When I Lose My Balance...Everyone falls....Today I get Back Up!

When you have a condition you learn to live with it or in denial of it. For years I lived in denial that I was an alcoholic or, more specifically, that I had some underlying depression issues that were impacting my life. Part of the reason I used was to slow my racing mind down to a level so that I could sit comfortably in my own skin. Most addicts and alcoholics don't realize they are self-medicating to relieve the underlying condition. I know I didn't.

Being a funny guy, I knew I sometimes had the "blues" and other times got a little too wound up. I really didn't think that I had an actual neurological condition or malfunctioning mind. The round pegs were trying to slam themselves into square holes in my melon and I did what I had to do to relieve myself of the discomfort. That was to seek distraction through a variety of addictions some chemical, others human, pornographic, culinary, animated. The list goes on ad infinitum. All of them were to relieve the chaos of my thinking mind with different chaos.

Being a well read, fairly intelligent guy the proposal that there was somehow something "not right" with my "thinker" was horrifying. I was diagnosed as having some manic characteristics and depression in 1999. I was prescribed Lithium which made me angry. I wasn't drinking, but smoking pot and the depression was soon replaced with irritation and short temperateness. The fact that I wasn't drinking allowed me to overlook the horrible side effects that the medication had on me. It never dawned on me that not all medications work on all people, or react differently in each patient. When the discomfort became too much I eliminated the drug and I added booze into the mix with my weed and speed.

On Father's Day I woke up anxious. It was my first without my dad. I was off to a racing start emotionally. Squeaky, Hem and I went to the flea market and it was crowded. I was doing my best to please them both. People pleasing is another part of my personality profile. I was quick with the tongue, sharp with the wit, some of it stinging. I was in a mildly manic state, plain and simple.

The confusing paradox of mania is that it can be quite useful at some times. At moments, when managed and organized, I can get quite a bit done. It is also difficult at times for me to recognize it because I am a high functioning person. I am not classic manic. I am actually 2 levels below that. I have more depression issues than manic ones. I have never had a true manic episode. However, I have had full blown depression. That I think is in the family bloodline.

I tended to the girls and scurried about and was quiet or short in my responses. I cooked on the grill and rambled at dinner. I was taken aback when I went up to kiss my wife and tell her that I was going to a recovery meeting that she snapped and said I had been a f***ing pr**k all day. I was genuinely blind sided by her comment. Being in an irritable state I got pouty and left for the meeting, tail firmly lodged between my legs, bemoaning my father's death and nurturing the martyrdom of MY Father's Day being ruined by her comments.

The meeting made me feel better and I thought about my behavior and that of the days prior. Had I been short tempered? Aloof? Isolating? A victim? Critical? Selfish? The honest answer was yes. I have enough sobriety and insight into my disease, healthy and unhealthy behaviors to assess my actions and go from there. I returned home and my daughter said, "Daddy, you were a bit manic today." Those words were much more productive and useful for me to work with than my wife's but I held no grudge. She is recovering from surgery and was venting.

I called my doctor in the morning and we reviewed my prior day's behavior and medication regiment. I had missed my last appointment and we had moved to a new med since our meeting 4 months prior. I didn't realize that the medication was meant to be slowly increased to reach the optimal therapeutic level. I was just glad that my depression was gone and I was active again. The meds were adjusted and one was removed permanently. I felt better. The family felt better and today I feel great. I feel like me.

I have come to realize that I am not nuts, just a little wacky. I am cool with that. I prefer it actually. That is my gift and my identity. God made me this way. The round pegs are going in the round holes. I do need to stay on top of my moods and behaviors. Medications lose their effectiveness after awhile. That is an unfortunate reality of my condition. I plead with you to educate yourself on depression and mental disorders.

Aside from the heart, the brain does the most work but gets such little respect. A friend of mine who suffers from depression said a person recently asked him if he heard voices. That is funny and sad at the same time. The way our society looks at a person with a brain that is not dialed right as defective baffles me.

