At the risk of sounding like James Frey's confession of adding fictional flare to his semi-non-fictional story of pain and addiction, I have to make a confession that is the opposite of his. It is an admission of holding back facts in my story. To fully understand the following chapter you will have to go back to my chapter "I Was Dead but Didn't Die." My comparison to Frey is that I left a part OUT about my attempted self termination. It was a fact that I didn't think added to my story and I didn't want you to think I was cruel to animals. Nothing could be further from the truth. I now regret the omission, and am eager to share everything. Now that I am writing about my "Near Death" experience and unexplained encounters, not of this dimension, it must be recorded.
There was no thoughts of misleading the reader. I just wasn't prepared to tell the whole story of that night. It was hard enough telling people I was trying to off myself. The omission revolves around my black Lab Fabian. I have had him since my wife rescued him at 6 months old, from the Downers Grove, Illinois Humane Society. He is now 11 and nearing the end of his road. On that haunting date I was going to speed up the trip and take him with me. I should also mention I have 2 other rescue dogs, "Cooter" an 11 year old yellow Lab, and "Grace" a 3 year old Pekingese. An endorsement for adopting animals may sound trite, seeing as I was gonna take myself out, and him with me.
I love my dogs dearly, as I do all animals. Kris and I have no biological children together so our dogs are our adopted proxies. Check that! I hate BATS, all bats big and small, and most snakes! I also despise any spider that I cannot squish with a paper towel victoriously. The most glaring phobia I have is clowns! They're always jumping out of tiny cars with honking horns and miming terribly choreographed slapstick skits in grossly over sized shoes with large painted-on mouths over their existing tiny mouths. What the hell is that? Too much time around them is sure to trigger a panic attack. That said, I am one of the few fathers who can say, with pride, that I never took my kids to the circus! I didn't want to pass on my phobias of the strangely painted creatures, nor create a scene of their father shrieking and running from center ring. That would inflict an equally painful psychological scar upon their young minds. Again, I use humor to deflect heavy feelings I have a hard time addressing in the moment.
Fabian and I have been joined at the hip for years. He knows my moods and tries to lick my wounds when I am hurt inside or out. He is the ultimate companion and I love him dearly. He is truly this man's best friend. He ultimately saved my life and was a part of the unexplainable events that happened that evening in 2004.
When my wife left me on that day after I relapsed and I planned my exodus to the great beyond, I did not leave a bowl of food for Fabian in the house. I did open the windows so the gas from the car exhaust didn't damage the house. Psychotic, I know. My plan was to take Fabian with me. We were going to be friends to the end. I have a small office that connects to my garage and that is where my suicide attempt began. I closed the door of the tiny office and opened the door to the garage where my Dodge Neon was running. I sealed the door to the house with duct tape to keep all the gas in the garage and into my office. I took Fabian into the room with me and we laid down by my CD rack.
After about 45 minutes went by, I began to feel sluggish. My breathing was slowing and it seemed as if things were going in slow motion. It was like I was watching a film. Fabian was laying next to me and I closed my eyes, as his were closed also. His breathing was more beleaguered, less frequent than usual, and very shallow. I knew he was getting close to death and I wasn't far behind.
As I laid next to him my eyes burned and I was unable to sit up. I closed my eyes and soon found myself in a different place. What I saw is hard to describe but I remember it vividly, even though I was being over taken by the carbon monoxide. Although I was sprawled out on the floor, I found myself standing up with Fabian at my left side. There were no white lights. The color for my experience was mostly grey. Describing the physical surroundings is hard to put into words because I have little to compare it to.
Imagine an hour glass each end perfectly symmetrical with a tube in between. Now take a thinly sliced cross-sectioned cut of the hour glass and lay it down flat. I was standing on one side of the hour glass floor and there was a bridge that separated me and Fabian from the other side of another hour glass floor. The whole vision was in white and grey. I could see that Fabian was still black but I could not see myself. I was there but couldn't see my physical being.
There was a presence there that seemed to to be hovering over my shoulder and encapsulating the whole place. It was very peaceful and strong. I was not afraid. There was no conversation in my experience but communication between me, the presence and the others I soon saw was definitely taking place. It was a non-verbal dialogue with a feeling based exchange of information. Fabian stood, happily transfixed at the view across the bridge. The more powerful presence was not encouraging me to do anything or go anywhere. It was just there letting me survey my surroundings.
