are a few of the thirty-two listed out of the planned hundred. I was so high back then I couldn't even find 100 things to shoot for in my life. It saddens me. The fact that many have come to fruition over the last 4 years is gratifying.

Here we go:

1. Do God's will and find peace within myself (trying to do that every day)
2. Work better with Squeaky ( We go through seasons like everyone. Things are WAY better than in 2003)
3. See my daughter Kelly regularly ( I still don't know where she is. She is 12. I have left that to GOD.)
4. Have acceptance ( I am glad I accepted the fact that I am a REAL addict. I try to live life as it is)
6. Try acting and comedy (Those dreams have and are coming true)
7. Teach others ( I share my testimony of overcoming obstacles with the help of friends wherever I can)
8. Publish something I write ( Soul Parole and a Poem about Bill Murray have made that dream come true)
12. Work for myself (that one has been realized in sobriety)
14. Save a life (I have been told the book has inspired people to change their lives for the better, That's cool)
17. Donate to charity more ( The 2012 "Extra Hands of Hope" clothing drive for Urban7 begins soon)
19. Get paid to be funny (I have been paid to do comedy. Performing at fundraisers pays me more)
32. Sign an autograph (Dreams of stardom then and something I am uncomfortable doing each time)

There are plenty of material goals on the list. Those are not as important to me in sobriety, as they were lost in addiction. I always thought things, people and different circumstances would spark my desire to get clean. Nothing could, or would, until I surrendered and realized I couldn't get clean on my own.

As I look at the list of 32, I see that I made it past 40 with God's help. I got sober with the help of others like me. I achieved personal goals because I worked hard, and found faith in my sobriety. I don't have to go it alone EVER now. I achieved over 30 %. That is really cool. I am starting another bucket list now. I have also written out a gratitude list. As long as I have gratitude for what I have the other stuff is just icing on my life cake....

But for the grace of GOD...There go I....



SOUL PAROLE: Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself is on sale NOW at Amazon.com and Amazon Europe. Please visit tommyconnolly.com by clicking the link at the top of the page. The book will be available on Kindle in September, 2012.

Proceeds benefit Chicago Area addiction, homeless and mental health programs.

Make Me An Offer I Can't Forget

We held garage sales over the last 2 weekends. Most have held sales of their own. If you're like me, you have visited a few. When I stop at one, I'm certain that I'm going to find a Ming Vase, or an original copy of the Declaration of Independence tucked behind one of those bug eyed, fuzzy kitty posters.

Once I found a sterling silver chalice. I quickly snapped it up. The ornate engravings and elaborate swirls wrapped around the cup in beautiful detail. I was certain that King Arthur had sipped wine from it. It might even be the Holy Grail! I looked up the stamped marking on the bottom. It was from Egypt and worth $1.99. I bought it for a buck. I doubled my money. I'm ready for Suburban Pickers I reckon! My imagination is sparked when I see glimpses into peoples lives laid out on the tables before me.

Preparation for a hoarders blowout is tiring. After the items have been labeled as keep, sell or toss the adventure has just begun. All of the booty is moved into the garage staging area. Card and camping tables  are round up to display the treasures on.

Cable television has permeated my psyche. I had visions of Martha Stewart chastising me for my lack of style and product placement. I organized the artifacts like Dr. Jones would at a museum exposition featuring items from the Temple of Doom. I  created groupings on the tables to make visitors shopping experience more enjoyable. My final presentation would make the DIY girls giggle with envy.  There were housewares to the left, and sporting goods to the right. The yard was divided into a men's and women's section.

As my wife and I went through the boxes we went through a range of emotions. There were nick-knacks that should have been tossed years before, there were broken cups and plates that had been casualties of basement living. Some of the discoveries were things stuffed away, instead of thrown away.

We had purchased a lot of things together. They had sentimental value, but we no longer had room for them in the basement. Many were items we couldn't even recall buying. We about statues and glass dolphins. Each one took us on a nostalgic journey through our time together.

Most of the romantic bears and hearts were gifts I had presented as offerings of forgiveness after I did something stupid. As Ron White says, "I was stuck on stupid," for a long time. I came across my son's first baseball glove and fondly relived the day I had gotten it for him.

Over the years I have been collecting the kids crafts and putting them in to a box. There are Popsicle stick creations and macaroni faces smiling up from the glitter covered box bottom.  From hand made "whatever they were" to certificates of achievement, I had been socking them all away over the years.