Here are a few folks you may know who suffered or suffer from Manic Depression. Would you call them Nuts? The list includes Mozart, Winston Churchill, Ted Turner, Jim Carrey, Tom Waits, Isaac Newton, Walt Whitman, Cary Grant, Abe Lincoln, Vincent Van Gogh, Francis Ford Coppola, Drew Carey, Mark Twain, Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Ralph Waldo Emerson, T.S. Elliot, Robert E. Lee. I'll hang with that crowd any day.

We fear what we do not understand. Educate yourself and free yourself from fear. God Bless.

"There'll Be Jelly Beans For Tommy..Colored Eggs For Sister Sue!"

Monday is going to be a very big day for me. We will get back to that because I am hoping that it will be the start of a new era and growth for the direction of my mission and intention of where I wanted this chapter to go.

I am not apologizing for any of my chapters. There is no need to. I share my story; that's what makes it mine. I tell it like it is as it comes out of me. I certainly am not Hemingway or some wordsmith. I am just a guy trying to stay sane and sober in a crazy world. I share my pain and the mundane, maybe the inane. The point is that I lay it out there. I share what people strain and fight desperately to hide from the world and deny to themselves and their family. I am an easy mark. I will continue to do exactly as I am doing. This is not required reading. Snookie's blog and Charlie Sheen world is right down the Internet dial.

Sometimes I do chase my tail. That is life. Sometimes I do fall into old thinking, I make mistakes, I get angry, I cry, I pout, I am a human. I have been around recovery long enough to know that you can't live in chaos for 20 plus years and come out of it the picture of ideal mental health in a few short years. I live and work on my weak points daily, sometimes moment to moment. I would like to point out that I have never mentioned how or where I go to recovery. I spent too many years, not walking away. That brings me to Monday.

Starting Monday, "Every Day Is A Gift NOW" is moving to the wonderful world of Internet talk show radio. The show can be found at www.blogtalkradio.com. The first show will run for 30 minutes from 9:30am to 10am central time. Enter "Every Day Is A Gift NOW" w/Tommy Connolly and the show will pop up. Then you can call in and TALK LIVE. I am looking forward to the comments, experiences, success stories and recovery that my readers can bring to the show.

I will also be bringing on guests who have dealt with addiction and depression, plus I will be making a complete left turn. The show will also talk about the possibilities and new life that sobriety brings. I will be interviewing comics, actors, filmmakers, real folks with inspiring stories like Kerry and Misty. I will also address the stigma and misinformation that surrounds addiction and mental disorders. I am really stoked about it.

God sends us messengers with messages. I look forward to what God has in store for me in this new season. I remember when we were kids we would play "ding-dong-ditch." We would ring the bell and run. The owner would come to the door frustrated that there was nothing he could do. The new radio show will end the "ding-dong-ditch" syndrome for "Every Day Is A Gift." I lay my opinions on the line and my passion flows deep and real. Now all of you can call in with questions, criticism, answers, ideas or inspiration. The possibilities are endless. Happy Easter. God Bless Each and Every one of you. Talk to you Monday.

I'm The One with Depression and Anxiety! So Why Are You So Uncomfortable? #2

Please remember I am not speaking as an expert or doctor. These are my observations, experiences and opinions on the subject. Depression and anxiety are a part of my life. Originally diagnosed as Bi-Polar, I am now classified as having depression, panic attacks and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. For those of you who suffer from these conditions, it makes me sad! Sorry, I couldn't resist a depression joke laid at my feet. It's a comedian thing. I take medication on a carefully maintained schedule and visit a clinical nurse practitioner several times a year to review my progress and correct dosages as needed. This is a shout out to Dr. T! You gave me my life back! Dr. T is a made up term like "Doctor Love," as sung by Kiss.

For the last two years of my drinking I was suffering from panic attacks. When I was younger I thought that these attacks were a figment of the imagination or a cry for attention. I have been enlightened over these last few years and have learned to keep them manageable with the help of Dr T. I also did a lot of research on the subject on my own. It is my feeling that the more I know about my conditions, the more I can recognize their symptoms and can take positive steps to reduce or prevent their full blown onset.