From my side of the bridge I could see images of what I knew were people. It wasn't like, "oh look it's Grandma and Uncle Jack." I could sense loved ones and saw shapes of auras but there was no definition to the forms. I knew what they were but they were shapes, not outlines of humans, and they had a cloudy illumination to them. I also did not recognize, or feel, all of the auras that filled the background behind those closest to me on the other side. The bridge was slightly curvy and to each side was only grey vapor and nothingness. There was no sense of depth perception but the auras on the other side were seemingly about a 100 yards away.
I was not drawn to the other side and the loving figures did not call for me to join them. They were letting me know they loved me, but that was all. The stronger presence surrounding me gave me the feeling that I had a choice to go to the other side of the bridge or not. It was up to me. There was no pressure either way. It was simply up to me. I was not intimidated or feeling pressure. I was just at a point of decision. I looked down at Fabian and I realized that taking my own life and crossing the bridge was my decision, but that he didn't have a choice. I held the power of his life and death in my hands.
I knew I loved him too much to take his life and taking him from my family was wrong. I didn't reflect on the impact my death would have on my family. I just loved my dog too much to be so cruel to him and doubly cruel to my family. He is laying next to me now as I write this, as is Cooter. I call them Salt-n-Pepa.
I found myself back on the floor, next to Fabian and the sealed door that went into the family room. He was barely breathing and his tongue was hanging out to the side. I reached up and pulled the door open. Oxygen and clean air rushed in. We both stayed there. The car was still running in the garage. After a few moments he began to somewhat get it together. I crawled into the family room pulling him along. A short time later, he was snapping out of it pretty well and I had the strength to let him outside to get more air.
I didn't fully comprehend what I had just experienced, like I do now. After I knew Fab was okay, I returned to the garage and closed the door behind me to finish the job I had set out to do. Rosary draped on me and Bible in hand, I shut the door from the office to the garage, leaving Fabian behind. You know the rest of the story. It has a happy ending. I am still here.
I now know I was on the edge of death. I know that I was given a choice to cross the bridge or stay behind. My love for Fabian helped me choose to stay here. God had decided to make my decision for me, through him. When I woke up later in the garage the Neon had stalled. I believe in heaven or another plane like I believe in oxygen. No one can veer me from that conviction. I saw what many, and few, have seen. Life's the journey, not the destination. I am glad God made my choice for me. In the condition I was in, I can honestly say that choosing life would not have been my decision, without God and Fabian's intervention.
Showing posts with label life experience. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life experience. Show all posts
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
The Angry Man, Sean Penn and Christopher Walken...
Do you know what Sean Penn, Chris Walken and I have in common? Nothing much! They are, however, 2 of my favorite actors. The role types and characters they play are right up my alley. I have been told I look a bit like Penn, but have also been told I look like Dave Coulier, Jeff Daniels, Robin Williams and Danny Aiello. The Coulier and Daniels I get. The Penn is wishful thinking. Robin Williams looks nothing like me, but we share a racing mind. I look more like Snookie than Danny Aiello!
Before I get to my first "real" acting gig I experienced today, I must shatter a Hollywood myth. I hope you will forgive me but I can not keep this information secret and sleep with a clear conscience. Besides COPS and a few other shows: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS REALITY TV. If you understand this fact, and still enjoy the entertainment, good for you. However, if you think you are watching "REAL" conversations that are unrehearsed or never reshot, you're canoeing with a short paddle. If there is a camera following you, or in every room, it is not real. It is not natural behavior. No one has a flawless dramatic encounter or dialogue with someone in every day life that is perfect!
NO ACTOR can deliver lines perfectly every time. Tweaks and adjustments are made on the spot and reshot. The shows may have elements of truth in it, but they are developed and then reshot. Think about it! When you are at a party, unless someone takes your picture when you're not looking, you change. You are aware of the camera and you mug it up for the photo. You change into an "I'm getting my picture taken mode." How many times have you asked the photographer to take another because you didn't like the first shot? I sound like Andy Rooney!
I recently got offered an audition for a production involving "people leading double lives." Who is going to audition for that? I can just see myself sitting down with my wife explaining to her that I am auditioning for the part. Don't ask questions honey. I have another wife in Hoboken. We can talk about it later. Have a great day at work! Some of the submission requests are just plain far out and border on unbelievable! One was looking for a couple to climb mountains in Norway. To Squeaky, staying in a hotel without room service is camping. The vision of her in snow shoes toting a backpack is as ridiculous as my fantasy of owning an Alpaca farm.
As for my day, it was an amazing experience. I can't share a lot of details about the company or product but will fill you in on the day's events. I arrived at the set location 30 minutes prior to my "Call Time." That is the time you are to report for duty. I told you I hate to be late and I arrived at 2:00pm.
