Set the Date

This is a chapter that was omitted from the final draft. Funny how we all set dates.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Resolution.....Shmezolution......Evolution a Revolution...Us Not Me

Welcome to 2011! If some of the experts, and talking heads are right, and the Mayans quite ahead of their time, we only have 2 years until the "End of Days." Scary stuff. If you believe that, stop paying into your 401k now. Why not spend the money? Spend the kids college fund and join a commune. I wish the days of Woodstock and Haight/Ashbury were here again. There was a sense of "US" not "ME". "Well it's one, two, three what are we fighting for...." Country Joe was darn near Nostradamus with that little ditty.

As an addict dates are an essential part of using and recovery. New Year's Eve is a particular favorite. "I'm gonna kick tomorrow...," as Perry Ferrell, of Jane's Addiction, cries in "Jane Says." On TV there are weight loss and exercise commercials every other ad. There is even a piece of exercise equipment available now that reminds me of nights alone in my bedroom with an "Easy Rider" magazine as a Teen. It is a yearly, defined moment for changing your life. You can change your life any day you want, not just once a year at midnight.

When I was trying to kick booze I always had to have a date of significance set as my "gonna quit on" day. I'm gonna quit on my birthday. I'm gonna quit on the Anniversary of Lennon's Death..or maybe his Birth? I am gonna quit in one month from today. It was always tomorrows, never today's. Never forget addicts live in the pain of the past and insecurity of the future. I always had to have a ceremonial date to look forward to, so that date would be seered into my melon as an eternal reminder of the great change in my life. When I would reach my predetermined end date, I would just conjure up a new one farther down the road.

A predetermined date of making the changes in my life aren't on a calendar. Goals are good. Manageable, realistic goals are even better. My end date for using was when I couldn't take one more moment living with my pain anymore. The booze, and whatever, had lost it's magic touch. It was a relentless, merciless master and I heeded it's demands like a mindless zombie. I was truly going insane. My wife called me pathetic, and instead of making me angry, I agreed with her completely.

If you have set yourself up in a resolution plan starting today, be realistic. If you weigh 600 pounds and think you are going to lose 500 by summer you're in for a let down. Try eating better today. If you want to do more for charity, don't join the Peace Corp, look in the paper or Internet for something that interests you. I am an all or nothing kinda guy. If I can't be the Dalai Lama, screw it! I'm a failure. If I can't write like Hemingway I won't write at all! That's the easier way out of taking risks, so I have used excuses not to try at all.

I don't ask for God to remove my anger, or grant me patience because invariably I end up with the shits in a traffic jam, behind an elderly lady who should have stopped driving 10 years earlier. I ask that I be the best me, I can be today. I ask that I be a little better than I was yesterday. I pray that I hear God when he talks to me, and he grants me the strength to follow his wishes through. I try to do a positive thing for a human everyday, not for approval or for being seen doing good, I do it just because...and it makes me feel better.

If you are trying to make a drastic life change starting today, remember these words.  YOU CAN'T DO IT ALONE! Find a support group. There is true for every kind of lifestyle change you wish to tackle. Don't worry about next summer. Just worry about today. If you slip up don't say F-It! Reach out to friends. It takes a long time to form crazy habits and a long time to undo them. Keep things simple. I over complicate everything. That gives me an excuse for quitting once I have overwhelmed myself with too many details to be a success. I have stayed sober for two years by asking for help and not drinking today, after today, after today.

New Year's is great. Trying to better yourself is wonderful. If you need help ask for it. None of us can handle our problems on our own. When we try to, we explode or implode. Thanks for your support in reading my blog. I have over 2050 reads in 18 days. That is a miracle. Sharing with you may help you, and I know it helps me. Find a God you're not afraid to talk to. Just start with hello and forget about the grasshoppers and plagues. Find a friend to share your successes with and someone you can call when you're feeling overwhelmed. The me, me, me approach will fail everytime. The we, we, we, approach is sure to be a smashing success. Remember a man who conquers a city is great. A man who conquers himself is FREE!