In college, the mother of one of my friends suffered from panic attacks. We would prepare to leave for church or a predetermined destination and set out on our trip. On a few occasions she would begin to turn pale and shout, "Stop the car I want to go home!" She was in complete hysterics. I was uneducated on these dramatic outbreaks and would sit silently thinking, she just didn't want to go and creating the drama was her way out. To that person I am sorry for my insensitive, ill informed conclusions. I wish I knew then what I know now about panic and the debilitating effect it can have on a person.

I was a huge "Soprano's" fan. Who can forget the panic episodes of Tony lying by the pool or collapsing in his shrink's office certain he was dying? Some probably thought to themselves that he was just having a nervous breakdown or feeling the guilt about his career activities. That is not the case. There is no medical condition formally referred to as a nervous breakdown. There are psychological irregularities and chemical imbalances that can cause a person to have a depression or anxiety induced episode.

If you have someone in your life who suffers from panic, or you have it yourself, don't dismiss it as being drama or nerves. A panic attack is in the mind of the sufferer but it presents itself in physical symptoms. For me those symptoms have included: a feeling of impending doom, an inability to breathe, a racing heartbeat, flushing or clammy skin, tunnel vision, shaking and most usually a feeling that I was gonna freak out in front of everybody or make a mad dash for the exit of wherever I was at the time.

Panic attacks can lead to heart attacks and even death. That's not mental! That's as physical as it gets! When someone has diabetes we don't look at them and say to ourselves, "Look there goes the diabetic kid." When we know that someone has a mental condition we think and say things like,"That dude is nuts," or "I heard that chick's crazy." How unfair and unrealistic. For the reader that falls into that camp, I can assure you if you ever experience a full onset panic attack, you will never forget it.

The American psyche is the most open-minded in the world. But when it comes to conditions like depression and panic disorder we remain stuck in "the world is flat" mentality. We think nothing of the man who takes a pill to help him when the "situation is just right." We condone the use of sleep medications for those with insomnia as a necessary helper to cope with our frenetic lifestyle. Medication for osteoporosis is hawked as being practical and we smile at the thought of Grandma having strong bones and a straight spine. But when we hear of someone reaching out for help for depression or anxiety, mental pictures of a cuckoo going in and out of a clock fill our minds. This stigma and dogma-like approach to those suffering make them fear reaching out for help and is closed minded nonsense. There is nothing more frustrating to me when experiencing a bout with depression than when someone chimes in with a quip like, "Why don't you just snap out of it?" WOW! I never thought of that! Thanks, Mr. Peters!

No one wants to think of themselves as crazy. We aren't! There are few that embrace the pain of those suffering from these conditions because of their own fears of being labeled as "the guy married to the nutty wife." If your eye hurts, go to an ophthalmologist. If your foot, hurts go to a podiatrist. If your mind seems off kilter, go to a psychologist or medical professional whose area of expertise is the mind.

Many people use alcohol and drugs to mask or relieve underlying conditions of depression and anxiety. This prescription is a temporary fix and can lead to further physical and psychological complications. I had gone through enough pain and feelings of doom and insanity that I was more than ready to seek help for my inner turmoil. Today my panic, anxiety and depression are controllable. They may never go away but I can live effectively with them now.

I started seeing Dr. T a few months into my sobriety. We experimented with different medications until the right formula was created to make living my life normally a possibility. It is not always easy. I have down days and feel the build of anxiety that precede a panic attack occasionally. The difference is that anxiety doesn't dominate my day or paralyze me from participating in it to the fullest. By embracing the truth of my depression and anxiety, like I have my alcoholism, it gives me great relief to know that I am not a nutty bar. I just have a chemical imbalance that medication can rebalance. I am not condoning or condemning prescription therapy, especially self-prescribed medical therapy. I just want to let you know that you're not alone and relief can be found with outside help. Once again YOU CAN'T DO IT ALONE!

In the 2 years that I have been in depression and anxiety therapy my life has gone to places I never thought possible. I have done comedy from New Orleans to Chicago, I have appeared in 2 TV series and 2 movies. I have started this blog and am a contributor on a radio show. That is not braggadocio. It is a testimony to the endless possibilities that facing my depression has opened up to me. Today I know I'm not crazy. I seek help when I need it and I can live peaceably with myself and others. The war in my mind is over. I survived the battle. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. It will save your mind and maybe even your life.