They were shooting 3 commercials in one day and mine was to be last. I was immediately greeted by a production assistant who is basically a concierge, gopher, cattle herder and organizer. He explained that the 2nd commercial was running an hour behind and I would be needed in about 2 hours. Note to the would-be-actor: if you do not like waiting or being hurried up and then told to wait, Show Biz ain't for you.
I was directed to the "holding" area, a grand term for waiting room. Then I was shown where "Craft Services" was located. These guys are the actors' source of coffee, sugar, protein and snacks to get them through the long shooting schedule. I grabbed some coffee and sat with my fellow actors chit-chatting about rumored projects and local gossip. Note two to the would-be- actor: if you're uncomfortable changing clothes in front of people, acting is not for you. There is a locker room mentality to wardrobe. Seeing both men and women in skivvies just comes with the territory. That new thong you like is not a good choice for the day of your shoot, especially if you weigh 300 pounds and are male or female. It doesn't phase me changing in front of others. I am Irish and have nothing to hide. Literally!
To give motion and perspective to a scene, multiple cameras are used and the shots are done and redone from every angle conceivable. There are long shots, prop shots, close-ups, rear shots, safety takes and a myriad of others to create the magic. Our 60 second spot took 3 and a half hours to shoot. On a TV series episode I did, a two minute scene took 14 hours to shoot. Some scenes are done with pantomiming to print the action with sound added later. Many scenes are shot with a visualized focal point that represents the person or object that the scene revolves around. It's a lot more involved than you thought, huh? Staring at a cameraman and convincing the audience that you are conversing with a dying friend is challenging.
When it was time to shoot, the first step was to wardrobe. After you are dressed as your character you move on to hair and make up. I get satisfaction and have appreciation for these often overlooked invaluable cogs in the acting wheel. It is quite comforting having make up put on and very relaxing. I always tell the make up artists that they should probably grab a spackling knife to put my makeup on. My face looks like it caught on fire and they put it out with a meat tenderizing hammer. I was the "Angry Man" in a spot with two really nice guys. One was 19 and the other was 24. In the scene they try to play a prank on me and it goes terribly wrong. After their mishap I come running to physically "thank" them for allowing me the opportunity to be the recipient of their mischievous prank. I really liked the guys but had to separate from them before shooting. Some actors use the "method" style and others use the "character" style of acting. I subscribe to Uta Hagen's notion that acting is a combination of both. Note to the actor "wannabe," books by Hagen, Lee Strasberg and Constantin Stanislavsky are great reads and amazing tools to help develop skills. I am obviously a novice, but greatly appreciate reading the books and articles these acting gurus have contributed to the profession. I especially adore Uta Hagen.
To paraphrase Hagen's approach to a character, it is better to be yourself in the role of the character instead of trying to act like a stereotype of the character. Drawing on your own past life experiences and emotions makes a character more believable than trying to think like someone you are not. By combining method and character acting a more complete authentic performance is created. I really learned a lot from the many "extras" roles I have had because the physical movements of a character are equal to, or sometimes more important than, the lines they spit out.
I was feeling great about my first mortgage paying job and was supposed to be angry. I have 3 daughters and I asked my two co-actors if they were dating. What kind of women do they like? What was the craziest relationship they were in? Then I took those answers and applied them to the image of them dating my daughters. The two fine young men I was giggling with moments before, now felt the ire of a father. Mission accomplished. I also reflected on missing my youngest daughters' 11th birthday. I was catapulted into pissed off in an instant. The pain and rejection, isolation and hopelessness I felt when trapped in my addiction have become useful tools for channeling a feel into a character. The different personalities I use in my comedy performances also have been very helpful in acting.
Prior to the commercial I had only worked on films and television programs. There, a director has a vision and calls the shots and directs the path he wants the actor to follow. In a commercial you have the director's vision and the ad agency client's, both combining and colliding to create the desired message the spot is supposed to deliver. The director wants it like this. No! The client wants this. You do a scene as told and then are told to do it differently. I had no idea the clients were sitting on location. They were holed up in a room watching the shooting on closed screen monitors and passing on tips and recommendations to the film crew for each take. My first solo scene took 8 takes. I was frustrated because I was doing the scene as layed out by the director. As he became frustrated with me I didn't realize then that the clients were changing things as we went. Note to the new actor: if your feelings are easily hurt or you can't take criticism, this is not the life for you.
My second scene I did in one take. I was thrilled and so was the crew because we were shooting outside in 17 degree temperatures. My final scene was with myself and the other two principal actors. My anger toward them was genuine as I thought of them around my daughters and exacting my revenge for their ill conceived prank they were playing on me. The final shot is called the "Martini shot." This is a cue to the actors and crew that it is the end of the day. The term explains itself. We then recorded some "wild" audio. That is where the principals record audio of lines in different tones and emotions to be inserted into the film later.