While we were organizing I told Squeaky about the box. She had packed away some of the kids stuff as well. She was touched by my sentimental stash of childhood memories. I think, over the years, I had been filling the secret box as a small gesture, recognizing that even though my mind wasn't always there, my heart was still ticking

The sale began with a bang! I had set signs out at every entrance to our subdivision like political signs. For the first few hours I sold little insulted at the paltry offers for such amazing treasure. Many of the product offerings were methodically removed off the sales floor by some mysterious force as the weekend went by. If you can keep a secret. I just couldn't let go of some of our memories for fifty cents! I started another box! I made room for it in my office.

Garage sales are like life. We have to clean out some of the clutter to make our living space more manageable. We can't hold on to everything. It's impossible. There will be new things bought and received. Some will end up in future garage blow out sales.

Change is really tough sometimes, even when you know it's the right thing. Objects have no feelings. They create them in us. Some wax nostalgic as we see them daily. Yet others get passed by without notice. Things come and go. Memories are forever. There were many items sold that I couldn't hold on to any longer, that I will never forget.

No one can steal my joy, or my memories. As long as I'm growing, new memories will enhance the old ones. I can't live in the past or I won't move forward. Glancing back at it is good. Living in it gets me nowhere.

Financially the sale was a success. The remaining items will go to Goodwill and a Joliet Area Recovery Club. It makes me feel good that my treasures will soon be someone else who needs a few.

P.S. If anyone needs any old wooden spoons or coffee cups, let me know....


SOUL PAROLE: Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself is on sale NOW at Amazon.com and Amazon Europe. Please visit tommyconnolly.com by clicking the link at the top of the page. The book will be available on Kindle in September, 2012.

Proceeds benefit Chicago Area addiction, homeless and mental health programs.

You GIT What YOU GIVE....

The last words that the Beatles recorded, before breaking up, was taken from the Abbey Road album. A lot of people think that Let It Be was their last. That is common but incorrect. The message that closes out their final collaboration is, "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you made..." The words are right on. I am saddened when I hear it, knowing it was the end of my favorite group of all time.

Yesterday, I was leaving a film shoot at Studio City in Chicago. As I pulled out of the parking lot I noticed a haggard, dirt covered guy. He was holding up the oft seen, "HELP PLEASE" sign. First I looked away, then I rustled up a couple bucks in quarters, and gave him a Coke I had grabbed before leaving. It was a nice gesture. My thoughts before I decided to do my good deed ... were not so noble.

I never pan handled for money when I was homeless. I stole, conned and pawned my way through those days. When I saw this guy I thought to myself, "Why help him? He's just going to take the money to buy booze or dope!" I have also wondered if the guys are scamming me and cruising home in a Benz.

I was disappointed in myself  because I predetermined where my charity was going to end up and didn't approve of the possibilities. That would make it easier to drive right on by. I figured it was going down his throat, or in a vein. Aye, There's the rub.

When I buy a gift for a loved one or friend I don't stop and wonder if they are going to return it for fishing or shopping money. If that thought does arise I figure that it's okay what they do with the gift I have given. I don't care. I am grateful to have shared the gift with them. I am happy to put a smile on their face. I don't think twice of throwing a few bob into a firemen's boot, help a baseball team or High School band at the supermarket.

When it comes to gift giving within our circle of comfort, we never think, "I'll do it tomorrow," or " I'll just look away at the barbecue and act like Aunt Judy isn't standing right next to me." There is no locking of car doors in my neighborhood. I like to stay within that safety nest. It's really comfortable there. I know of a married couple who look for help on opposite sides of the expressway while their kids are in school and between their part time jobs. The economy is ravaging right now. They are wonderful people and just can't make ends meet. It must be a bitter pill to swallow.

Charity is Charity. If the person you help buys a bottle, so what. It may be the last drink they need before they sober up. It may be that they are truly in need. Why question them? The Good Samaritan didn't cross to the other side of the street, even though the man in the street was a bitter enemy. The affluent acted as if he wasn't there.

Nothing makes me feel better than when I help or inspire a friend. I try to put a smile on people's faces daily. I also try to help a stranger in a small way. There are lots of ways to share. The more you give to others, the longer you stay out of yourself. When I'm alone a fight usually breaks out. When I extend my hand and boost a fella up, I feel contented and...HAPPY!

Just for today get out of yourself. Getting out of your comfort zone is rewarding. Be grateful for what GOD has given you. More importantly, be grateful for what he hasn't. The guy who needs a dollar is worth the toll change in the cup you have in the car. We can't help everyone. The change you give, may change you. "The love you take...is equal to the love you make..."

