"I Need Serenity!" - Tully (GODSMACK)

Serenity is one of those words that has the feel of the word wrapped up in itself. Words like agitate, make my tongue live the definition as it lurches uncomfortably through the three syllables. Caress soothes my mind and body as I utter the invitingly crafted letters. When I say the word serenity I feel the lightness of the elusive word barely hovering on my lips. Tranquilly means contentment with who I am and where I'm at.

I have known moments of serenity. I bathe in it when stuck right dab in the middle of it. I get chaotic chasing after it. The feeling of being completely at peace with myself, my creator and my universe is like nothing else. The paradox is that serenity is like a drug in itself. Now that I have had fleeting glimpses of it I want more. My whole problem with myself, and my conflict with the real world, is my desire for ME and MORE and NOW!

The harder I seek serenity, the farther it seems to be from me. I remember when I was a kid and would be riding in the backseat of the car, staring at the clouds. As the car would be going along I would pick out a cloud and wait for the car to catch it. No matter how fast we went, no matter how long I stared, the cloud always seemed to be just out of reach. Then suddenly we had passed it by.

I also watched the races between the corn row runners. If you lived in corn country as a child you know the corn runners. When you drive by great spans of cornfields and stare at the rows of corn, they seem to come alive. The rows begin to take the shape of legs and begin to run. No matter how many fields you pass, corn runners never tire. They just keep on going. The corn runners are either are just in front of you, or right along side of you. They can run all day and into the evening, as long as the shadows and light, are just right.

It's like paper pad animation. You start on the first page. Draw a circle, turn the page.As you flip from page to page you move the circle up or down. Continue page by page until the circle hits the bottom of the page and you reach the end of the pad of paper. Now flip the pages through your fingers and the bouncing ball comes alive. I used to do this for hours on end with clouds, corn runners and many pads of paper.

Serenity is defined by the American Heritage Dictionary as, "Clear," "Tranquil," "Unruffled" and "Unclouded." I was surprised by the definition when I read it. I though it would be much more mystical and Dali Lama-like. That is how things tend to go for me when I pre-decide how outcomes should be. They rarely live up to the billing or grand notion my mind has erected. People and their lives, feelings, choices and reactions keep messing up my paper.

I have come to realize that serenity isn't a chosen conscious feeling or experience. It happens when it happens. Usually, when I go with the flow and let things be. What I shoot for now is "surrenderty." I can make that happen by letting go.When I force things to happen I end up feeling agitated. The situation at hand, usually gets worse.

I choose to be happy today. The same can be said for unhappy, angry, resentful, unforgiving and all the negative emotions that are produced through human interaction. I don't have to take the bait. It's like drinking poison and waiting for the other guy to die.

It's all in how I decide to accept and surrender to the people and circumstances who are in my reality that are going to determine my serenity or lack of it. I look forward to when it comes again. For now I am grateful to have moments of serenity, and a philosophy of "surrenderty." 


I will still chase clouds and dreams. I will still watch the corn runners keeping pace alongside my car. I don't waste the paper I used when I was creating my crude animations. I know one thing for sure. If I think I can control outcomes, run other people's lives and worry my way to serenity, I'll never even catch a glimpse of it. Thanks God for giving me the wisdom to realize how little I know. I appreciate the insights into and finally realizing I don't need to.

Doors Open...Windows Close...Sometimes on My Fingers!

In addiction recovery the focus is to live your life in the moment from day to day. Yesterdays' are filled with loss and regret. Tomorrows littered with uncertainty and anxiety. When I first got sober I thought it was a silly concept. Now I find it perfectly delightful. Whether you're an addict or an earthling you really don't know when the great lotto ball caller is gonna pick your number. Staying in the now makes me enjoy the simplicity of existence, the beauty of just being a part of the landscape, something I savor.

My life is just like those Gobstoppers. When I am grateful for the blessings that come my way and realize how truly good I have it, I've got it made. It's when I analyze and try to control that the world becomes purple, yellow and red, distorted by my forcing myself upon the universe and what I WANT that things get crazy and I get crazy along with them. God made such a beautiful world and saved me a million times from destroying myself but every once in a while I seem to feel the need to jump up and try to adjust the picture for Him. He opens doors and closes windows. I sometimes leave my fingers in the sill when the pane comes crashing down. That's His way of reminding me that He's doing just fine without me.

I auditioned for a movie last week called "Altered." It is a horror/thriller and I was up for a role as a cop. Most of you know that I have a look about me that is, let's say "not nurturing." What the hell! I look like I'm pissed off a lot. That comes from 28 years of addiction, living in the street and running with some rough crowds. It is what it is. As a result I get cast as bad guys, mafia types, angry guys, etc. I don't know why that bothers me. Jack Palance, Robert Englund and Vincent Price did pretty well at being dark figures. In my recovery, just a part of me wants to be the good guy, the hero, the one everybody is happy to see.