I really enjoyed the waiting, the filming, the standing around and camaraderie that fills a set. For the hours you are together, you are a family. The cast of characters and personalities are diverse and amusing. I loved everything about it and was wiped out by the time I got home. As I drove home through the icy snow pelting my car, I reflected on my day and took pride in knowing I was now a professional actor. I made more money doing that spot than all of my comedy appearances combined. I thanked God for giving me the talent to do a good job and was grateful to be a part of "show biz". I don't think that I would recommend it to just anyone. Actors are an odd but driven lot. There are lots of unpaid gigs learning the ropes, but the drive to perform is powerful. Well paying jobs are few and far between and it isn't as easy as it looks. For me I'm all in! I have found something I have a great passion for.
My wife has been calling me a drama queen for years! The queen part is a slam but I know I can be a big, dumb baby sometimes. As for the drama part I love it and will continue to compliment it with my comedy. The more sober I get, the more I appreciate my life and the new experiences sobriety brings. I am no longer afraid to try for fear of failure or success. Edison failed thousands of times before he got the light bulb right. All of our life experiences combined only make us wiser and more prepared for whatever gig God has planned for us in every today we live. Enjoy TODAY!
Before I get to my first "real" acting gig I experienced today, I must shatter a Hollywood myth. I hope you will forgive me but I can not keep this information secret and sleep with a clear conscience. Besides COPS and a few other shows: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS REALITY TV. If you understand this fact, and still enjoy the entertainment, good for you. However, if you think you are watching "REAL" conversations that are unrehearsed or never reshot, you're canoeing with a short paddle. If there is a camera following you, or in every room, it is not real. It is not natural behavior. No one has a flawless dramatic encounter or dialogue with someone in every day life that is perfect!
NO ACTOR can deliver lines perfectly every time. Tweaks and adjustments are made on the spot and reshot. The shows may have elements of truth in it, but they are developed and then reshot. Think about it! When you are at a party, unless someone takes your picture when you're not looking, you change. You are aware of the camera and you mug it up for the photo. You change into an "I'm getting my picture taken mode." How many times have you asked the photographer to take another because you didn't like the first shot? I sound like Andy Rooney!
I recently got offered an audition for a production involving "people leading double lives." Who is going to audition for that? I can just see myself sitting down with my wife explaining to her that I am auditioning for the part. Don't ask questions honey. I have another wife in Hoboken. We can talk about it later. Have a great day at work! Some of the submission requests are just plain far out and border on unbelievable! One was looking for a couple to climb mountains in Norway. To Squeaky, staying in a hotel without room service is camping. The vision of her in snow shoes toting a backpack is as ridiculous as my fantasy of owning an Alpaca farm.
As for my day, it was an amazing experience. I can't share a lot of details about the company or product but will fill you in on the day's events. I arrived at the set location 30 minutes prior to my "Call Time." That is the time you are to report for duty. I told you I hate to be late and I arrived at 2:00pm.
They were shooting 3 commercials in one day and mine was to be last. I was immediately greeted by a production assistant who is basically a concierge, gopher, cattle herder and organizer. He explained that the 2nd commercial was running an hour behind and I would be needed in about 2 hours. Note to the would-be-actor: if you do not like waiting or being hurried up and then told to wait, Show Biz ain't for you.
I was directed to the "holding" area, a grand term for waiting room. Then I was shown where "Craft Services" was located. These guys are the actors' source of coffee, sugar, protein and snacks to get them through the long shooting schedule. I grabbed some coffee and sat with my fellow actors chit-chatting about rumored projects and local gossip. Note two to the would-be- actor: if you're uncomfortable changing clothes in front of people, acting is not for you. There is a locker room mentality to wardrobe. Seeing both men and women in skivvies just comes with the territory. That new thong you like is not a good choice for the day of your shoot, especially if you weigh 300 pounds and are male or female. It doesn't phase me changing in front of others. I am Irish and have nothing to hide. Literally!
To give motion and perspective to a scene, multiple cameras are used and the shots are done and redone from every angle conceivable. There are long shots, prop shots, close-ups, rear shots, safety takes and a myriad of others to create the magic. Our 60 second spot took 3 and a half hours to shoot. On a TV series episode I did, a two minute scene took 14 hours to shoot. Some scenes are done with pantomiming to print the action with sound added later. Many scenes are shot with a visualized focal point that represents the person or object that the scene revolves around. It's a lot more involved than you thought, huh? Staring at a cameraman and convincing the audience that you are conversing with a dying friend is challenging.