"You'll Ride Life Into Perfect Laughter" - C.Bukowski

This is my favorite poem of all time! DO IT!

There may not be a tomorrow. BE HERE NOW!

From Pamelasblog. Credited.

Charles Bukowski – Roll The Dice

If you’re going to try, go all the

way.

otherwise, don’t even start.

if you’re going to try, go all the

way.

this could mean losing girlfriends,

wives, relatives, jobs and

maybe your mind.

go all the way.

it could mean not eating for 3 or 4 days.

it could mean freezing on a

park bench.

it could mean jail,

it could mean derision,

mockery,

isolation.

isolation is the gift,

all others are a test of your

endurance, of

how much you really want to

do it.

and you’ll do it

despite rejection and the worst odds

and it will be better than

anything else

you can imagine.

if you’re going to try,

go all the way.

there is no other feeling like

that.

you will be alone with the gods

and the nights will flame with

fire.

do it, do it, do it.

do it.

all the way.

all the way.

you will ride life straight to

perfect laughter, its

the only good fight

there is.

–

And I’m doing it

Enduring the long distance between us

Facing myself when there’s silence and darkness

Working while loosing my passion for it

Living in a city that left me long ago

Pushing time forward

Trying to live my dream

Holding my future closeby

Reading Wilde’s words

And still smiling

Because

I’m doing it!

SOUL PAROLE: Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself is on sale NOW at Amazon.com (12.95) and Amazon Europe. Personalized copies can be purchased through PAYPAL at tommyconnolly.com by clicking the link at the top of the page. 

Proceeds benefit Chicago Area addiction, homeless and mental health programs.

He Can't Parallel Park Either....

Anxiety and Faith are emotions and convictions that were created by man. The two were not encoded on  our double helix. We created them. That does not mean they aren't real. They just don't fit in with the "fight or flight" instincts we were born with.

When I was in fifth or sixth grade I had a teacher named Miss. Pester. God Rest her soul. Her full name was Minnie Pester. She was no mouse, and tossed this mick around a few times. I was terrified of her. Everyone was. As I recall she was about a hundred years old. She had bright white hair she tucked up into a perfect bun. She wore black framed cat like glasses from which she glared down at everyone from.

I was the class clown so I spent many afternoons sitting next to Miss Pester as she taught the well behaved kids. I would peek around from the corner of her desk to make a face at a friend and POW! Miss Pester would slam my head on the drawers of the ancient wooden desk she ruled from. Sometimes I would reflect on my stupid antics performed to make friends laugh. I would quickly dispense of them. Laughter was worth the pain. Public school was different back then. She had no problem slamming the lids of our desks onto our heads, or fingers, if we were misbehaving.

Between sharing her experiences of living under covered wagons,  and my wondering how many kids she had killed over the years, she was a sturdy woman. She was a woman of faith. During our quiet time, I recall her reading endlessly from General Robert L. Scott's book, "God is My Copilot."

I would stare at the three gigantic moles on her chin as she read. They all had thick grey hairs shooting out from their cores. They taunted me as she read. It was like the Seinfeld episode, or when Austin Powers was hypnotized by a facial mole. I lived those moments. I wanted to grab one and pull it every time she scolded me. My senses fought to over ride my impulses. Her tiny ancient frame could kick my prepubescent ass!

The book title stuck with me. Over the years I came to respect Ole' Miss Pester. She was old school. Literally. I can appreciate that now. She couldn't survive in the "don't hurt the kids' feelings" school system of today. I often think a couple of Miss Pesters' are needed these days.

Another catch phrase that snared me is, "Let Jesus Take the Wheel." Carrie Underwood does an amazing job sharing a beautiful message in the song. As a comic, lots of jokes came to mind when I first heard it. I started doing a few. The punch lines were either, "don't do it in traffic", or "he can't parallel park either!" Ultimately the song is about turning over our anxiety to God and keeping the faith.

I pray. I just chat with the bug guy. Sometimes I do formal prayers. Most of the time I am sharing my worries, and asking for advice and guidance. I try to turn my cares over to him on a daily basis. I trust and have absolute faith that he will get me through any turmoil in my life.

I have to be careful when I'm turning over my faith. I still need to act. I beg for answers to my questions in MY time. I have prayed for jobs to come, then get frustrated when He doesn't make one fall out of the sky! He should know I'll take a collect call from him.! When my kids do crazy things I say to myself, " okay GOD I'm giving this to you. I'm just gonna worry about how you're going to handle it." I drive myself nuts, or worry myself into paralysis.

