Set the Date

This is a chapter that was omitted from the final draft. Funny how we all set dates.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Resolution.....Shmezolution......Evolution a Revolution...Us Not Me

Welcome to 2011! If some of the experts, and talking heads are right, and the Mayans quite ahead of their time, we only have 2 years until the "End of Days." Scary stuff. If you believe that, stop paying into your 401k now. Why not spend the money? Spend the kids college fund and join a commune. I wish the days of Woodstock and Haight/Ashbury were here again. There was a sense of "US" not "ME". "Well it's one, two, three what are we fighting for...." Country Joe was darn near Nostradamus with that little ditty.

As an addict dates are an essential part of using and recovery. New Year's Eve is a particular favorite. "I'm gonna kick tomorrow...," as Perry Ferrell, of Jane's Addiction, cries in "Jane Says." On TV there are weight loss and exercise commercials every other ad. There is even a piece of exercise equipment available now that reminds me of nights alone in my bedroom with an "Easy Rider" magazine as a Teen. It is a yearly, defined moment for changing your life. You can change your life any day you want, not just once a year at midnight.

When I was trying to kick booze I always had to have a date of significance set as my "gonna quit on" day. I'm gonna quit on my birthday. I'm gonna quit on the Anniversary of Lennon's Death..or maybe his Birth? I am gonna quit in one month from today. It was always tomorrows, never today's. Never forget addicts live in the pain of the past and insecurity of the future. I always had to have a ceremonial date to look forward to, so that date would be seered into my melon as an eternal reminder of the great change in my life. When I would reach my predetermined end date, I would just conjure up a new one farther down the road.

A predetermined date of making the changes in my life aren't on a calendar. Goals are good. Manageable, realistic goals are even better. My end date for using was when I couldn't take one more moment living with my pain anymore. The booze, and whatever, had lost it's magic touch. It was a relentless, merciless master and I heeded it's demands like a mindless zombie. I was truly going insane. My wife called me pathetic, and instead of making me angry, I agreed with her completely.

If you have set yourself up in a resolution plan starting today, be realistic. If you weigh 600 pounds and think you are going to lose 500 by summer you're in for a let down. Try eating better today. If you want to do more for charity, don't join the Peace Corp, look in the paper or Internet for something that interests you. I am an all or nothing kinda guy. If I can't be the Dalai Lama, screw it! I'm a failure. If I can't write like Hemingway I won't write at all! That's the easier way out of taking risks, so I have used excuses not to try at all.

I don't ask for God to remove my anger, or grant me patience because invariably I end up with the shits in a traffic jam, behind an elderly lady who should have stopped driving 10 years earlier. I ask that I be the best me, I can be today. I ask that I be a little better than I was yesterday. I pray that I hear God when he talks to me, and he grants me the strength to follow his wishes through. I try to do a positive thing for a human everyday, not for approval or for being seen doing good, I do it just because...and it makes me feel better.

If you are trying to make a drastic life change starting today, remember these words.  YOU CAN'T DO IT ALONE! Find a support group. There is true for every kind of lifestyle change you wish to tackle. Don't worry about next summer. Just worry about today. If you slip up don't say F-It! Reach out to friends. It takes a long time to form crazy habits and a long time to undo them. Keep things simple. I over complicate everything. That gives me an excuse for quitting once I have overwhelmed myself with too many details to be a success. I have stayed sober for two years by asking for help and not drinking today, after today, after today.

New Year's is great. Trying to better yourself is wonderful. If you need help ask for it. None of us can handle our problems on our own. When we try to, we explode or implode. Thanks for your support in reading my blog. I have over 2050 reads in 18 days. That is a miracle. Sharing with you may help you, and I know it helps me. Find a God you're not afraid to talk to. Just start with hello and forget about the grasshoppers and plagues. Find a friend to share your successes with and someone you can call when you're feeling overwhelmed. The me, me, me approach will fail everytime. The we, we, we, approach is sure to be a smashing success. Remember a man who conquers a city is great. A man who conquers himself is FREE!

Da, Can I Have A Sleepover?...Hey, Da Come Check Out My Tattoo!

When I was growing up I remember the adults in my life telling me things like "Slowdown! Life is gonna pass you by," or "The older you get, the faster the days go." I remember shrugging off these crusty old sayings and hurrying off to my next girlfriend or place I just had to be. Now I find myself saying those same things to my kids. The things I told myself I would never say to my kids come flying out of my mouth like Andy Rooney on a "60 Minutes" rant.

Some of my favorites I use are, "Don't be in such a hurry to grow up, all you have to look forward to is work." "Things were a lot different when I was a kid! We couldn't chew gum or wear shorts." "If you think you're wearing that to school, you better think again." These nuggets of wisdom seem to be in our parental DNA. Sometimes when I hear myself saying them, it seems as though they are coming out of my mouth like my father was saying them for me.

