Married Four Times Makes Me a Marriage Expert Right?

Today is my 9th wedding anniversary to my wife Kris. Most folks know I call her Squeaky. The nickname is a reference to how she sounds, more than that of the strange woman who tried to whack President Ford, but being from Berwyn and Italian, my Squeaky is up for anything. This is my fourth marriage. Based on experience alone that makes me an expert, right?

Now that I am at the ripe young age of 45, and sober, it is a lot easier to look back on my 3 previous marriages and see where they failed. They failed because of 2 people who were not realistic about marriage and one who wasn't ever consulted. The 2 people who were not realistic were me and my addiction. The one never consulted - God.

I get a lot of heat from people saying I'm too hard on myself. I know that is true to a point. Self criticism is a problem that goes way back for me and is deeply rooted. I work on it daily. I can say that I don't use a bat any more to smack myself. It's more of the "socker-bopper" type these days. Coming from a critical upbringing, it is just a part of my being. Not passing it on to my kids is the key to breaking the chain. I am doing a pretty good job in that department. I praise my kids whenever possible. If they make a mistake I am always quick to point out the sunshine along with the clouds, not just the clouds.

That being said my first marriage lasted about 4 months. The second one lasted maybe 6. The third lasted a year, but we never lived together for a week straight. In my first year of marriage to Kris I had already surpassed the cumulative total of my previous 3 marriages. I take full responsibility for the failure of the first 3 marriages because I was not in a place of physical, emotional or spiritual well being to be married but did it anyway.

My first marriage was at age 26. My father was married to my mother at 26 and I was drinking and using speed quite heavily. I thought that by getting married I would "slow down." I thought that with marriage a switch would be flipped in my head which would turn me from an addicted boy into a responsible man. My wife to be was a great lady who wanted a wedding and had some idealistic ideas of marriage herself. She didn't fully understand the impact full time life with an alcoholic would take on her. I was functional outside but dysfunctional emotionally. To her credit, she left after 4 months.

My next two marriages were "shotgun marriages" so to speak. What I really wanted out of marriage was a child. A wife was just an addition and a means to an end of me getting what I wanted. Wife number two got pregnant, we got married, she lost the baby. We found out we were unable to have children together so that made the marriage disposable to me. She was out of there in 6 months. She is happily married now. My first wife went on to have a family of her own and I had the pleasure of meeting her son. I am happy for the both of them and grateful that they escaped me and my addiction.

Wife 3 and I were married for about a year but never lived together for a week straight. She got pregnant and lost the child. I married her before the miscarriage out of manufactured nobility and ended up empty handed. By the end of the marriage she did give me a beautiful daughter, but they have since disappeared. Kelly pops in and out of my life. She is 11 and I have learned to be patient and leave things in the Lord's hands when it comes to seeing her. I know that she is getting to the age where I hope she is getting more curious about spending time or talking to Dad. I used to obsess about it and it only made me sick. It will work itself out in God's time.

When I met Kris I was alcohol free but on the herbal life program. Not the healthy one. Since I was still using mind altering chemicals I wasn't growing emotionally or at least not as fast as I could have been if I was completely clean. She came with a ready made family so I jumped in and tried to fix things. One of an addict's or a man's biggest challenge is that we always feel the need to fix or advise, even when fixing or advising hasn't been requested or isn't needed.

The first few years were rough. The first one the roughest. We spent 3 years together before we got married. I was scared and I think she was too. It gave us both a chance to grow. 12 years together,  I can say that we really are best friends. Here are some of my observations on my marriage and why it works. I've also thrown in some general observations about marriage that I have surmised over the last few years.

1. When you see a couple and think that they never have a disagreement about anything, ever. This couple either doesn't talk, has separate bedrooms, one is a pushover, they don't talk, one is a pushover or they don't talk.

2. I don't need to be right. For years I did. What the hell do I achieve by being right? I prefer peace to right. Being able to say I am wrong gives me a lot more peace and satisfaction in my house than gloating over when I am right.

3. Just because I think that clearing the blinking time from the microwave, putting the dishes in the dishwasher in a particular order and wiping the water spots from the sink is stupid, the extra 30 seconds it takes for me to do these things to make my wife happy, is worth more than the grief I get from pointing out how silly it is. Am I the expert on silly and sane? I think not!

4. When my wife gives me 2 choices of what she should wear to a function I pick the one I don't want her to wear. This ensures that she will undoubtedly wear the other one: the one I want her to wear.