Miss Pester taught me what to do, and what not to do in her class. When I listened things were cool. If I ignored her warnings, I ended up with the sore head. I trust God. I thank God for waking me up each morning. HE doesn't set the alarm clock. I thank him for the food he puts on the table. I still have to shop. I tell him to take the wheel, or be my copilot. I still have to drive the car. He's going to get me to where I'm supposed to be going. I still have to get up and go, and believe I'm heading in the right direction ....





SOUL PAROLE: Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself is on sale NOW at Amazon.com and Amazon Europe. Personalized copies can be purchased through PAYPAL at tommyconnolly.com by clicking the link at the top of the page. 


Proceeds benefit Chicago Area addiction, homeless and mental health programs.

" Sweet Release, I love how you use me." - Morriso-

I love Van Morrison. Most people associate him as the singer/songwriter who penned, Gloria, Domino and Brown Eyed Girl. I agree with those who call him the Irish Bob Dylan. I see them both as poets who use songs as their medium.

I am a lyrics guy. Some folks dig a song for the tune. I tune in for the message. When I can't seem to cobble my words together effectively, I'll ask the person I'm trying to communicate with to listen to a song that better conveys what I am trying to express.That thing hanging in the back of my throat seems to change my wonderful thoughts into misunderstood ramblings.

The book release party for Soul Parole: Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself was July 28, 2012. It was a week after the second anniversary of my father's death. I thought it was fitting to have the release around that date. He had an impact on my life more than anyone. He was usually around for me, when I was no where to be found.

Writing the book was an emotional journey. The baring of my soul on paper was liberating. It was also painful and difficult at times. Recounting the things that I regret, and am ashamed of from my past, was a closet most folks would spend a lifetime trying to keep closed. For the most part this blog was the source of the books content. "Every Day Is A Gift," reached 19,000 reads today. That is truly humbling. The fact that I've only been writing it for nineteen months makes it mind blowing.

As an author, when you present your work to the world, you're hopeful that it will be gobbled up by the masses. I was certain that friends, family, and most importantly people trying to overcome obstacles, would have it flying off the shelves. As of this writing, seventy one copies have been sold. That is far out!

So far the reviews have been positive. That is truly satisfying. A few have said it has given them hope. I hope all who read it find that it is about overcoming our past and reaching for our future, not just about my addictions.  You can plug in any word for what is holding you back into the spaces that read alcohol or drugs. We are all paralyzed by fears and obstacles that prevent us from reaching for our dreams.

The party was surreal. There were many friends and strangers on hand to enjoy the dinner and show. It is hard to grasp that people would want my signature in a pile of paper. The last time anyone asked for my autograph was when I performed at Stateville Prison. The night was a bookmark in coming full circle on my journey. I was in a dream.

As the multi-gifted Charmane Ward started the festivities with her songs of passion and faith, I was comforted by her angelic voice.The dinner was great. People were laughing. That always makes me smile. Squeaky was graciously greeting guests.Comediennes, M.J. Brown and Josie Dykas rocked the house with hilarious sets. The three ladies entertaining created a night to remember by all. Each of them are making a positive impact in their orbits.

Beyond the faithful friends who attended, I was moved by a few strangers who came out that night. A woman, whose son is fighting addiction and recovery, called to see if she could get tickets at the door. She thought the book would inspire him to stay in recovery. That young man made me realize that my work was making an impact. It reminded me that my sobriety is a gift. It helped me see that the writing of Soul Parole was never intended to be a book. It is meant to be a message. It will never be a best seller. It is not a recovery handbook. That one has been written.

Reality and the wreckage of my past hit me full in the face as well. Not a single one of my family attended. It left me feeling wounded. I see how much damage I have done over my twenty eight year run. My In-Laws came. I looked out over the many who attended and realized family goes beyond flesh and blood. That reinforced how close we have grown together. The hits didn't stop there.

Just as I had sat down to greet the people lining up to have the book signed, our alarm went off at the house. I have read about burglars breaking into homes when people post their vacation or travel plans on Facebook, or in other public forums. Our dogs yelping had set off the alarm once before. I thought that they were the source of the emergency call from the police. In fact, it was someone I know that had made an attempt to break in. That was devastating. It was mind numbing knowing that someone I loved would try such a terrible thing.