When it was time to shoot, the first step was to wardrobe. After you are dressed as your character you move on to hair and make up. I get satisfaction and have appreciation for these often overlooked invaluable cogs in the acting wheel. It is quite comforting having make up put on and very relaxing. I always tell the make up artists that they should probably grab a spackling knife to put my makeup on. My face looks like it caught on fire and they put it out with a meat tenderizing hammer. I was the "Angry Man" in a spot with two really nice guys. One was 19 and the other was 24. In the scene they try to play a prank on me and it goes terribly wrong. After their mishap I come running to physically "thank" them for allowing me the opportunity to be the recipient of their mischievous prank. I really liked the guys but had to separate from them before shooting. Some actors use the "method" style and others use the "character" style of acting. I subscribe to Uta Hagen's notion that acting is a combination of both. Note to the actor "wannabe," books by Hagen, Lee Strasberg and Constantin Stanislavsky are great reads and amazing tools to help develop skills. I am obviously a novice, but greatly appreciate reading the books and articles these acting gurus have contributed to the profession. I especially adore Uta Hagen.
To paraphrase Hagen's approach to a character, it is better to be yourself in the role of the character instead of trying to act like a stereotype of the character. Drawing on your own past life experiences and emotions makes a character more believable than trying to think like someone you are not. By combining method and character acting a more complete authentic performance is created. I really learned a lot from the many "extras" roles I have had because the physical movements of a character are equal to, or sometimes more important than, the lines they spit out.
I was feeling great about my first mortgage paying job and was supposed to be angry. I have 3 daughters and I asked my two co-actors if they were dating. What kind of women do they like? What was the craziest relationship they were in? Then I took those answers and applied them to the image of them dating my daughters. The two fine young men I was giggling with moments before, now felt the ire of a father. Mission accomplished. I also reflected on missing my youngest daughters' 11th birthday. I was catapulted into pissed off in an instant. The pain and rejection, isolation and hopelessness I felt when trapped in my addiction have become useful tools for channeling a feel into a character. The different personalities I use in my comedy performances also have been very helpful in acting.
Prior to the commercial I had only worked on films and television programs. There, a director has a vision and calls the shots and directs the path he wants the actor to follow. In a commercial you have the director's vision and the ad agency client's, both combining and colliding to create the desired message the spot is supposed to deliver. The director wants it like this. No! The client wants this. You do a scene as told and then are told to do it differently. I had no idea the clients were sitting on location. They were holed up in a room watching the shooting on closed screen monitors and passing on tips and recommendations to the film crew for each take. My first solo scene took 8 takes. I was frustrated because I was doing the scene as layed out by the director. As he became frustrated with me I didn't realize then that the clients were changing things as we went. Note to the new actor: if your feelings are easily hurt or you can't take criticism, this is not the life for you.
My second scene I did in one take. I was thrilled and so was the crew because we were shooting outside in 17 degree temperatures. My final scene was with myself and the other two principal actors. My anger toward them was genuine as I thought of them around my daughters and exacting my revenge for their ill conceived prank they were playing on me. The final shot is called the "Martini shot." This is a cue to the actors and crew that it is the end of the day. The term explains itself. We then recorded some "wild" audio. That is where the principals record audio of lines in different tones and emotions to be inserted into the film later.
I really enjoyed the waiting, the filming, the standing around and camaraderie that fills a set. For the hours you are together, you are a family. The cast of characters and personalities are diverse and amusing. I loved everything about it and was wiped out by the time I got home. As I drove home through the icy snow pelting my car, I reflected on my day and took pride in knowing I was now a professional actor. I made more money doing that spot than all of my comedy appearances combined. I thanked God for giving me the talent to do a good job and was grateful to be a part of "show biz". I don't think that I would recommend it to just anyone. Actors are an odd but driven lot. There are lots of unpaid gigs learning the ropes, but the drive to perform is powerful. Well paying jobs are few and far between and it isn't as easy as it looks. For me I'm all in! I have found something I have a great passion for.
My wife has been calling me a drama queen for years! The queen part is a slam but I know I can be a big, dumb baby sometimes. As for the drama part I love it and will continue to compliment it with my comedy. The more sober I get, the more I appreciate my life and the new experiences sobriety brings. I am no longer afraid to try for fear of failure or success. Edison failed thousands of times before he got the light bulb right. All of our life experiences combined only make us wiser and more prepared for whatever gig God has planned for us in every today we live. Enjoy TODAY!
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