I LOVE YOU...Wonderful When Heard...Stinging When Withheld...

I love you. It is such a simple phrase. A powerful one at that. It can hold you together or it can make you fall apart. I say it every day to my wife, my children and my friends. I say it to the world and mean it. There are times it is said in passing, like a tip of the hat. The times it can have the deepest impact are the times it's not said.

Growing up my grandmothers rarely, if ever, used these words. They were of a different generation I guess. Both were strong women from tough backgrounds and challenging lives lived. I knew they loved me. To hear it spoken wasn't so. A scribble in a birthday card nestled next to a crisp five dollar bill was as close to the deed as they got.

In my drinking and using days I threw "I love you's" around like raindrops. They landed upon any young woman who was the object of my desire. I desperately wanted to feel love because I felt so badly about myself. I was a love junkie. I was always the first to say those three little words. I see now how empty and shallow it was. Those are sacred words. To me they are the definition of God Himself.

As I have matured and grown in my sobriety, I have noticed a terrible habit that I have picked up from some of my family members. That is the intentional omission of the words "I love you". To me that is more harmful than a half-hearted utterance of the phrase. After reaching a resolution at the end of a disagreement with my wife she'll say "I love you" and there have been times where I have replied, "luv ya," or "ditto." Most likely because I was pouting or things weren't resolved to MY satisfaction.

There have been times when ending a phone conversation she says "I love you" as she utters her goodbye, and I merely say goodbye. This is truly a sad statement about my conduct and a reflection on what a big dumb baby I can be sometimes. I love my wife to the center of my being. Why in the name of God wouldn't I take every single opportunity to let her know that?

I know how bad it makes me feel when I tell someone I love them and they don't say it back to me. To do the same thing to others is just continuing a cycle that is fruitless and cold. Love is the most beautiful thing that we have in this world and should never be taken for granted. I would hate to walk away from someone knowing I held back those words in my selfishness and never see them again.

I know I can be corny and can be a dork. I really believe that the whole problem with this big ball we are spinning on is that we are moving away from hugging each other to getting wrapped up in ourselves. That "me-ism" might be our downfall. I have so much to learn about myself. I am glad that I can see where I am wrong and try to change things. I know I don't have to be the guy I was yesterday or an hour ago.

All You Need Is LOVE was such a simple Lennon song. Almost like a nursery rhyme in its' structure the song's simplicity is right on the money. If all you need is love and someone gives me what I need, I damn well owe it to them to give them what they need, right?

Facing Fears...Showing up....and facing the Pang's of Life...

Last Friday I did my first stage production in Joliet with the Theater Guild! The last time I was in a play was in third grade when I played a rabbit. Oh, and in first grade, I was Santa! We are doing Fred Carmichael's "Meet My Husbands." It is a comedy and very much like "I Love Lucy". It has been well received. I play Grant Griswold, the spoiler, the guy you love to hate. I haven't gotten one laugh or a peep from the audience so I must be doing okay. THEY HATE ME! The character is crass, rude, vain, smarmy, manipulative and a player. Obviously a complete polar opposite from the way I was when I was using on the streets for twenty years.

Two things really struck me about the part and doing live theater. First of all, on opening night I was absolutely terrified to the point of a panic attack. There were only 30 people in the crowd! Four days earlier I was perfectly comfortable telling jokes and my story of addiction to 300 of the toughest dudes on the planet and it didn't phase me. Now I'm in front of the neighbors and freaking out. I realized that I was out of my element and I had 8 other people on stage with me. If I fail doing stand up, it's me against the world. I can beat myself up and move on. I was afraid I would let the other actors down and it was really freaking me out. Robin Christopher and Mo the Stage Manager, Luke, Yvonne, Michael, Jacqueline, Devon, Laurel and Joe all helped me as a team. They were all there for me.

