Look at ME Dammit!

One of the biggest struggles I face as a recovering addict and man is balance. In addiction there is only black and white. The grey area of life does not exist. There is only yes or no, right or wrong, my way or the highway. I tend to live my life either swinging dangerously from the highest branch on the tree of life or clinging desperately to the trunk, afraid to slide out on a limb even a foot.

At the core of my being is a desire to be liked and loved by the whole world. This isn't restricted to the people who make up my circle of friends, family and acquaintances. I want people in the most remote villages nestled in the mountains of Tibet, who don't even know me to love me. Of course it's irrational. It is, however, the way I want the world to be.

The paradox of this desire to be accepted and loved is that it is not required that I love, or even like everybody. Add to that the fact that if you love me too much I will begin to think I don't deserve it and push you away and the complexity of my addicted mind and how I have problems functioning in relationships becomes clearer in its fuzziness.

I have read in recovery literature that alcoholics and addicts have big egos and poor self-esteem. That fits me to a T. I don't think very much of myself but I am often all I think about. It is unintentional. It gets better daily but it is still there. I am still childlike in my desire to hear the parental-like words of my fellows ring in my ears, "Tommy you're a good boy. You did real good. I'm proud of you."

At 45 it seems silly to be seeking such simple affirmation from those around me. I know I am loved. I am confident that I am a useful messenger of God. I see that I am growing in my husbandry, fathering and friendship skills. I know I am doing the right things with my life for the right reasons and my motives are noble and honest. Yet why this need for adulation and adoration?

I have that same black and white effect on people when they meet me. They either think I'm funny, genuine and a sincerely likable guy or an egotistical prick. There's no grey area here either. I have a God given look on my face that says step away. When I talk and walk it is with bravado and cock sureness. I picked up these skills early in life as a facade to mask the fear that crippled me inside. It was a survival method and a way to throw the dogs off the scent of my internal insecurities. I didn't want you to see that when it came to living life I was clueless.

When I was on the street using, the "warning do not approach" looks were great because the underworld of addicts is filled with people who are looking for your weakness to prey upon. They are like lions looking for those they can devour. By appearing poker faced I was left alone for the most part. I could also control, manipulate and use those around me with a glare or stare to get what I wanted to continue to use.

Fast forward to now and I am a few years sober after 28 years of chemical delusion. I am a man child at times. On most days I perform the tasks of a 45 year old decently and by the book of how things should be done correctly. There are other days that I am a kid like Tom Hanks in "BIG" standing in front of the mirror as an 11 year old in a man's suit. He is perplexed at recognizing the suit and knowing he is a man yet trapped in the body of the small boy staring back at him.

My career has been amazingly successful in the last year. Moving from the comedy stage to extra work and now feature roles is a blessing I am grateful for. I have worked very hard to get so far so fast. The gifts of a sense of humor and acting are God given. Some of my acting skills were learned from my years on the streets running and gunning, trying to score or being people that I wasn't. I have lost so much of my life to addiction. I am a man driven to succeed and share my success stories of hopelessness to success with those still suffering, hoping they provide inspiration to seek help and recover.

Where things get lost in translation is that people judge others by their actions and not their intentions. This is reality and the way all of life is. I may mean well and have a bigger picture in my head but often all that comes out of my mouth is me,me,me. That is what the world is going to draw their conclusions about ME from. It really is quite simple but not everyone reads my blog or knows I'm in recovery. Some do and have overcome great obstacles of their own and don't give a hoot. To them it reads as a big "look at me" post!

I think that posting something online about a project I have landed is encouraging to a person based on my 28 years of addiction. In that context it is. But not everyone who reads my posts knows of my journey and lost decade. My wall looks like a running ad for Narcissist Weekly! I lose sight of the fact that my addiction story is inspiring but we are all trying to fight for jobs and all have stories of success to share.

There are only a few people I need to worry about when it comes to how they feel about me. They are God, my family, friends and me. I need to share the triumphs of those around me that inspire me. There are so many. I may look and act a certain way but I can't control how I look. I can, however, change the way I act.  Inside I am a good and decent man. My mouth is the troublemaker!

I will end by saying that I am a human, prone to mistakes. I am an addict in recovery learning to switch from me to we. I am glad that I am open mined enough to see and learn. I am grateful to be alive and am always willing to share with others my growing pains and share my success and failures. Thanks to you for your love, dislike or indifference but mainly for being with me on this journey. I have so much to learn and so many teachers to draw from.