5. I don't have to fix her problems after work unless directly asked. Usually she wants me to sit like one of those plastic dogs with the bobbing heads while she vents. If I jump in and try to fix stuff, I'm done. The head bob and occasional ummm hmmm works perfectly here.

6. Sometimes even when I'm right, and I have been hurt, it's better to bite the bullet and move on than to waste the day on a silly fight. Life's too short for pouting.

7. Shoe shopping with my wife is a sure way to show her I love her and a great way to grow my patience with her and Vera Wang. I dislike shopping.

8. Shopping is when you go in a store and buy something. Looking is when you go in to stores and look at things. I don't like when my wife takes me looking. Shopping is okay...sometimes.

9. Sometimes the best thing to do is hit the pause button and walk away. There comes a time in a relationship when the discomfort of disharmony becomes stronger than the argument. We argue about dumb stuff like wrapping paper and what kind of cheese to buy, not money and the kids. Fix it and move on. I get heartburn from disharmony. Life's too short for heartburn.

10. God is at the center of our relationship. That has made it all work.

My Addiction Laundry List or Man, I'm Glad They Didn't Have Meth in the 80's!

I need to point out ,once again, that I am NOT A DOCTOR or PSYCHOLOGIST. I am a person who has struggled with alcoholism and a variety of other addictions for 28 years. That doesn't qualify me as an expert but if I was listing my addiction history on a resume I would say I have "extensive and diverse experience in a variety of chemical and non-chemical dependency issues and recovery."

My sister, and only sibling, Chris Brown is a medical professional. She reminded me that I should always stress those two points. I do list those facts on my blog page in 3 different areas. People, this is my story. There are a lot of similarities between addictive behaviors. However, it is not like a burst appendix where there is a specific symptom, cause, prognosis, procedure and recovery. The only constant in addiction is the obsession and inability to control a behavior once it is begun. I am telling my story to the reader who identifies themselves as an addict or the ones who question some of their behaviors and the earthlings that live with them.

Mentioning my sister illustrates this point perfectly. We grew up in the same house, under the same conditions, share the same DNA and she is not an addict. She is well adjusted and responsible, hardworking and attentive to details and she can pour a bad margarita down the drain. I, on the other hand, would walk over to said sink and lap the margarita up, horrified at the waste of perfectly good alcohol. Insert laugh here.

My addiction to alcohol started around the age of 17. When I try to pin point the exact times in my life it is difficult because I just simply don't remember. The excessive damage that I did to my mind and body mixed with an unhealthy dose of convenient denial has blotted out large chunks of specifics in my history. I started smoking weed when I was 16 or so. I began using speed, hallucinogens, downers and other any other stuff that was handed to me, and guaranteed instant check out, at about 18 as well.

I have also been addicted to people, love, sex, pornography, work, things, gambling, food (to some extent) and cartoons. I added the cartoon part because after seeing my list I needed a little levity to lighten the tone. Man I really am F#*!ed up! Alcohol is my go to drug! It is the one that my recovery revolves around. As long as I do the things that long term recovery REQUIRE, the other ones have less of a chance to join the party.

My addictive mind knew how to work me. When I felt like my drinking was getting out of hand I would stop and switch to weed. Weed was created by God after all! It grew like tomatoes in the warm, sweet earth. Indians put it in their peace pipes. The U.S. government used to subsidize hemp farmers for growing the stuff in war time! Surely, there was nothing wrong with that. By switching to weed I could prove to myself that I wasn't an alcoholic because "they drink everyday." "I haven't drank in 3 days. Never mind that I've smoked an ounce of skunk in that same time period." I didn't just wake and bake. I did AWAKE and BAKE. As long as I was awake I was baked.

By switching from booze to weed, drug to drug, addiction to addiction, I created a false sense of control in my mind. I couldn't possibly have a problem because I could morph from one fiend to the next without being creeped out by staying on any one of them for too long of a period of time. My disease knows me better than I know myself. It is always looking for an "in". It participates in my recovery. It pays attention to what I learn about preventing relapse. It is always waiting, ever so patiently, for me to let my guard down. If I do, God only knows what would happen.

I don't ever want anyone to think that I take this stuff lightly. I am a comedian and get great pleasure, almost addictive pleasure, out of making people laugh. This is no game. Addiction is no joke. Recovery is no party. I just like to put a smile on the face of a subject that destroys the lives of users, their family, friends and innocent bystanders every minute of every day.