Saturday, I also did my first real speaking role in a film called "Chasing Hollywood" being shot here in the Windy City. Check YouTube, there are trailers up. My role was a lot of fun. I made my way back to the theater in time for my role as the hated Grant Griswold. I also made contact with an extraordinary woman over the last 10 day that will put this into perspective, I hope. We are all messengers and we all have roles to play. Some, we play unwittingly and deliver the message not realizing we are doing it. Some messages we deliver like diatribes, preplanned and packaged to be dumped on our loved ones, friends or co-workers.

Sometimes we know we have a tough job or message to deliver or road to go down and we face it with dignity and grace as best as we can. Kerry faced the death of her husband with grace and took it farther by taking in sweet Misty, a foster child with truly special needs. They saved each other's lives. Kerry could have walked away. Apathy is humanity's most pervasive sickness as far as I'm concerned. I was an inch away from cancelling my gig with the Comedy/Faith Outreach at Statesville but the reasonable voice in my melon said I couldn't do it. It ended up being one of the most memorable and inspirational days of my life.

Being a messenger can be just being there. Sometimes it's huge. Other times it's just a smile. Sometimes it's adopting a foster child. It might be giving hope and a laugh to some guys who may never see freedom again. It may be being with someone you love, knowing in your heart that the story is going to have an unhappy ending and staying anyway. My wife stayed with me when I was drunk, pissing the bed, screaming, useless and pathetic. She saw something in me I didn't have the capacity to grasp. She calls it an aura. I'll let her explain that in another blog.

Everyone knows that I am a Beatles fan but I'm a John Lennon Freak. His music was light years ahead of its time. His activism unmatched, his complexity noted, his genius real and his passion to the bone. Through some luck and some messages I became friends with May Pang, Lennon's companion and love during the so called "Lost Weekend Years" of 1973-1975. May was hand picked by Yoko Ono to look after John and keep him out of trouble for a while. She did all that, and more. I had a "Lost Decade." May inspired John and was much more than a personal assistant. They were the real deal. From everything I have read, John was playing pretty hard out in California and May kept him growing, writing and getting himself together for creating some of his best stuff.

The point of bringing her up is to first thank her for her generosity in the memorabilia we have spoken of that she is sending me. I truly loved John. I feel her love for him. She had to know there was going to be an end of the line. The proverbial crash into the brick wall was inevitable. I wouldn't dare ask her that but she knew. I feel he loved her too. Look at the pictures from then of him with her and Ringo, George, Harry Nillson, Keith Moon and the whole crazy crew. John looked really happy again. May stayed for all 15 rounds until the knock out and still walks around with dignity and grace, respecting his memory and legacy straight down the line. Her new book "Instamatic Karma" is filled with her photos and cool insights. Hopefully, she will be in Chicago soon. She has also inspired me to launch the "Every Day Is A Gift Radio Blog." Coming soon! Details by May.

From Kerry to May, to you, and you, and you! We all have something positive to add to the world. Sometimes it's saying the right thing or nothing at all. Sometimes it's climbing a mountain or having the cocoa ready at the bottom. It may be building a castle or holding a nail. It can be just being there when you don't want to be. It can be facing your fear when you're dying to run. It can be sticking it out when you know there's a chance you're going to run into a brick wall. Karma is simple. You get out what you put in. If you live in apathy don't be shocked that no one cares what's going on in your world. MAKE LIFE HAPPEN! HAVE A DAY! That felt good. Let's try that again after we go make someone smile.

Angels and Dreamin's.......What Dreams I See....

I have written 3 past chapters about angels, dreams, near death experiences and visitations. I am a firm believer in heaven and hell. So if there are good angels, there has to be bad ones too. I am not crazy. It is a part of my faith and the Bible says God created angels before man. He also said that the bad ones intermingled with humans. That made him real mad! I believe there are good and bad spirits that walk among us. I believe there are some, who for whatever reason, are trapped in limbo between our reality and other dimensions.

I have been interested in dreams and dream manipulation since I was a little boy. I dream in color. My Bing research says that between 4 and 75% of people dream in color. That's a pretty big range. Where do you fall? My further research says that we dream between 4 and 7 times per night. The theories as to why we dream range from long term memory building, data dumping and telepathic/prophetic experiences. I really don't care about the facts. I just love to dream.