Well, the audition went horribly! I tried to act like the character instead of me being the character. That is how I have had success in the past. Let's face it. I was an addict and alcoholic for 28 dark years. Who am I going to portray more accurately? Richie Cunningham or Otis the Drunk? Facts are facts. I did get to work with Kely McClung from Vampire Diaries and Blood Ties. His direction was good. My acting was bad. Barney Rubble could do Hamlet compared to me that day. Oh well!

Wait, it gets worse! I emailed Imoto Harney, the producer and assistant director, to say I could come back in and audition for the junkie, homeless guy and street freak that were being cast in the film. Yep! I went back to the old comfort zone. I was taking that Gobstopper out and by golly I was gonna find a way into that movie! Well, they never called back. Imagine that. I made a fool of myself, something I am quite good at both personally and professionally.

I was heartbroken and in mourning over the loss of a friend. I was going to make life happen. His had been cut so short. Saturday I got a call from a casting director in California checking my availability for filming a week out there for a series. That week falls in the same time frame as the film I tried to force my way into. The California show also has a great message and I will get to help people with my message. God does my casting.

On top of that I met a new friend, Darren Marlar, a Christian comic who went for the same role as me and killed it! Funny how things go. I hope he gets the part. He can bring a positive message to a whole new demographic. Look him up on Facebook or Google his name. He is a fine man.

I am an alpha personality. I know you didn't have any idea of that, but I am. Most of the time it is great! That is when I am doing things the right way for the right reasons and with pure motives. When I get out there and try to "MAKE IT HAPPEN!" I get the windows of life slammed on my fingers. It will happen again. I learn from pain more than pleasure. I will continue to try too hard and fail occasionally when I over Tomify things. I heard a preacher say "You can fail miserably with God or succeed more miserably without him." I understand that now and agree completely.

I am who I am - Popeye 1:3. That's just the way it is. I am grateful to be a part of the business of film and TV. I actually had an agent contact me from England. I hope it's not for day work! What a drive! As long as I am growing I'm doing fine. As long as I see my mistakes and fallibilities I'm fine...when the day comes that I think I'm fine.

Second Chances With A Beautiful Woman!

I met my wife Kris just before Kelly was born. I was living at the YMCA Lagrange. I was 6 months sober from alcohol and fresh out of rehab at Hinsdale Hospital. My relationship with my baby mama was over. The pain of leaving my unborn daughter behind ripped me apart inside, but the reality of the horribly destructive relationship I had with her mother was real and there was no chance of coming together. I could be a responsible father in raising her, but not there. It was not possible.

Kris was going through a painful break-up herself and we became friends quickly. We met at work. I was driving a forklift in a warehouse where she ran a freight forwarding company. We would talk on breaks and after work. Occasionally we would meet for a piece of pie at the local Bakers Square and share our battle stories. She knew I was newly sober and I kept no secrets from her. She was the first person I let into every dark corner of what was my life before then and what I wanted it to be.

She spoke often of her 3 children Andrea, Amanda and Scott. Andrea was 14, Amanda 7 and Scott 5. I admired her uncompromising dedication to her children and the pride she had in them. I got to meet Andrea first. She was the typical teenager in many ways with big dreams. She held the insecurity and self-consciousness about her appearance that all of us feel at that age. She could be described as Goth but she was much more than a mere label. We talked literature and Jack Kerouac, the injustices of war and the plight of the less fortunate. She had an engaging smile and a vocabulary that eclipsed her calendar age. Her father was not available to her and I was more than willing to step in and fill his shoes.

After 6 months of courting Kris and I moved in together. I was "insta-father"! I quickly asserted myself as the "man" of the house. I also had begun smoking pot again. I did not drink for 5 years while the kids were small. I am grateful for that. I didn't "smoke" in front of the kids either. I thought I was very responsible. Weed doesn't present itself like booze. It is much more subtle and laid back but it prevented me from growing emotionally and spiritually.

I still had anger issues and screamed a lot. When I was afraid it would come out as anger but it was well intentioned protective fear on the inside. I thought the world should be judging me on my intentions not my actions. What the kids saw was a Screaming Mimi period - no matter how pure my intentions.

Andrea was coming into age as a young woman and I thought it was my job to provide the "helpful guidance and constructive criticism" any good father would offer his daughter. While she bloomed I tried to keep her in the flower pot. "Do this..." "That's not right.." "You're smarter than that.." "What were you thinking?" was parroted almost daily from my ever helpful self. She isolated and shared very little with me for fear of my rebuke or lack of support. By the time she was 18 and ready to graduate she could barely stand to be in a room with me. Who could blame her? She graduated and moved down state to live with her uncle and to put as many cornfields between us as possible.

She is 25 now and we have grown back together slowly over the last 7 years. She is amazed to see that the anger and control issues have left me. They left a long time ago but she hasn't been here to see the changes. I have made many verbal amends to her and will spend my life being different. It is no surprise that she did just fine without my barrage of helpful life tips. She is a woman in every sense of the term. She is tough, street smart, kind and insightful. The past is gone and I can create 2 great tomorrows for every bad yesterday.