I feel a deep sense of accomplishment from fulfilling a life long dream of writing a book. You can catch your dreams as well, if you overcome your FEAR that they are possible. That doesn't mean that there won't be hurddles. It does not mean that realities won't impede your journey.

The signing was a personal success. WE raised two hundred and fifty dollars for an area recovery club. The emotions created in me from the attempted break in, and the fact that none of my family attended leveled the playing field. God keeps my feet on the ground. I still have a long journey in trying to amend my past. Some relationships seem broken beyond repair. Time will tell. As long as I keep my side of the street clean, I can live free of guilt. I am responsible for one half of a hundred percent of the relationships I have in this world.

My favorite Van Morrison Album is The Philosopher Stone. I can listen to it endlessly. One song in particular, I Have Finally Come to Realize, rocks me to my core. In the lyrics Morrison sings," I have finally come to realize, a child don't do what I have done. Cut my nose to spite my face. I'm just one tiny, tiny grain of sand. Oh, sweet release, I love how you soothe me, and when I let go, I love how you use me...It's in the doing that we find, a certain way we can live our lives, and obtain some peace of mind."

The book release showed me where I stand in the world. It also pointed me on my continuing journey to spread some hope. Happiness is a choice. No one can make it for us. No one can steal it from us, unless we let them. Others share emotions that enhance our happiness. Sometimes they inflict some pain. We all do. It's the human condition. My attitude toward adversity and treasuring life, can not be touched by anyone. I choose life. I want to make people smile. It makes me smile. I have wonderful friends. I am blessed, and rich  beyond my wildest dreams.

God is always working in my life whether I'm tuned in or not. Every once in a while he throws me a curve. Sometimes I hit a home run. Sometimes I strike out. I will always step up to the plate. I'm grateful to have others on my team. I am glad to be a messenger. As Van would say, "It's in the doing that we find...."


SOUL PAROLE: Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself is on sale NOW at Amazon.com and Amazon Europe. Personalized copies can be purchased through PAYPAL at tommyconnolly.com by clicking the link at the top of the page. 

Proceeds benefit Chicago Area addiction, homeless and mental health programs.

"Is It Me...or a Moment?" - Roger Daltry

I remember when I was growing up, and my parents did something wrong, I thought it was high treason punishable by death! If I did something wrong, it was just a mistake and should be forgotten. For some strange reason, I thought parents weren't human. No. Humans went in one column, parents went in another. They were held to a strict double standard.

They were to dismiss my wrongs. I licked up theirs like an all day sucker. I kept a mental diary of all of their faults. Some were hurtful actions and failings, others were just resentments I held against them for not seeing things MY WAY. They had no feelings! I wasn't to be held accountable or judged based on my behavior! I knew everything! My screw ups were different!

As parents we don't keep lists. We have been where our kids are. They think we were hatched, or beamed down from a distant galaxy... just before THEY were born. When we share our experiences with them they look at us as old fashioned, preachy and hypocritical. They say, "times are different now," and that "they just don't understand." Advice burns like hot pokers in their ears. I remember that those hot pokers burnt mine closed for years.

Parents see things from both sides of the fence. Sometimes we are the good cop, on other days the bad one. We too, reflect on things we wish we had handled differently during our kids tender years. We also see where we were wrong in our youth. Some incidents trouble us greatly. We wish we could have a mulligan. Time makes memories clearer when we take an honest look back at what we have said and done. There are regrets for actions taken, and those that were not.

Each of us has a mental time freeze on an age our parents never out grow.  My parents were frozen at around thirty five. When they reached their sixties, I was shocked! I wondered what had happened to their calendars? Theirs didn't match mine! My God! They're old!

 Sometime around thirty, I started seeing my folks as humans. I realized that much of the advice they offered was right. I began to see that my perceptions of their wrongful actions were based on their fear for my safety and guidance. They had not been hatched. They moved into the human column with a parental asterisk. They really did know a lot about life. They weren't clueless.

I understood that they really had already experienced the pains and tribulations of growing up. I had been a bit hypocritical in my assessment of them. They had parents! Grandma and Grandpa had a couple as well!

I did make mistakes as a kid and parent. I still do. Check that! As a human being, sometimes I fail. I know we each share common ground in our victories and failures. I know there is no double standard... we all try our best....

SOUL PAROLE: Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself is on sale NOW at Amazon.com and Amazon Europe. Personalized copies can be purchased through PAYPAL at tommyconnolly.com by clicking the link at the top of the page. 


Proceeds benefit Chicago Area addiction, homeless and mental health programs.