I first got into dreams when I was about 7 or 8. I was watching the Donahue show and this lady was explaining that the best way to remember your dreams, or cue them, is to put a pad of paper by the bed and when you wake up from the dream write down a word, a number and a color and go back to sleep. I tried this process for a couple nights but it didn't help me remember. I do keep a pad of paper by my bed to jot down a note or theme when I wake up. The most effective thing for me has been to simply try to remember and retrieve the dream when I first wake up before I have even gotten out of bed.

My dreams were like what most folks have and usually involved flying or falling. I still remember when I would soar over my neighborhood, just above the tree tops and look at the tiny village of Mokena below. I have never flown over the village in a plane but my dreams were remarkably accurate in their geographic layout. The more I relaxed in the dream the longer the flights. I had no wings. It was just like the film "The Boy Who Could Fly." I enjoy that film to this day. I didn't take off vertically. My flight started from a run, then into a horizontal take off.

Strangely enough, when I dream of falling those dreams are in black, white and grey. They are short, abrupt and I usually wake up. As a young one I learned to comprehend that I was dreaming, while I was in the middle of one. This still happens for me about half of the time I dream. If I try to engage a person or shift the dream I wake up. If I just flow with the dream, and don't try to manipulate the plot, I am able to experience it fully aware that I am in a dream and enjoying the ride.

The subject of my dreams over the last few years revolve around malls, train stations, airports and shopping markets. I don't know why or care but I do have the ability to enjoy the trip. The more open minded you are to your dreams and remembering them, the stronger your ability to remember them gets.
The key is to make it a habit to try to remember a scene when you wake up. Don't try to remember the whole thing immediately or you will forget everything. Take a snapshot in the dream and when you wake up try to focus on the picture and the other elements will fill themselves in. The pad of paper with one written word also helps.

I dream frequently about fish; swimming fish, like coy or trout. I am never trying to catch them. They are just a part of my dream scape. I also have dreams of my teeth falling out in front of people while I am conversing with them. Some of my dreams are easily traced to a program I have watched earlier or a book I am reading, other times they are random. I have practiced enough that every time I am dreaming, I am conscious of the fact that I am in the middle of one.

The coolest thing that happens in my dreams is when my father appears. When I say my prayers I ask God if it would be possible for him to let my dad visit me that night in my dreams. Quite often it works. He is not sick or passing messages to me. He is just another co-star in the dream. Since I have some cognizant knowledge that I am dreaming, it is really cool to see him and talk to him. When he appears there is also a car in the dream. My dad was in the car business for years and he always brings one to my dreams.

After I have taken a scene or snapshot from my dream, when I am not fully awake, I take a few seconds to see if I can remember more. I don't dwell too long on the scene or I tend to forget the whole thing. Throughout the day I revisit the mental snapshot and more pieces come into my conscious reality. I hope this doesn't sound like Syd Barrett's autobiography. I really believe in dream recall and have worked on it for years. Most of the dreams are positive but sometimes very troubling. That is the good part about being partially conscious that I'm dreaming. If it's bad I know I am in a dream and not reality.

I don't know where dreams come from or why we have them. I know they have a purpose. Again, I go back to the fact that us humans use such a small part of our brain capacity, I know there is a dream decoder in there somewhere. I know I love to see my dad alive again and am happy when he shows up. Last night I dreamed I was a John Lennon imitator in a Beatles cover band that featured the real Paul McCartney. In the dream I asked him for his autograph 4 times as we sat in a hotel room waiting for a gig.

That dream I can connect to an ongoing verbal jousting contest I have with my mate Ian, on who was more influential, John or Paul. I say John. He picks Paul. I am also in the process of selling a drum set on EBay. Again there is the mental connection. I am glad I remember even the silliest dreams. Take some time with your dreams. Relax and try to be aware that you are in fact dreaming. It takes practice but gives me great comfort and enjoyment. I don't try to get lotto numbers from them or read the future. I just go for the ride, and what a long strange trip it's been.