She got married this past September and moved to Germany. Her husband loves and respects her. He is attentive and supportive. A father could not ask for a better man to look after his daughterly treasure. As we danced at her wedding there were no ill feelings, only joy. She was radiant in her dress and her happiness filled the whole room that night.

She is home for the holidays and we have spent time together. A woman and her father, friends and confidants. We just made knish. She is Italian and I am Irish but we found a Jewish cook book while book shopping, a hobby we both share with great enthusiasm. We thought we would surprise her mom with some delicous knish. They may turn out great or terrible but I will love them either way.

I have made and will make mistakes as a father. Not only as an addict but as a man. I am not the guy she grew up with but she sees that I have grown up. The greatest thing about life is that you can start over anytime you want. It can be at the next sunrise or the next moment. I see a lot of the "good" me in Andrea and it makes me proud. I see her mother and grandmother in her much more. I am a lucky man and grateful for my past. It brought me to my today. I could talk for hours about how amazing my daughter is but I have to go and check the knish.

P.S. The knish came out great. She told me she loved me and hugged me tight. Oh how I love making knish!

If You Love Someone Dump Them Before They Break Your Heart!

When I reference being married 4 times it's a source of discomfort and to a lesser sense, a point of shame. Coming from a family of divorce I promised myself that when I get married it's gonna be forever. That statement of Biblical defined marriage obviously didn't come to pass for me. Divorce is a part of many of our lives, not just addicts. My multi matrimonial scorecard is just another reflection of how my addictive mind twists perception to fit its purpose.

The relationships I am in, and have been in, range from healthy to absolutely sick. Squeaky, the nickname of adoration I have for my wife, and I have a fairly healthy and functioning marriage. She is my best friend. We have been through a lot together. She has had to deal with the pains of my addiction and recovery, relapse after relapse and has some extremely big stones. My insane, controlling and irrational behaviors displayed in the early and later years of our marriage were enough to drive the strongest partner away.

I can honestly say that if I was the earthling and she was the addict I don't know if I would have stuck around for all the chaos. I can say with sincerity that my wife knows everything about me. We have no secrets between each other and never let the sun go down on our anger. In the beginning it was not so simple. There are difficult todays but in the early years I had the emotional I.Q. of a 15 year old. Some say that when you transition from casual user to addict your emotional maturity is suspended or retarded. I can say for myself that was definitely true and I can still act like a big, dumb baby when the world doesn't do what I want it to do. I have matured in the last few years more than I did in the several years before them.

I had my first "steady girlfriend" in third grade. I didn't know what that meant but I bought her a smiley face ring from the gumball machine at Mokena Pharmacy and she presented me with a plastic yellow bulldog. We were a match made in heaven. We would play house at recess and she was the bulldog and I was her proud owner. Our master and man's best friend arrangement worked marvelously as long as she did what I said and agreed to play the way I wanted to play. It also took great pains to tell her how she could be a better bulldog and improve herself. This was a pattern I repeated late into my adulthood.

A relationship to me was an opportunity to share romance, avoid loneliness and help my partner better them self. I offered my self-improvement advice whether it was welcomed or not. Long before I used my fear, self-loathing and hyper self-criticism were solidly forged. I got better and better at not trying to change my shortcomings by working harder and harder at telling everyone around me what was wrong with them. I didn't have to look at myself as long as I was focusing my attention on where others were defective.

One of the innate characteristics a lot of addicts share is the ability to read people. In the first few moments of meeting someone I can usually determine how confident they are with themselves, their vulnerabilities and the best way to manipulate them into giving me what I want. It is uncanny. For a casual acquaintance or work associate my unique skills were limited to a few hours a day. For family, friends and significant others I honed in on their tender spots and beat them to death with my recommendations on how to overcome them.

The more I cared for someone the more I feared they would eventually hurt me. Since I was certain that a painful ending was assured I would jab and poke at my partner's insecurities with my relentless advice and criticisms. I would slowly bleed out each partner until they told me it was over. Once my prophesy was fulfilled and I was alone again I could beat myself up some more and reflect on how I knew they would have hurt me all along.

I ruined countless relationships repeating this destructive behavior but I would always find another victim willing to take me on as their man. In the almost 40 years of dating and relationships the longest I have been single is probably three months or less. I needed to latch on to women to take the focus off of how badly I hated myself. By making others feel bad about themselves I took comfort in their discomfort. The words of an alcoholic or addict go straight for the kill shot. There is no preliminary round. We go for the verbal knock out with the first few words.

My recovery has helped me recognize this defect and a multitude of unhealthy behaviors I have participated in. I am longer to think and slower to speak now. I try to build up people instead of tearing them down. The funny thing is that in the past I would cause pain to feel pain. Now when I make others feel good, I feel good. The more time I have in sobriety the easier it becomes to be me. When I am okay with me I play nice with all the other kids in my life sandbox. With the help of God, other friends in recovery and continuous dedication to my sobriety I am confident that the day will come when I wake up content spending each day with myself.