All parents, whether they admit it or not, decide the future of our kids or label them in the toddler to Elementary school age. "This one is gonna be the genius." "This one's gonna be the Go Getter." "This one is gonna be the teenage nightmare." "This one is heading for disaster." We seem to think we have them all figured out by how well they pick up their toys and how they play with the other kids around. They haven't even made it into kindergarten and we have figured out if they're heading for Harvard or as the head fry cook at Burger King!

Most of the time we are wrong. The genius is the troublemaker. The slacker is a straight A student. The one headed for disaster is organized and mature. Every once in a while we nail it right on the head. I certainly have seen that the time is flying by and the last 12 years with my kids seem like 12 weeks! When they were little I would get frustrated at how much they bothered me. Now I wish they would bother me more.

Amanda is our middle daughter. The Jan Brady if you will. I call her Sunny, because she has a smile that can light up a room. She also reminds me a lot of myself. I see the same patterns of thinking and impulsiveness that was a part of my life for so long. She is a free spirit. Just like the "Ol' Man," she definitely would have made it to Woodstock and Haight/Ashbury if she was born a few decades earlier. Thankfully she doesn't share the chemical connection with me. I can read her like a book. The good thing about our similar personalities is that when I talk to her about "grown up stuff" she usually relates to me pretty well.

Sometimes the transition from kid to young adult seems to happen overnight. This was definitely the case with Amanda. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I rolled out of bed and headed downstairs for a cup of coffee to get my day started. To my shock and surprise there was a strange woman eating Cocoa Crispies at my kitchen table. She was beautiful, curvy and the "Boob Gods" had visited her overnight. I remember pouring my coffee and acknowledging this woman at my table with a simple greeting and then went racing up the stairs to find my wife.

I found my wife in the bathroom putting on make-up and slammed the door behind me, frantic and out of breath. "Squeaky, there is a strange woman eating cereal at our kitchen table," I cried as she curled her eyelashes with some horrible looking contraption. She glanced, unmoved in my general direction and said "Honey, that's Amanda." I was horrified. I told her she had to be mistaken. This woman was built well on the top and the bottom. Our daughter is built like a board!

My Amanda is a "Tomboy" who prefers tee shirts and sweat pants to girlie stuff! Again she remarked, "Our baby is growing up." NO! I cried. Take this one back! What happened to the little, brooding, innocent child who used to play Guitar Hero and snack on bags of Doritos! I want the sleepovers and the all night giggle fests as I cooked frozen pizza and officiated the overnight festivities. I was in a tailspin, my mind was racing. I agreed that the young woman could stay but the boobs and bottom had to go back.

It all happened over night! Like the "Boob and Butt" Fairy visited my daughter's room in the dark of night and waved her magic wand, transforming my baby girl into a WOMAN. If I ever get my hands on that little so and so, I am gonna give her a good swift kick in her big Fairy butt. For the first few weeks I could only look her in the eye or shoot my gaze left or right. I couldn't bear to see those nasty boy attractors pointing my way. When she turned to walk away Bam! Right in the kisser! Her JLO bottom was following her everywhere she went.

She is 18 now. A woman by the letter of the law. Last night she came over with her boyfriend Chris and I made a wonderful spaghetti dinner for the whole brood. Remember, I am the Irishman who can make better red gravy than my Italian wife. Before we sat down to break bread she asked me if I wanted to see her tattoo. It was no big deal. I had bought her packages of Britney Spears and 'N Sync tattoos before. They were harmless fun that could be easily cleaned up with some soapy water and a little elbow grease.

I knew I was fooling myself. It was real. I was grateful that her permanent choice was that of a Celtic cross. It was done tastefully on her back shoulder and is really quite beautiful. No anger or "Daddy speeches" would make it disappear. I have 3 of the darned things. One is a Spirit shield, a tribute to my Cherokee blood. One is the earth with Celtic wings, symbolizing the world's endless possibilities and the third is a hawk flying into the moonlight. Hawks and birds of prey are my favorite animals.

She did it to me again. My baby girl is a woman now. I can give my advice but whether she takes it or leaves it is up to her. I am grateful that it is a cross, making a statement about her spiritual life. I have to bite my tongue sometimes. I want them to snap into line like when they were little. Now when they walk out the door I lose control of the decisions they make. We have raised our kids the best that we could. She didn't call from a jail or school office. She works and goes to school. She is beautiful and respectful. Most of all I am grateful that as we sat down to dinner last night she didn't say,"Da, I'm dropping out and heading for California!"

Acceptance and faith are the key to parental and personal harmony for me now. I have done all I can to raise her right. I have showed her things in life that will help her succeed and have been a living example of how to become a drunken failure. I am glad we both made it safely to the other side. She is a smart kid and I know that as parents we do our best, then roll the dice. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. I can live with her Celtic cross. Sometimes when I get angered by a boy or man looking at her in an un-Christianly way, I wish that darned "Boob and Butt" fairy would come back to our house and refund my little girl. God Bless!